Comments on: Why Your Natural Response to Conflict is Probably Wrong & What You Can Do About It

By: One Way to Head Off a Conflict: Manage Expectations

One Way to Head Off a Conflict: Manage Expectations — Sun, 28 Aug 2011 04:25:29 +0000

[...] I wrote previously about why your natural response to conflict is probably wrong and how conflicts escalate, we often feel angry or frustrated as conflicts get started — just as [...]

By: Guy Harris

Guy Harris — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 15:13:10 +0000

Valerie – Thanks for the feedback and for your additional comments. Your example is a really good one. I also like the approach you suggest for breaking through these first reactions. Great to ‘meet’ you here.

Thanks again.

Guy

By: Valerie Iravani

Valerie Iravani — Sat, 27 Aug 2011 11:23:20 +0000

Hello Guy,

Where were you when I made all of these mistakes over and over again?! The good news is I managed to learn to breathe through my first response, and remember to suspend judgement and ask for clarification – listening to the other person’s point of view.

Even better, I learned to enter every conversation with a sense of optimism, partnership and curiosity – rather than frustration, anger and blame.

I have also learned to control my fear about uncomfortable feedback. It takes practice, and, as you state in your blog, a re-examination of the story I am telling myself about the person or situation.

A good example: Your boss appears at your cubical and says, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” What is your first reaction? If you are like most people, you might think, “Oh, oh, now what’s wrong?” Now, my boss has only, and gently, raked me over the coals 3 times in 2 years. So I should not have this automatic reaction, but I do. So do my own direct report employees – as they have told me.

So we work on this together. I tell them what I want to meet them about when I ask them if we can talk privately for a few minutes. If it is a team issue, we hold a ‘camp fire’ in the middle of our cubicals for no longer than 10 minutes. Thus we reduce the time it takes to get over our first reactions.

Thank you for your valuable information. I’ll be passing it along to my followers!

By: Guy Harris

Guy Harris — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 05:07:39 +0000

Hi Imelda,

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. It’s always good to know that people get something from this blog.

I hope to ‘see’ you again sometime.

By: imelda

imelda — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 05:00:34 +0000

Great suggestion about coming up with “alternative stories” when we are having a fight or flight reaction.

If we did what you suggest more often we would become aware of how much second-guessing we engage in all the time.

Thanks for the sharing your insights

By: Guy Harris

Guy Harris — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 21:36:04 +0000

Hi Dorothy,

I do think that men and women tend to have different natural approaches to conflict resolution, and I think there is value in both approaches when used in the right circumstances.

I also think that both men and women can learn better, more effective conflict resolution skills.

Other than that, I’m not certain where to go with my reply. If you could give me some more context that would help.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

Guy

By: Dorothy

Dorothy — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 14:44:13 +0000

What’s your opinion on the difference in the conflict resolution styles between a male or a female leader of a board that consists for 80% of men.
Do you agree that the gender issue makes a difference?