I am also reflecting on the fact that today marks the twenty-seventh anniversary of my commissioning as an ensign in the United States Navy.

Many things have happened in that twenty-seven years. I…

• Completed my service as a submarine officer.
• Married my amazing wife.
• Became the father of two fantastic daughters.
• Worked in research, technical service, product development, and process development in both the plastics and coatings industries.
• Launched a consulting, training, and coaching business.
• Edited and contributed to several books.

Along the way, I have met and worked with some incredible people. More than my experiences, it is the people I have met that come to mind today as I reflect on the last twenty-seven years.

As a result of these relationships, I have the opportunity to do what I do today. For example…

• I am in the Chicago area because of a relationship that began about seven or eight years ago when the contact I have with today’s client worked with a different company.
• I co-authored a book (From Bud to Boss), co-created two workshops (Ultimate Communicator and Bud to Boss) that will be delivered across the country in more than fifty cities next year because I had a cup of coffee with my friend and colleague Kevin Eikenberry almost ten years ago.
• I have enjoyed dinner aboard a yacht in Seattle harbor because of friendships I formed in the Navy.
• I have traveled across North America, parts of Asia, and Western Europe because of personal and professional relationships that created business opportunities.

I could continue this list with other opportunities and experiences I have had over the last twenty-seven years because of people I have met and relationships I have developed over time. I won’t do that because the list is long, and I run the risk of leaving someone out in my rush to move to my next task.

As I reflect today, I see that technical competence has been a part of the opportunities I have had, and that relationships are the bigger part. It has usually been a relationship, not my skill, that got me “in the door” for an opportunity.

I also see that, in the rush of daily activities, it is easy to move quickly from task to task without investing the time to honor and acknowledge important relationships.

Today, I encourage you to remember the value of relationships in both your personal and professional lives, and to do something in the next 24 hours to honor and acknowledge at least one of those relationships.

Related posts:

1. How Much Margin Do You Have?
2. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles

While forgiving often seems like something that you do for others, it is, in reality, something you do for yourself.

Forgiving benefits the person who receives forgiveness, and it benefits the person who forgives even more.

Many times, the person that has not received forgiveness has forgotten the event while the person who refuses to forgive continues to harbor anger and bitterness. Holding on to anger and bitterness harms the angry person more than it harms others.

I have heard many people say that they have experienced events in their lives that they cannot forgive. I suggest that line of thinking makes two common mistakes:

1. Confusing forgiving with forgetting, and
2. Confusing can’t forgive with won’t forgive.

You can forgive someone for their actions without forgetting what happened.  If the harm really is severe and you believe that it will come back again in the future, you can choose to let go of the anger and negative thoughts about the other person without forgetting that they cannot be trusted in certain situations.

If someone has harmed you, you can forgive them in order to move forward and remember that you do not feel safe trusting them in the future.

Choosing to let go of anger implies an act of will. It is a choice, and most people (with only a few exceptions) really are free to choose how they think.

Initial anger might be beyond control, and that moment is temporary. Continuing to be angry is a choice.

To free yourself to build healthy, happy, productive personal and professional relationships, choose to forgive.

Related posts:

1. The ABC’s of Life: Be Kind
2. The ABC’s of Life: Count Your Blessings
3. The ABC’s of Life: Dream

Today’s thought is to express thanks.

It’s not really that hard to do. Or is it?

When we are tired, thinking about other things, or feeling awkward, we can overlook the idea of expressing thanks. I’m not talking about thinking thankful thoughts or giving someone a quick nod of acknowledgment. I’m talking about actually saying the words thank-you. For example:

• When my wife fixes dinner, do I always say thanks?
• When my daughter gets me a cup of coffee in the morning, do I always say thanks?
• When my colleagues and co-workers do something to help, do I always say thanks?
• When my neighbor cuts a bit of the grass in my yard when they are doing theirs, do I always say thanks?
• When a stranger waits a moment to hold the door for me, do I always say thanks?

Sadly, the answer to all of these is: no.

I think I do a fairly good job of expressing thanks, and today’s thought reminds me that I could do better. I know that I have missed opportunities to thank people in my life.

Some of them, I have mentioned above, and there are others. There are mentors, old friends, and family members who have done acts of kindness and service for me that I have not fully and properly acknowledged with a spoken thanks. I’m getting better as I mature, and I still have some catching up to do.

It’s not too late.

For example, a few weeks ago I thought of something a friend of mind did for me in high school, and I had never thanked her for it.  We were friendly in high school, but not really close friends. She was pretty, popular, and very outgoing (at least that’s how I remember her). I was geeky, awkward, and terribly shy around girls (that’s how I remember me).

One day in the gym she stepped in to stop some people from slapping the sunburn on my back. Because of my embarrassment and shyness, I never thanked her. I appreciated what she did. I just didn’t say anything about it.

When I remembered again, I found her on facebook, and I sent a thank-you message thirty-something years after the event. Based on her reaction, I’m guessing it was a pleasant surprise to her.  As I suspected, she had not remembered the event. It was a small event out of four years of high school. There was no reason for her to remember.

It was important, though, to let her know that I had remembered, and that her kindness made a difference for someone. In the end, it cost me almost nothing, and it was encouraging to her. I would call that a great return on investment. I am really happy that I remembered the event and that I took action on the memory.

Has anyone ever done something for you that you haven’t yet thanked them for? If the answer is yes, find them and thank them. You will both be glad that you did.

Related posts:

1. The ABC’s of Life: Accept Difference
2. The ABC’s of Life: Be Kind
3. The ABC’s of Life: Count Your Blessings

Today, I’m tackling a topic that does not come naturally to me. Actually, dreaming seems a bit flaky from my perspective. (Remember, I call myself The Recovering Engineer).

For me, dreaming triggers thoughts of unrealistic expectations, false hopes, and illogical pursuits. These are the first thoughts that come to mind based on my naturally analytical, logical, fact-based view of the world.

My second thought is that this view is a bit sad.

It’s sad because it limits possibility. It’s sad because it extinguishes hope. It’s sad because it’s so logical.

I am not suggesting that we give up logical, rational assessment. That would violate my natural view of the world.

I am suggesting that we give logical, rational assessment a holiday on occasion so that we can see possibilities.

When we fail to see possibilities, we are stuck only what we currently have. Without a dream, nothing ever changes for the better.

Without someone having a dream, we would not have

• Air travel
• Automobiles
• Personal computers
• Smart phones
• Music
• Buildings
• Indoor plumbing
• Sporting events
• Concerts
• Museums
• And the list goes on.

Do I believe that dreaming alone will make good things happen? No. I do believe that good things will not happen without a dream to get the ball rolling.

Do I believe that a dream will get you through every obstacle you face? Nope. I don’t believe that either. I do believe that the dream gives you the energy it takes to do the work to anticipate and overcome the obstacles you will inevitably face in pursuit of the dream.

Yesterday, I listened to an audio program by Dan Kennedy. Some people love him. Some people hate him. Anyone who studies his business track record will agree that he has been very successful.

In that program, he said that he was optimistic about the big picture and pessimistic about the details. In other words, he operates with the hope and expectation of accomplishing big things even though he realizes that he might experience set-backs and challenges in the pursuit. To deal with the set-backs and challenges, he anticipates and plans for anything he can envision going wrong. Then, when he encounters a problem, he has a plan for dealing with it rather than being defeated by it.

In short — dream big and plan for problems.

I think his approach is a great idea.

Today, despite my natural tendencies, I encourage you to dream.

Related posts:

1. The ABC’s of Life: Be Kind
2. The ABC’s of Life: Forgive
3. The ABC’s of Life: Count Your Blessings

Bad stuff happens to everyone.

We all face illness, the death of loved ones, financial crises, job setbacks, relationship challenges, and mechanical malfunctions. All of them are real, and all of them can breed frustration. When faced with these events, we often view them only in the negative context, and we ask the question: “Why me?”

Recently, I read a quote by the great tennis player Arthur Ashe:

If I were to say, “God, why me?” about the bad things, then I should have said, “God, why me?” about the good things that happened in my life.

— Arthur Ashe

If I understand correctly, he said this sometime after he was diagnosed with AIDS — after he was confronted with and had to live with “bad” news.

After this diagnosis, he went on to speak out for AIDS awareness rather than quietly retire to a private life.  Shortly before his death, he founded the Arthur Ashe Institute for Urban Health.  He kept using his blessings to help others even when he had received what many would call a curse.

Here’s what I propose, don’t ask “why” questions when confronted with adversity. Instead, ask “what” questions. Ask:

• What lesson have I learned from this experience?
• What will I do now?
• What good is there in this situation?

“What” questions give you power. “Why” questions sap your strength.

And, I come back to the title of this post: Count Your Blessings.

Despite any hardship, all of us have some blessing.

If I have a co-worker who drives me nuts, I have a job. If my car has a broken water pump, I have a car. If my furnace breaks, I live indoors.  If I lose a loved one, I had the privilege of knowing them.

I do not suggest that counting your blessings during a crisis or hardship is an easy thing to do. Nor do I claim to always execute this thought perfectly.

I do know that when I have found the strength and wisdom to look past the challenge to see the blessing, the challenge seemed less daunting, and I had the energy to persevere. When I have focused on the challenge, I have felt hopeless and without energy.

So, to have energy, enthusiasm, and happiness — count your blessings.

Related posts:

1. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
2. The ABC’s of Life: Accept Difference
3. The ABC’s of Life: Be Kind

What a simple concept, and it is so often violated.

It does not seem that being kind should be difficult. Yet, I see examples of unkindness all around me.

• Parents yelling at their kids.
• Kids ignoring their parents.
• Bosses interrupting employees.
• Employees gossiping about their boss.
• People cutting each other off in traffic.
• Customers getting impatient with store employees.
• Store employees failing to listen to customers.
• And the list goes on.

It’s really not so hard to be kind. What is hard is remembering to do it when you are stressed, tired, rushed, or frustrated.

Today, my encouragement for you is to be kind.

Let someone go first at an intersection. Stop and listen to your employee, co-worker, spouse, or child. Let the person who is rude to you finish what they have to say. Take your neighbor’s garbage can to their garage. Hold the door for someone.

Do something today to be kind to another person.

I think it will make their day — and yours.

Related posts:

1. The ABC’s of Life: Count Your Blessings
2. The ABC’s of Life: Dream
3. The ABC’s of Life: Forgive

During the week between Christmas and New Year’s day, my wife and I went to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. Near the end of the day, we stopped in one of the gift shops, and we found the plaque shown in the picture with this post. We immediately loved it, and I knew that it would become the object of a series of posts inspired by the message on it. This is the first of those posts.

Accept differences. What a simple, yet powerful concept.

By accept differences, I do not mean tolerance. I have already written about why I don’t want to be a tolerant person.

When I say accept differences, I mean that I see the power in understanding how other people develop thoughts and feelings about certain topics that are different from my thoughts and feelings without lapsing into criticism, condemnation, and moral judgment about them as human beings.

As I see it, accept differences means that I can…

• Accept the person even when I do not accept his ideas, thoughts, and beliefs
  
• Be friendly, cordial, and respectful despite our different viewpoints
• Work with someone to solve a problem even when we disagree about issues unrelated to the problem we are solving.

One day recently, my wife told a teenage girl that she disagreed with the teenager’s choice and the teenager replied: “Mrs. Harris, don’t be hatin’.”

Does disagreement really have to imply hate?

I do not think that my disagreement with a persons behaviors or choices means that I hate her, and I don’t believe that a person hates me simply because she disagrees with me.

Accept differences.

Related posts:

1. The Difference Between Doing and Mastering
2. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
3. The ABC’s of Life: Express Thanks

A few days ago, I posted about the tragic death of a young lady who was part of my life when I was in college and she was a toddler. You can read that post here.

Sadly, I was unable to attend her funeral. I learned of the accident that took her life late on Thursday night and the funeral was on Saturday. I live in Indiana, and her funeral was in North Carolina.

My inability to get to North Carolina to lend my support to people who were a big part of my early adulthood saddened me equally as much as hearing of Krystal’s death.

In reflecting on the events of the last few days, I see that the problem is one of margin.

To explain what I mean, I’ll lean on my background as an engineer.

In my engineering design classes, I learned about the concept of design or safety margin — a factor built into design calculations to allow for minor errors, miscalculations, under estimations, and other variables that are difficult to accurately determine.

While I was in the Navy and learning to become an Engineering Officer, I learned about the specific margins that were built into both the submarine and the engineering plant to ensure safe operation.

Later, when I was working as a research engineer in the chemical industry, I used the concept of design margin as I developed new products and worked with customers to get our products qualified for their applications.

Safe engineering design always considers, allows for, and builds in some margin for safety.

This weekend, I became eminently aware of the lack of margin in my life. I didn’t have enough time margin to safely make the 12-hour one-way drive in the time I had between learning of Krystal’s death and her funeral. I didn’t have enough financial margin to jump on a plane and go.

Do I have enough time to live up to my immediate commitments? Yes. Do I have enough financial margin to meet my financial obligations? Yes.

And having enough to meet the minimum requirements does not create margin.

Just as the concept of margin applies to our schedule and our budgets, it also applies to our personal and professional relationships. For example, do you have enough margin in your relationships to…

• Withstand a communication error?
• Make it through a misunderstanding of intention?
• Survive a missed appointment?
• Last beyond a forgotten task?
• Etc.

I don’t propose that I have a “silver bullet” answer for creating more margin. I do find myself thinking about it a lot the last few days.

I suppose that each person has to find his own way to create margin in his life. So, as we prepare to end 2010 and begin 2011, I’ll share the question with you that I’ve been asking myself:

What will you do, starting now, to create more time, financial, and relationship margin in your life?

This is a big question to consider, and it relates directly to how you set your goals for next year.

If you have suggestions for me or others reading this post that might help in this process, please leave a comment below.

If you have specific questions about setting better goals, my friend and colleague, Kevin Eikenberry, is leading a free teleseminar on December 21 to address goal setting issues. You can leave your question for him and register here.

Related posts:

1. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
2. Conflict Resolution from John Wooden – What’s Right Not Who’s Right
3. Learning to Embrace Messiness

I won’t go into the details of our thirty year friendship other than to say that my friend’s niece was important to me. So, I was, and am, sad.

This post is, in one way, a tribute to a young life that ended too soon at 28 years old. And, in another way, it’s a reminder to treasure and protect your relationships.

I knew Krystal well while I was in college at N.C. State. I met her when she was an infant, and I had several opportunities to take care of and play with her as she became a toddler.

It was around this week about 27 years ago that I watched her while my friend and her sister went Christmas shopping. I remember that Krystal was teething, we ran out of Anbesol, and I didn’t have a car seat with me so that I could take her with me to go get more. I sat in a chair and held her for the better part of 3 or 4 hours even though I had homework to do. It was a terrible night that I remember fondly.

When she was about 2 or 3, I built Krystal a toy box with her name on the front in hand-cut wood letters. When I spoke with my friend on Thursday, I learned that Krystal still had that toy box in her home. That, too, was a happy memory.

Shortly after building the toy box, I entered the Navy and my life went away from North Carolina.

I’m sure that I saw her again when I visited my parents on trips home while I was stationed in Charleston, South Carolina, but no particularly notable event happened that I recall right now.

Over the the next 15 or 16 years I got married, and I had my own kids. I still thought of Krystal often, I just didn’t get back to Raleigh to reconnect with my college and high school friends and their families after my parents moved from there.

The last time I saw Krystal, she was around 20 or 21 years old. I was in Raleigh to do a workshop. I was only in town for one night, and she made a point of coming to see me for a brief visit. It wasn’t a big thing except that she made the effort, and it meant a lot to me.

I’ll likely be in Raleigh next summer to do another workshop. Looking ahead at my 2011 calendar, I have been hoping to plan an extra day or two while I’m in town to do some reconnecting. Krystal was high on my short list of people I would love to see. Now, I won’t get that chance.

Over the last few days, I keep remembering the words of the song Blink by the group Revive. And that’s the life lesson that goes with this post. Rather than tell you the words, I thought I would ask that you take the 4 minutes it takes to watch the video.

It’s powerful, and it sums up much of what I’m feeling and thinking as I remember Krystal.

Related posts:

1. How Much Margin Do You Have?

To take charge of your life, focus on controlling what you can.

As a practical matter, there’s not much you can control. So, you might as well control what you can.

You cannot control:

• How other people treat you
• How other people respond to you
• What other people say
• The weather
• Company policies (for many people)
• Laws (again, for most people)
• etc.

You can control your own words, actions, reactions, and interactions.

That’s it.

When I discuss this idea in training, I often say that of the 6+ billion people on the planet I can only control one of them. And he doesn’t always cooperate with me.

Still, controlling myself is all I’ve got.

For example, I can’t control whether or not people read this blog. I can control how often I post.

I can’t control if people treat me with respect. I can control if I treat them with respect.

And, the list goes on in like manner.

The point is this:

By focusing on what I can control, I become less concerned with what I cannot control.

With this as my focus, I can take charge of my life. You can choose to do the same.

Related posts:

1. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
2. Commit to Continual Learning – Life Lessons From Cal Ripken, Jr
3. Victim or Victor – You Decide