Earlier this week, I was in Chicago leading a Bud to Boss Workshop. During the workshop, I told a story I often tell about a situation in my life where, as a leader of a team, I was confronted with large scale changes that impacted me in ways that I could not change or control.

Without going into all the details here, the main point of the story came from a decision I made and I encouraged the other members of my team to make. The decision was to do a “cost-benefit analysis” of our new situation.

Did it offer us more positive or more negative?

If it was more positive, we needed to go forward without complaining about the negative because we had chosen to accept it into our lives for the moment.

If it was more negative, we needed to develop a plan to leave the situation. And, having made the decision to leave, we needed to quit complaining because we were taking action to fix our frustration.

In my case, I chose to stay. I decided to fix what I could. Attempt to exert positive influence on those things that I couldn’t directly change. And to forget about the rest.

Another person asked for my help in finding another job. I did that, and he was happy.

After telling the story, one of the workshop participants shared a variation of the thought that she had read elsewhere. If I knew the original source, I would give credit. Since I don’t, I will simply acknowledge that this terminology didn’t come from me even though I really like the simplicity of it.

Here’s the thought.

When confronted with a frustrating situation (job change, buy-out, merger, etc.), do your “cost-benefit analysis” and choose one of these options:

Take It

Accept the change with all of its good and bad components, and realize that it is your choice to stay.

Leave It

If the negative outweighs the positive for you, get out. Life is too short to stay (for very long) in a situation you hate.

Change It

Take action to fix the things that you can fix or change. Do everything in your power to make the situation better while recognizing the difference between those things that you can control, the people that you can influence, and everything else that you can neither control nor influence.

After you make your choice, quit complaining about it.

My experience with this approach has taught me this: I still might not like parts of the environment, but the choice to take responsibility for being there rather than blaming others for my situation greatly reduces the daily stress and frustration I might feel from being in the environment.

Related posts:

1. Task-Oriented vs People-Oriented: A Common Source of Conflict

What’s Not Happening Today

In the last two weeks, I have written so much that I don’t really have the energy, clarity of thought, or focus to come up with something that seems to me like writing about. So, I thought that rather than share my somewhat clouded thoughts, I would pass along some of what I found today as I looked through my RSS feeds.

Here are some posts worth reading:

• And the Wall Came Tumbling Down by Kevin Eikenberry
• Wonder What’s Really On Their Mind by Kare Anderson
• Organizational Conflict: Benign Intentions Don’t Cancel Bad Impact by Tammy Lenski
• What’s Logic Got to Do With It? by Lisa Haneberg
• The Sound of Silence: The Power of Listening Between the Lines by Diane Levin
• Managing the Toxic High Performer by Dan McCarthy
• We’re All Recovering Somethings by Amber Naslund
• Kindness, Present and Past by Angie Thompson

No related posts.

Get ready, this is a bit of a rant.

Nothing happened to set me off. There was no “precipitating event” this morning.  This is just a frustration of mine that has been building for some time. Ready? Here goes…

Why do we blame other people when we don’t do everything we can do to fix or change a bad situation?

Parents blame teachers and teachers blame parents for poor test scores. Managers blame employees and employees blame managers for poor business results. Parents blame teenagers and teenagers blame parents for misunderstandings.

I completely support the idea of holding people accountable for their words, actions, and responsibilities. I believe that people are responsible for both their actions and their failures to act.

I also believe that you cannot hold someone else accountable if you have not, first, done everything in your power to fix the situation.

Doing my part has nothing to do with you doing your part. It’s my responsibility to do everything in my power to make things better whether you choose to cooperate with me or not.

The moment that I make my contribution to making things better contingent on you doing your part, I abdicate my responsibility.

Yes, I understand that people get frustrated and give up when other people don’t eventually cooperate. I get that.

I’m not suggesting that we should keep pursuing relationships that have no hope of reciprocal effort or that we continue to work in environments that are toxic or dangerous (either emotionally or physically) beyond our ability to change them.

I am suggesting that we make sure we have done whatever we can do before we even begin to think about pointing our fingers at other people.

Here’s my personal responsibility pledge:

From this day forward, I pledge to always give my best and fullest effort to a business, organization, cause or relationship that I am involved in before I start blaming other people for its failure.

Will you join me today in taking the personal responsibility pledge?

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1. Victim or Victor – You Decide

My Boat - USS Benjamin Franklin

Twenty-one years ago this month I left the U.S. Navy, got married, and began my civilian career.

A lot has happened in those twenty-one years. I have moved from South Carolina to New Jersey to Michigan and to Indiana. I have worked in large multi-national corporations, small family-owned businesses, and in my own business. I have become a father. I have faced financial ups and downs. I have experienced health challenges and been with family members through their health challenges. I helped to care for my aging mother-in-law until I had the privilege of being with her as she passed away.

A lot happened while I served as a submarine officer in the Navy and since. All of it has contributed to making me who I am today.

Even though I served in the U.S. military, when people ask for veterans to stand or raise their hands, I do it in a sort of  self-conscious way. In many respects, I don’t feel totally worthy of being called a “veteran” because I don’t really see my service as being a great sacrifice or struggle. While I learned a great deal about myself, about working with people, about problem solving, and about responding to crises, my experience seems a little insignificant compared to the service of others.

I never faced anything like the men and women of our armed forces face today or in any of the wars prior to my time in service. In the midst of my training for and response to life-and-death situations, the most significant casualty I faced was a fire on-board our submarine that lasted about one minute. The most physical hardship I faced was nine days without showers due to an equipment malfunction. Not so significant when compared with facing IED’s on roadsides every day.

On one Veteran’s Day a year or so ago, my daughter had a discussion with her teacher about my service. When her teacher asked which war I had served in, she said: “The Cold War.” It was funny, and it was true. I “fought” the Cold War.

Last Friday, I got up around 4:00 am to fly from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania back to Indianapolis. On this journey, I had about a two hour layover scheduled between flights in Detroit. My two hour layover eventually became a seven hour layover due to mechanical problems with the plane.

Another person on the flight from Detroit to Indianapolis was a U.S. soldier who began his travels somewhere in Iraq. He had already made 18 hops in his 2.5 day journey home, and he just wanted to see his wife and kids for three days. Tomorrow he begins his 2.5 day return journey back to his duty station in Iraq.

We spoke a bit during our time together in Detroit. Sadly, I do not know his name. I know a little of his story, and I saw his two young children waiting for him with “Welcome Home” signs at the Indianapolis airport. We only got the chance to briefly connect. As is often the case in group conversations like the one we had in Detroit, the roughly forty of us that were waiting together shared conversation, but we didn’t get very personal.

As we waited, I saw several people get really agitated with Delta Airlines. True, they could have done a better job of keeping us informed about the status of our delay. But, was it really that big of a deal? I noticed that the solider who had been traveling for 2.5 days to spend 3 days at home never got angry. He was as frustrated as anyone, and he kept his cool. He seemed to be able to keep the short-term situation in perspective compared to the bigger picture of his life and experiences.

Memorial Day is for people like him who serve in harms way and the people who have given their lives in service to their country. It is a day to remember their service and sacrifice.

And, as we face little daily struggles like delayed flights, traffic congestion, children who forget things at school, and a thousand other minor daily irritations, let’s remember to keep things in perspective.

Related posts:

1. Just Be Nice

Earlier this week, I attended the ASTD conference in Chicago. As I worked in the Kevin Eikenberry Group booth, I noticed an interesting dynamic happening at the booths around me.

Where someone was willing to stand on a platform and speak, other people were willing to stop and listen.

In fact, it looked to me like people were not just willing to listen; they wanted to listen.

Likewise, at the booths where people sat and waited for the conference attendees to approach them, nothing happened.

So, here’s a big lesson I learned while working an exhibit hall booth at ASTD 2010 in Chicago:

If you’ve got something to say, stand up and say it.

If you stand up and say it, other people will probably stop to listen. They might not like what you have to say. They might not agree with what you have to say. They will listen to what you have to say.

I’m not advocating the use of a platform to harrangue, harrass,  or irritate people. I am suggesting that to be heard you have to have the courage to stand-up and speak.

Related posts:

1. One Way To Guarantee That Your Suggestion Is Ignored
2. The Positive Runs Out

This week, I traveled to Boston to lead a Bud To Boss Workshop for first time supervisors. On my return trip, I connected with a flight in Chicago.

I ran between gates to catch the flight to Indianapolis only to wait at the gate because this flight — like the one I had just taken from Boston to Chicago — was delayed.

Upon boarding the plane, I settled into my seat beside a nice young woman who was also connecting on this flight, and I made a comment about the commuter jet we were on not being built to accommodate people of my height. She replied with a soft laugh, and we struck up a conversation that lasted until we landed in Indianapolis.

During the conversation, I learned that she had gone to school in Indiana and that she now lived out-of-state as a result of her husband’s job. I also learned that through her husband she knew a fairly prominent public figure, and I asked a question about this person’s public versus private persona’s. She responded kindly. I acknowledged her response, and the conversation took another turn.

Seeing each other again at baggage claim, we waved and said good-bye. I enjoyed our conversation and the opportunity to meet this rather interesting person.

My wife picked me up, and I told her about the nice young woman I had met on the plane. Arriving at home, my wife went to bed, and I stayed up a bit to unwind from the trip.

While I checked my email, I began to get curious about the full connection between the person I met and the prominent public figure. With less than two minutes of searching on Google, I learned that she was the prominent figure’s daughter-in-law.

Reflecting on our conversation, I was really happy that I had not said anything derogatory, negative, or judgmental about her father-in-law. Like many public figures, he has a strong personality that can create both strong allies and strong detractors, and it would be easy to pass judgment on him as a person because of his public persona.

In the days that have passed since my interchange on the plane with a person I will likely never see again, I am pleased that I both remembered and followed advice I received long ago:

You never know what the person you just met may have experienced or who they might know. So, just be nice.

Related posts:

1. Being Too Nice Can Hurt You
2. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
3. Memorial Day Reflections: Let’s Keep Things In Perspective

As I listened to the the news on both radio and television this Friday, nearly every mention of the switch to Daylight Saving Time brought on some mention of the “loss of one hour” we would experience on Saturday. It seemed that the entire focus during the time change weekend was on the loss. I don’t recall a single person speaking positively about the hour of daylight we would “gain” at the end of the normal business day.

Then, I thought back to the switch from Daylight Saving Time to Standard Time last fall, and I did not recall any significant mention of  “gaining one hour” during that weekend.

Here in Indiana, we just started observing Daylight Saving Time in 2006. So, it is still fairly well talked about when the time change happens. And, it seems to me, almost all of the talk is towards the negative.

Since I moved to Indiana as an adult, I lived for the better part of my life in states that observed Daylight Saving Time. So, I don’t really give it much thought one way or the other. It’s just “how it is” for me.

The point of this post is not to argue the merits or costs of Daylight Saving Time. I am just noticing a tendency that the time change reveals in human nature, and thinking through how I can learn from the behavioral tendencies surrounding this event. And here’s my observation:

People tend to notice loss more than gain and  to see the negative before they see the positive.

I recognize that this is a broad statement. Some people will argue that they don’t go negative. Well, maybe not. And most people do.

If you are interested in becoming a more persuasive and influential leader, communicator, or parent; the learning point is to realize that the people you are interacting with will likely notice what things cost, what they will lose, or how much your proposal will inconvenience them long before they notice the positive benefits or rewards of cooperating with you.

From a practical standpoint, this means that we must give people room to vent and express their negative reaction while we maintain a focus on the positive. They will likely go negative first. We need to anticipate and plan for this response rather than get caught off-guard and frustrated by it. Really, it’s okay. It’s normal. Almost all of us do it to some degree.

Highly effective leaders and communicators find ways to stay positive in spite of initial negative reactions from others.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Tips: Task Oriented People with People Oriented Individuals
2. “It’s cold in here” and Other Fighting Words
3. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask

As I look at the health care reform debate, I see a number of these behaviors in the way the discussion(s) is (are) proceeding. And, frankly, it makes me sick.

I am not a doctor, pharmacist, attorney, drug company executive or any other person who has deep insights into the intricacies of our health care system. I am, though, a person who can observe the process and see how the current discussion has virtually no hope of arriving at a good conclusion.

Virtually all of the discussion that I have seen mentions or implies that the system itself is broken. Then, the debate turns to how we should redesign the way we pay for the broken system. Almost no substantive discussion about how to fix the system. Just discussions, arguments and rants about how to pay for it.

Excuse me! How does that make any sense at all?

Do I have an opinion about what needs to happen to make the system better. Well, of course I do, and that’s not the point of this post.

The point of this post is to learn from the communication, conflict resolution, and problem solving failures present in this discussion.

Problem number one: Discussing solutions before reaching agreement on the definition of the problem.

If we disagree on the definition of the problem, we can never agree on the solution. When people jump to discussing solutions before they discuss their respective viewpoints about how to best define the problem, they lock themselves into a negative spiral of conversation that rarely, if ever, leads to resolution. It might lead to one party “beating” the other. It does not lead to resolution.

Problem number two: Discussing symptoms rather than root causes.

A former co-worker of mine once received a call from a family member for help with a leaking water heater. As my co-worker entered his family member’s home, he found his brother-in-law frantically mopping water from the floor trying to stay ahead of the leaking water heater. My co-worker, also my friend, approached the scene and then reached over his brother-in-law’s head to shut the supply valve on the water heater. Once the supply of water stopped, the leak slowed and they could clean-up the mess. My friend’s brother-in-law was so focused on the symptom (water on the floor) that he didn’t stop long enough to fix the root cause (water flowing through the water heater).

Failing to clearly identify root causes forces you to spend inordinate amounts of effort on “fixing” the symptoms rather than dealing with the real problem.

When you’re trying your case in the court of public opinion, attempting to preserve your chances for re-election, or hoping for a powerful sound byte for the evening news; the tactics employed by politicians may be useful. Just don’t use them in your personal or professional life. They are almost destined to fail.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Lessons From A Lifeguard: A Drowning Man Doesn’t Care About You
2. The 7 Deadly Sins of Conflict Resolution

In this time of Olympic competition, I wonder about these sorts of questions.

Evan Lysacek beats Yevgeny Plushenko by playing the scoring system to its fullest, and he wins. Then Plushenko plays the victim. In my opinion, he lost – end of story.

Maybe Plushenko is more daring. Maybe he is the better physical skater. Maybe the scoring system should reward the quad more highly than it does. Maybe the system should be changed to better reward risk and daring.

These issues are far beyond my knowledge of skating. I don’t know how to address the systemic issues. I do know that Lysacek understood the rules of the game he was playing better than Plushenko. Lysacek applied the rules to his program, and he was the victor.

Now Plushenko plays the victim and cries foul. Well, he’s a poor sport as far as I’m concerned. Plushenko blames, criticizes, and ridicules Lysacek. Is it Lysacek’s fault that Plushenko didn’t know how to play the game? I don’t think so.

It’s not Lysacek’s fault that Plushenko didn’t plan his program to take full advantage of his athletic ability to gain as many points as possible. The fault is Plushenko’s.

What, you might ask, has any of this got to do with the topic of this blog?

The answer: it’s about personal responsibility.

When we blame our circumstances or outside factors for our behaviors, we abdicate responsibility for our actions. We give away the only control we really have – the control over our words and actions.

Earlier today, I read a post by my friend and colleague Kevin Eikenberry titled: Who Is Responsible, Really? In his post, he calls it a rant, he makes an argument for why we need to take personal responsibility for our actions. I could not agree more.

Do outside events affect us and drive our behaviors to a certain extent? Of course they do.

Do other people’s behaviors affect us and our emotions? Of course they do.

Do we often overlook the influence of environmental factors when evaluating the behaviors of others (Fundamental Attribution Error)? Absolutely we do.

None of this takes away from the point of this post: If we want to win, we have to take responsibility for ourselves. If we want to be great communicators, leaders, parents, spouses, friends, family members, and co-workers; we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Playing the victim, blaming others, and looking for others to fix our situation are futile efforts. As I heard in the Navy, you need to “man up” if you want to win.

Just for comparison, take a look at the definitions of victim and victor:

vic·tim (n.)¹

1. One who is harmed or killed by another: a victim of a mugging.
2. A living creature slain and offered as a sacrifice during a religious rite.
3. One who is harmed by or made to suffer from an act, circumstance, agency, or condition: victims of war.
4. A person who suffers injury, loss, or death as a result of a voluntary undertaking: You are a victim of your own scheming.
5. A person who is tricked, swindled, or taken advantage of: the victim of a cruel hoax.

vic·tor (n.)²

One who defeats an adversary; the winner in a fight, battle, contest, or struggle.

External events can happen outside my control. Other people may treat me in ways that I cannot control. Economic turmoil and business conditions are usually beyond my control. Winning or losing a particular event, situation, or circumstance might be beyond my control.

Thinking like a victor or a victim is in my control. Victors defeat adversaries. Victims have no control. In the battle to become a better parent, leader, spouse, and co-worker; the battle is with myself. The battle is to overcome my own self-limiting thoughts and emotional responses.

There is no Fundamental Attribution Error when I evaluate myself. There is either the honesty to confront my failures and to learn from them or the dishonesty of blaming others when I didn’t control myself.

Plushenko didn’t learn the rules of the game well enough. He did what he wanted to do rather than what would bring him victory. Lysacek played the game based on the rules as they were given to him.

In working with people, we can either try to change human nature, or we can learn to work with it. We can say that people shouldn’t behave the way they do, or we can learn to understand the way they do.

I cannot control how other people behave. I cannot control many circumstances and events. I can control how I respond to them.

In working with people, you can take the Plushenko approach (this is how it should be) or the Lysacek approach (this is how it is). Plushenko lost. Lysacek won.

In the battle to make yourself a better person, you can be either a victim or a victor. You can’t be both. The choice is yours.

Related posts:

1. Decision Making 101 – Check Your Emotions Before You Decide
2. Why You Might Eventually Do Something You Don’t Want to Do…
3. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself

In summary, his research found that we tend to make poor decisions when we have recently experienced a negative emotion. That makes some intuitive sense related to the short-term impact on our decision making. Surprisingly, he also found that we tend to repeat those bad decisions when we are faced with them again in a later situation that was not preceded by a negative experience or emotion.

Here’s the impact of his findings, if we make a snap or quick decision in the heat of the moment while we are angry, upset, or frustrated, we just might repeat that decision at a later date when we are not under the influence of a negative emotion. So, that one time snap decision can have a lasting impact on our businesses, families, and relationships.

Here’s where I see the practical upshot of Ariely’s findings, always check your emotions before you make a significant decision. Before writing that performance appraisal, evaluating those budget numbers, confronting poor performance, disciplining your child, or speaking with your spouse; check yourself.

Are you still angry from an earlier conversation with someone else? Are you irritated by the traffic on your drive to work? Did you just learn that you need to invest money you don’t have to repair your car?

If so, be careful. You might want to take a few extra minutes to get your emotions in check. Take a walk, read something positive, or just get away from the situation for a moment to carefully consider your emotional state and it’s possible impact on your decision making.

The issue is bigger than the one decision in front of you at the moment. The issue is the potential to sow the seed of a pattern of decision making that could have a long-term negative impact on your relationships and performance.

Related posts:

1. Communicating About Change – Connect With Emotions
2. Victim or Victor – You Decide
3. Why You Might Eventually Do Something You Don’t Want to Do…