Wayne Turmel

Yesterday, I had a lively conversation with Wayne Turmel of Great Web Meetings for his Cranky Middle Manager podcast show. We spoke about a number of issues related to the transition to leadership people make when they take their first supervisory role. (This is the topic of the Bud to Boss  workshop that Kevin Eikenberry and I developed).

During our conversation, we covered a number of important issues:

• How to deal with the role and relationship changes you face as a new supervisor.
• How to think about the relationship changes you face in the transition.
• The big issues facing new supervisors.

We had a great time together, and I hope you enjoy listening.

To hear the full interview, check out From Bud to Boss at The Cranky Middle Manager.

We have a calendar of upcoming workshop dates for the Bud to Boss Workshops here.

On another note, Kevin and I just finished the manuscript for the book we co-authored on this topic.  We expect publication early next year. Check back later for updates on our progress towards publication and release.

Related posts:

1. Better Relationship Tips For Task Oriented People: Redefine Your Task

Last week, an important leadership lesson played out on the world stage between General Stanley McChrystal and President Barack Obama. The wikipedia article about General McChrystal says:

Following insubordinate remarks about Vice President Joe Biden and other administration officials attributed to McChrystal and his aides in a Rolling Stone article, McChrystal was recalled to Washington, D.C. where President Barack Obama accepted his resignation

I have not seen the article containing the reportedly insubordinate comments, and I am not attempting to make any political statement concerning General McChrystal or President Obama. I am simply observing the outcome of a leadership act: a high level leader who reports to a higher level leader within an organization took his discontent public and he had to leave the organization as a result.

On one side, some commentators have criticized General McChrystal for harming the Army’s mission in Afghanistan. On the other extreme, I heard speculation that General McChrystal may have made a public statement as a way to make his concerns known and to drive policy changes to protect his soldiers with full knowledge that it would lead to his removal from command.

Frankly, I don’t know General McChrystal’s motivations, and I’m not going to speculate about them.

I do know what happened, and I believe it demonstrates a valuable leadership lesson:

Disagree in private and agree in public.

Here’s what I mean by that statement. As a leader with the responsibility to carry out policy decisions made by others, do your arguing, debating, and persuading in private. When you are in public, show your support and commitment to the organization’s vision and mission.

If you see a moral or ethical dilemma, get out of the organization. If you cannot find a way to support the organizational direction, get out of the organization.

You simply should not stay in an organization, especially as a leader, if you do not support the organization’s goals.

As my friend and colleague Kevin Eikenberry says, “Vegetarians probably shouldn’t be servers in a steak house.”

You might survive for a while by hiding or suppressing your dissatisfaction and discontent, but it probably won’t last for long. You will likely say or do something eventually to hurt your leadership effectiveness.

Learn from the lesson demonstrated in the case of General McChrystal, get onboard with the organization’s mission or get out of the organization.

No related posts.

A few weeks ago, I read an interesting article titled On the Job, Nice Guys May Finish Last. The title immediately caught my attention, and I had to take a look.

In reading the article, I saw an immediate connection to my work and for other people interested in using the DISC model in their professional and personal lives.

The point made in this article is particularly significant for people with supportive tendencies (people who are people-oriented and reserved).

People with strong supportive traits are great at building relationships, easing tensions, helping others, and holding a team together. And, as Dr. Christine Riordan says in the article I mentioned above:

People with this natural personality trait may be less likely to face confrontation or other difficulties at work.

I’m not suggesting that having the supportive trait is a problem (it happens to be a strong secondary trait for me). I am suggesting that people with this trait commit themselves to learning the skills of assertive communication.

People with supportive traits often use passive communication strategies in an effort to ease tensions and reduce conflicts. While these strategies are sometimes useful and necessary, I recommend learning to use them intentionally when appropriate rather than as a default because they are more comfortable.

Consistently passive communication and conflict avoidance can create situations where conflicts go unresolved and continue to simmer under the surface until they explode and destroy a team or family. In addition, passive communication can make people, like the lamb pictured above, susceptible to “predators” in the workplace. Both scenarios can have  major negative impacts on your career.

Learning to apply assertive communication techniques can improve the odds of successfully confronting and resolving conflict situations at work by stopping the spread of destructive conflict and confrontation.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

… And What You Can Do About It

Have you ever told yourself that you wouldn’t do something? Maybe you said you wouldn’t eat too much at a party. Maybe you told yourself that you wouldn’t speak too soon at a meeting. Or maybe you just told yourself that you wouldn’t break the speed limit on the way home from work.

Whatever it was, you told yourself that you wouldn’t do something that you either normally do, wanted to do, or habitually do, and you eventually “gave-in” to the temptation.

Well, there’s a good reason for this behavior, and Dan Heath gives more details about it in this article over at Fast Company. I suggest that you check out the article for more details. For now, here’s the short version: self-control eventually runs out. In other words, you can only resist so long before you “run out” of self-control.

Your limit might be different from mine, and we all have a limit.

So, what does this observation have to do with this blog?

Since one of the recurring themes here is “get over yourself,” the concept of depleting self-control is vitally important to understand.

Whether you are trying to change your behavior, your team member’s behavior, or your child’s behavior, remember that everyone has a self-control limit, and when you exceed the limit you invite failure.

You invite failure to comply with rules, failure to cooperate, and failure to do things in new and different ways.

This is an observable and repeatable psychological phenomenon. Like so many of the things I write and speak on, I don’t suggest hiding behind the behavior. Rather, I suggest understanding the behavior and then making plans that recognized the reality of life instead of wishing that things were different.

So, what do we do with this observation?

Here are three suggestions to get you started with applying  this principle in your efforts to change your behaviors or to influence another person’s behaviors:

1. Get away from tempting situations as quickly as possible.
   Since we know that self-control will eventually run out, if at all possible, remove the temptation to do things the old way or to partake in some forbidden behavior.
2. Give people (or yourself) a break.
   If you ask someone to change their behavior in a particular situation, make some time for them to get away from it for awhile so that they can replenish their “supply” of self-control.
3. Make big changes in small steps.
   Smaller steps do many things to make change easier to accept. One benefit of smaller steps is the reduction of effort required to remember the new way of doing things. If the effort to remember the new way is small, the time to “self-control” exhaustion is longer. This longer temptation resistance time increases the odds that the new way of doing things becomes easy to remember before our self control runs out.

Photo by NomadicLass.

Related posts:

1. Being Too Nice Can Hurt You
2. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

I have noticed one behavior many of us use that almost guarantees that our suggestions, solutions, and opinions will be ignored when we offer them:

We tell people what to do before we have heard their whole story.

When we offer people suggestions, solutions, and opinions before we have heard them out, they often do not care what we have to say. So, they rarely listen to and fully comprehend what we are suggesting.

The suggestion might be useful. It might be right on target. It might be exactly what the other person needs to hear.

And, they probably won’t hear it.

If you speak too soon, you’re just trying to push fluid into an already full container.

Offering suggestions before people have told their whole story is like having a doctor prescribe medication or treatment before listening to all of the symptoms.

I once had numbness and tingling in my foot. I went to my doctor, and he asked a whole battery of questions before prescribing a treatment plan. He asked about my physical activity, other pains or sensations I had in other parts of my body, how my leg felt, etc.

In the end, we identified the source of the numbness in my foot to be a problem in my lower back. It could have been any number of other problems. If he had jumped on the numbness in my foot without digging further into my other symptoms, he could have prescribed a wonderful treatment for a problem that had nothing to do with my problem.

In this case, he chose to diagnose the problem before he prescribed a solution.

When we work with other people, we need to keep this idea in mind.

We may have valuable experience to offer. We may have seen this problem before. We might even have a great, simple solution to offer.

And it just doesn’t matter if we offer the suggestion, solution, or opinion in a way that virtually guarantees that the other person ignores or discounts our input.

As you work with others and attempt to share your experience, remember the lesson from my doctor:

Ask, listen, and diagnose before you prescribe.

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. How To Get People To Do What You Want
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

Earlier this week, I attended the ASTD conference in Chicago. As I worked in the Kevin Eikenberry Group booth, I noticed an interesting dynamic happening at the booths around me.

Where someone was willing to stand on a platform and speak, other people were willing to stop and listen.

In fact, it looked to me like people were not just willing to listen; they wanted to listen.

Likewise, at the booths where people sat and waited for the conference attendees to approach them, nothing happened.

So, here’s a big lesson I learned while working an exhibit hall booth at ASTD 2010 in Chicago:

If you’ve got something to say, stand up and say it.

If you stand up and say it, other people will probably stop to listen. They might not like what you have to say. They might not agree with what you have to say. They will listen to what you have to say.

I’m not advocating the use of a platform to harrangue, harrass,  or irritate people. I am suggesting that to be heard you have to have the courage to stand-up and speak.

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2. The Positive Runs Out

As Mary spoke about Sue’s behavior, she said something like this: “Sue did it on purpose just to irritate me.”

I remember thinking: “Maybe she did. Maybe she didn’t.”

I was not on the flight in question, and I did not personally observe the interaction between the two people. So, I don’t know exactly what transpired between them. I only know that Mary believed/perceived that Sue had behaved in a particular way with the express intent of irritating her. Based on Mary’s further description of the events, I also know that her behaviors towards Sue:

1. Came from her belief that Mary had intentionally irritated her, and
2. Served to escalate the conflict between them.

From what I could hear of the conversation, Mary never asked Sue about her thoughts, feelings, or intentions. Mary simply made some quick assumptions about Sue and then launched a tirade against her that significantly escalated the conflict.

Mary believed certain things about Sue. She did not know these things. Sadly, she acted on her belief without confirming it in any way. She just got angry and attacked (verbally in this case).

Later, as I sat on the flight and reflected on what I had heard, I recall thinking:

You never know another person’s intentions until you ask.

The point of this blog is to learn how to get over yourself and to get out of your own way when it comes to interacting, building relationships. leading, and communication with others.

My personal approach to the challenge of quickly judging other’s intentions is to keep an attitude of curiosity. For example, rather than assuming someone intentionally did something to irritate me, I work to ask myself a question like:

• “I wonder if they meant that the way I heard it?” or
• “I wonder what they see in this situation that I am missing?”

I’m far from perfect at avoiding the tendency to make wrong conclusions about others. So, I’m asking for your input:

What tips/techniques/suggestions have you used to better understand others and their intentions?

Please leave your responses in the comments section below. (If you see this post at some other site like facebook, please come on over to my blog to leave your comment.)

*Mary and Sue are totally fictitious names. While the event is real, I do not know, nor would I share if I knew, the real names of the parties involved.

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1. Get Over Yourself To Develop Effective Communication Skills
2. Effective Communication Skills: How to Quickly Guess a Person’s DISC Style
3. Effective Communication Skills: Use And More than But

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I have seen this concept discussed in a number of ways and in a variety of contexts. And today, I was reminded of the importance of this concept in virtually every area of our lives. Specifically, I received feedback from a coaching client about how this concept had helped her in her professional life.

This particular person is a hard-working, intelligent, kind, and capable person. She, like many of us, has one or two challenging professional relationships. In her case, she likes, trusts, respects AND has a challenge with one of her colleagues.

Because they work in an environment that is dynamic and rapidly changing, she often has conversations on new projects, initiatives, and ideas. Sometimes, she does not think of every question to ask for clarity and understanding at the time of her initial conversation about new projects with this colleague. In the past in these situations, she found that she felt criticized and ridiculed when she had to go back for clarity a day or so later.

She knew that she needed clarity, and the feeling of being criticized when she went back to her colleague resulted in her avoiding the follow-up conversations.

In one of our coaching calls a few weeks ago, I suggested that she tell the person in advance that she might have further questions when she got back to her desk and that she would likely call the next day to get answers on these questions.

She has done that over the last few weeks, and today she reported that the quality of her interactions with her colleague has improved remarkably.

This communication strategy matches the concept of begin with the end in mind. By telling her colleague that she will likely have questions, she is:

• Establishing reasonable expectations with her colleague,
• Preparing her colleague to receive the call, and
• Showing that she is concerned with a positive outcome.

She has taken personal responsibility to change what she can change rather than going into a blaming mindset or set of behaviors with regard to her colleague. She has made a consistent and persistent effort to make sure that her communications are as clear as possible. She has embodied what this blog is all about: learning to get over your ego, fears, self-consciousness, and self-protective behaviors to do what needs to be done to have healthy, productive relationships in all areas of your life.

I won’t be sharing her name, but she knows who she is. Since I wasn’t personally present to observe her interactions over the last few weeks, I may have some of the details a little off. I think she’ll be okay with that. Mostly, I want her to know that  I am proud of her efforts and her success, and I want the rest of my readers to learn from her example..

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. Effective Communication Skills: How to Quickly Guess a Person’s DISC Style
3. Get Over Yourself To Develop Effective Communication Skills

As I listened to the the news on both radio and television this Friday, nearly every mention of the switch to Daylight Saving Time brought on some mention of the “loss of one hour” we would experience on Saturday. It seemed that the entire focus during the time change weekend was on the loss. I don’t recall a single person speaking positively about the hour of daylight we would “gain” at the end of the normal business day.

Then, I thought back to the switch from Daylight Saving Time to Standard Time last fall, and I did not recall any significant mention of  “gaining one hour” during that weekend.

Here in Indiana, we just started observing Daylight Saving Time in 2006. So, it is still fairly well talked about when the time change happens. And, it seems to me, almost all of the talk is towards the negative.

Since I moved to Indiana as an adult, I lived for the better part of my life in states that observed Daylight Saving Time. So, I don’t really give it much thought one way or the other. It’s just “how it is” for me.

The point of this post is not to argue the merits or costs of Daylight Saving Time. I am just noticing a tendency that the time change reveals in human nature, and thinking through how I can learn from the behavioral tendencies surrounding this event. And here’s my observation:

People tend to notice loss more than gain and  to see the negative before they see the positive.

I recognize that this is a broad statement. Some people will argue that they don’t go negative. Well, maybe not. And most people do.

If you are interested in becoming a more persuasive and influential leader, communicator, or parent; the learning point is to realize that the people you are interacting with will likely notice what things cost, what they will lose, or how much your proposal will inconvenience them long before they notice the positive benefits or rewards of cooperating with you.

From a practical standpoint, this means that we must give people room to vent and express their negative reaction while we maintain a focus on the positive. They will likely go negative first. We need to anticipate and plan for this response rather than get caught off-guard and frustrated by it. Really, it’s okay. It’s normal. Almost all of us do it to some degree.

Highly effective leaders and communicators find ways to stay positive in spite of initial negative reactions from others.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Tips: Task Oriented People with People Oriented Individuals
2. “It’s cold in here” and Other Fighting Words
3. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask