… And What You Can Do About It

Have you ever told yourself that you wouldn’t do something? Maybe you said you wouldn’t eat too much at a party. Maybe you told yourself that you wouldn’t speak too soon at a meeting. Or maybe you just told yourself that you wouldn’t break the speed limit on the way home from work.

Whatever it was, you told yourself that you wouldn’t do something that you either normally do, wanted to do, or habitually do, and you eventually “gave-in” to the temptation.

Well, there’s a good reason for this behavior, and Dan Heath gives more details about it in this article over at Fast Company. I suggest that you check out the article for more details. For now, here’s the short version: self-control eventually runs out. In other words, you can only resist so long before you “run out” of self-control.

Your limit might be different from mine, and we all have a limit.

So, what does this observation have to do with this blog?

Since one of the recurring themes here is “get over yourself,” the concept of depleting self-control is vitally important to understand.

Whether you are trying to change your behavior, your team member’s behavior, or your child’s behavior, remember that everyone has a self-control limit, and when you exceed the limit you invite failure.

You invite failure to comply with rules, failure to cooperate, and failure to do things in new and different ways.

This is an observable and repeatable psychological phenomenon. Like so many of the things I write and speak on, I don’t suggest hiding behind the behavior. Rather, I suggest understanding the behavior and then making plans that recognized the reality of life instead of wishing that things were different.

So, what do we do with this observation?

Here are three suggestions to get you started with applying  this principle in your efforts to change your behaviors or to influence another person’s behaviors:

1. Get away from tempting situations as quickly as possible.
   Since we know that self-control will eventually run out, if at all possible, remove the temptation to do things the old way or to partake in some forbidden behavior.
2. Give people (or yourself) a break.
   If you ask someone to change their behavior in a particular situation, make some time for them to get away from it for awhile so that they can replenish their “supply” of self-control.
3. Make big changes in small steps.
   Smaller steps do many things to make change easier to accept. One benefit of smaller steps is the reduction of effort required to remember the new way of doing things. If the effort to remember the new way is small, the time to “self-control” exhaustion is longer. This longer temptation resistance time increases the odds that the new way of doing things becomes easy to remember before our self control runs out.

Photo by NomadicLass.

Related posts:

1. Being Too Nice Can Hurt You
2. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

I have noticed one behavior many of us use that almost guarantees that our suggestions, solutions, and opinions will be ignored when we offer them:

We tell people what to do before we have heard their whole story.

When we offer people suggestions, solutions, and opinions before we have heard them out, they often do not care what we have to say. So, they rarely listen to and fully comprehend what we are suggesting.

The suggestion might be useful. It might be right on target. It might be exactly what the other person needs to hear.

And, they probably won’t hear it.

If you speak too soon, you’re just trying to push fluid into an already full container.

Offering suggestions before people have told their whole story is like having a doctor prescribe medication or treatment before listening to all of the symptoms.

I once had numbness and tingling in my foot. I went to my doctor, and he asked a whole battery of questions before prescribing a treatment plan. He asked about my physical activity, other pains or sensations I had in other parts of my body, how my leg felt, etc.

In the end, we identified the source of the numbness in my foot to be a problem in my lower back. It could have been any number of other problems. If he had jumped on the numbness in my foot without digging further into my other symptoms, he could have prescribed a wonderful treatment for a problem that had nothing to do with my problem.

In this case, he chose to diagnose the problem before he prescribed a solution.

When we work with other people, we need to keep this idea in mind.

We may have valuable experience to offer. We may have seen this problem before. We might even have a great, simple solution to offer.

And it just doesn’t matter if we offer the suggestion, solution, or opinion in a way that virtually guarantees that the other person ignores or discounts our input.

As you work with others and attempt to share your experience, remember the lesson from my doctor:

Ask, listen, and diagnose before you prescribe.

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. How To Get People To Do What You Want
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

Earlier this week, I attended the ASTD conference in Chicago. As I worked in the Kevin Eikenberry Group booth, I noticed an interesting dynamic happening at the booths around me.

Where someone was willing to stand on a platform and speak, other people were willing to stop and listen.

In fact, it looked to me like people were not just willing to listen; they wanted to listen.

Likewise, at the booths where people sat and waited for the conference attendees to approach them, nothing happened.

So, here’s a big lesson I learned while working an exhibit hall booth at ASTD 2010 in Chicago:

If you’ve got something to say, stand up and say it.

If you stand up and say it, other people will probably stop to listen. They might not like what you have to say. They might not agree with what you have to say. They will listen to what you have to say.

I’m not advocating the use of a platform to harrangue, harrass,  or irritate people. I am suggesting that to be heard you have to have the courage to stand-up and speak.

Related posts:

1. One Way To Guarantee That Your Suggestion Is Ignored
2. The Positive Runs Out

This is a simple, straightforward communication technique that you can use immediately to improve your ability to connect and communicate with others:

Use “and” more than “but”.

Imagine that you and I are in a conversation and that you have just shared your opinion with me.

Compare these two responses that I might make:

1. “You know, that’s a good point, but …”
2. “You know, that’s a good point, and …”

With the first reply, it almost doesn’t matter what I say. I have probably triggered a natural defensive mechanism. Even if what I say is positive, you probably have a bit of a defensive posture in receiving what I am about to say.

The second reply creates a more positive lead-in to the second part of the statement. Even if I offer a slightly different interpretation of the facts, I have avoided triggering defensiveness  early in the process so that you might receive what I have to say with an open attitude.

As I think about the times I am tempted to say “but” rather than “and”, I see that the vast majority of the time my real message is an “and” message rather than a “but” message.

One little word substitution can yield huge benefits in communication effectiveness.

So, remember to use “and” more than “but”.

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. Get Over Yourself To Develop Effective Communication Skills
3. Effective Communication Skills: How to Quickly Guess a Person’s DISC Style

I have seen this concept discussed in a number of ways and in a variety of contexts. And today, I was reminded of the importance of this concept in virtually every area of our lives. Specifically, I received feedback from a coaching client about how this concept had helped her in her professional life.

This particular person is a hard-working, intelligent, kind, and capable person. She, like many of us, has one or two challenging professional relationships. In her case, she likes, trusts, respects AND has a challenge with one of her colleagues.

Because they work in an environment that is dynamic and rapidly changing, she often has conversations on new projects, initiatives, and ideas. Sometimes, she does not think of every question to ask for clarity and understanding at the time of her initial conversation about new projects with this colleague. In the past in these situations, she found that she felt criticized and ridiculed when she had to go back for clarity a day or so later.

She knew that she needed clarity, and the feeling of being criticized when she went back to her colleague resulted in her avoiding the follow-up conversations.

In one of our coaching calls a few weeks ago, I suggested that she tell the person in advance that she might have further questions when she got back to her desk and that she would likely call the next day to get answers on these questions.

She has done that over the last few weeks, and today she reported that the quality of her interactions with her colleague has improved remarkably.

This communication strategy matches the concept of begin with the end in mind. By telling her colleague that she will likely have questions, she is:

• Establishing reasonable expectations with her colleague,
• Preparing her colleague to receive the call, and
• Showing that she is concerned with a positive outcome.

She has taken personal responsibility to change what she can change rather than going into a blaming mindset or set of behaviors with regard to her colleague. She has made a consistent and persistent effort to make sure that her communications are as clear as possible. She has embodied what this blog is all about: learning to get over your ego, fears, self-consciousness, and self-protective behaviors to do what needs to be done to have healthy, productive relationships in all areas of your life.

I won’t be sharing her name, but she knows who she is. Since I wasn’t personally present to observe her interactions over the last few weeks, I may have some of the details a little off. I think she’ll be okay with that. Mostly, I want her to know that  I am proud of her efforts and her success, and I want the rest of my readers to learn from her example..

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. Effective Communication Skills: How to Quickly Guess a Person’s DISC Style
3. Get Over Yourself To Develop Effective Communication Skills

After the webinar, I was speaking with my friend and colleague Kevin Eikenberry. We discussed the webinar, and, as we spoke, I remembered an event from a training class I lead on this topic one time. During the training class, I made the point that only positive reinforcements encourage people to give high-level, maximum effort.

A class participant challenged me on this point, and our conversation went something like this:

Participant: “Are you saying that I have to keep giving people positive reinforcement for their workplace behaviors?”

Me: “Yes, that’s exactly my point.”

Participant: “Why don’t they just do what they’re supposed to do. I told them they were doing a good job once. I shouldn’t have to keep telling them.”

Me: “Well, you’re probably right about that. Is it ok if I ask you a question?”

Participant: “Sure.”

Me: “Do you have to keep paying people for them to keep coming back to work?”

Participant: “Of course I do.”

Me: “Well, you paid them once. Why do you have to keep paying them?”

Participant: “You’re kidding, right? I have to keep paying them because the money eventually runs out. If I stop paying them, they’ll go somewhere else.”

Me: “It’s exactly the same thing with reinforcements and high-level performance. If you stop giving encouragement, praise, and other positive input to people; eventually the positive runs out.”

Related posts:

1. How To Get People To Do What You Want
2. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
3. Why You Might Eventually Do Something You Don’t Want to Do…

The thought behind much (not all) of what I was asked in my role as seminar leader and expert panelist basically reduced to this:

How do I get people to do what I want them to do.

My short answer: you don’t.

People do what they want to do and not what you want them to do.

There are some things you can do to create situations where people want to do what you want them to do. Still, in the end, they did it because they wanted to not because you wanted them to.

You can do some things to improve your communication skills. You can work on controlling your body language, modifying your tone, and choosing the best words for both the situation and the person you’re speaking with. Short of overt coercion, you cannot make another person do anything. (Even then, you just made not doing it painful enough that they wanted to do it to avoid the pain of not doing it.)

Assuming that you want to have a productve relaitonship with the other person in this question, the real question is not “How do I get them to do what I want them to do?” The better question to ask is: “How do I get myself to do the things that will connect with this person so that they will want to cooperate with me?”

In the process of changing your behaviors, I have another thought to offer. Working to control your words and actions will require you to pay close attention to the other person. When you do this, you just might learn that they have some good ideas as well.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People
2. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
3. Effective Communication: Begin With The End In Mind