Communication Skills | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for Communication Skills

Feb
2

Four Ways to Improve Your Communication

by Guy Harris

If you want to become more effective as a leader, more successful in meetings, or more confident while resolving conflicts, become a better communicator.

On the high end of the communication skill spectrum, you find that great leaders — like Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King, Jr — are often great communicators. On the low-end, research indicates that poor communication skills can contribute to family disputes escalating to domestic violence. (Check the discussion section of this article.)

Evidence from research, experience, and anecdotal observation points to higher levels of success and satisfaction and lower levels of stress and frustration as your communication skills improve.

With that backdrop, here are four ways you can improve almost all of your communications (presented roughly in the order I suggest you follow):

1. Learn how other people might hear, see, or interpret your messages

One concept that often surfaces in my communication workshops, is that communication comes from the Latin word that also gives us the English word common. This observation implies that communication makes ideas, thoughts, and concepts commonly understood — even if not agreed upon — between two or more people.

In order to make ideas common, it becomes important to understand both sides of the communication. You need to understand both how your idea sounds to the other person and what the other person means with the words they use. What you say might mean something other than what you intend to the other person. What the other person says might mean, to them, something other than what you hear.

Long-time readers of my blog know that I use and recommend the DISC model as one tool for accomplishing this step. There are factors to consider other than communication style (e.g. – culture, gender, age, etc.). Still, it’s a great place to start.

The goal of this “step” is to get a clear picture of how the differences between you and the other person might affect your communication efforts.

2. ”Observe” your perspective

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I have not yet mastered this concept. It’s really hard to do, and I’m not sure that any of us will ever truly perfect it. It’s a good goal nonetheless.

Here’s the idea, learn to step back from your first interpretation of a statement or behavior and look for how your perspective, or filter, might be affecting your response. There’s more to this one step than I can effectively cover in this post, but David Rock shares exercises you can do to build your skill in this area in Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long.

As you develop this skill, the next two steps become easier to do.

3. Listen actively

If the goal is to make an idea common, you must work to understand the other person’s thinking before you can truly communicate. Active listening involves much more than just hearing the words. It involves total focus on what the other person is attempting to communicate. For more thoughts, you can check this post on listening skills.

4. Get and give feedback during the communication process

It’s easy to say something and assume that the other person heard what you meant. It’s also easy to hear something and to assume that you understood what the other person meant. Until you confirm mutual understanding, you will be operating on assumptions and interpretations rather than on facts.

Well phrased questions (combined with some active listening) form the basis for effective feedback, and a mis-communication could happen in either direction. A few weeks ago, I wrote a post with some ideas for confirming that the other person understands your words the way you intended them. To confirm that you understood the other person they way that they want to be understood, you can use the questions listed here.

Frankly, communication can be difficult. We do it virtually every day, and we often do not communicate as clearly as we think or intend. One of my favorite quotes on communication (I think I have quoted it before on this blog) is by George Bernard Shaw: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

I find that I have to frequently remind myself of key communication concepts in order to apply them with any consistency. For the next week, I encourage you to consciously focus on these four ways to improve your communication and watch the positive difference they will make in your communication effectiveness and the reduction they will make in your stress and frustration levels when you interact with others.

(I recently wrote a special report that amplifies these ideas a bit and presents a five step model for better communication. You can get a copy here.)

0 Categories : Communication Skills, Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Resolving Conflict

Jan
24

Five Secrets for More Persuasive Writing

by Guy Harris

Have you ever read a dry, boring email, blog post, letter, or proposal? If you have, you know how dreadfully non-persuasive they can be. You also know how easy it is to miss the message the author attempted to convey.

If you want to have your message read and acted upon, here are five tips – secrets – for more persuasive writing…

1. Write from your reader’s perspective

Before you start, consider the viewpoint that your readers will likely use as they interpret what you have written. In another post, I wrote about this consideration based on their DISC style, and it is only one of the factors to consider.

Some of the other factors you could consider are:

Your relationship with them
Their position in the organization
Pressures they might be facing
Anything in their role or relationships that might limit their ability to act on what you propose
Their past experiences

The list above is not a complete or exhaustive list. It does highlight some of the main items to factor into how you deliver your message and what might affect your persuasive power.

2. Write the way that people read

Consider these two ideas:

Most business and personal communications are intended to quickly communicate an idea.
Many people do not like to read long paragraphs and sentences (especially on computer screens).

Unless you are writing a novel or an academic research paper, use short sentences, short paragraphs, and lots of white space.

3. Anticipate and address your reader’s greatest objections

If the purpose of your communication is persuasion, your reader will likely object to something in it. When you write, attempt to anticipate these objections and include information to address them.

4. Use comparisons

For a number of reasons, new ideas tend to bounce off the human brain the way tennis balls bounce off a concrete wall. Comparisons act like glue to link new ideas or difficult concepts to simpler or already accepted ones so that they stick.

A comparison of any kind – metaphor, simile, or analogy – can help your reader to both understand and remember your message so that they take action on it.

5. Tell stories

People tend to experience life as a chronological story and to think about new ideas based on how the new idea fits into the story in their mind. Presenting an idea in a story makes the idea easier to receive. Like comparisons, stories help ideas stick in the mind of your reader.

When my children were young, my wife and I read stories to them. We chose some of the stories for the express intent of teaching them a new idea. For example, we used Green Eggs and Ham to teach the concept of trying new foods before rejecting them. Thinking of the character Sam while we were at the dinner table helped them to visualize what we wanted them to do – try the food before saying “I don’t like it.”

If you can find a way to present your idea with a story, do it. Your writing will be more persuasive.

The danger of writing about how to write better is that, well, it’s in writing. As a result, I run the risk of violating the very secrets that I propose. From your perspective, I may have done just that. If I did, I would welcome constructive comments to help me – and my readers – improve.

If you would like other suggestions, here’s a post over at Copyblogger that also tackles the idea of more persuasive writing.

0 Categories : Communication Skills, Persuasion, Writing

Nov
21

Three Things to Consider Before You Start Writing

by Guy Harris

Ignore these critical considerations when you write, and you could invite a communication disaster.

Written messages just might be the most dangerous form of communication. There are so many ways that they can go wrong and lead to miscommunication. If you have ever written a message that someone else misunderstood, then you know what I mean.

While, the general rules of effective communication apply equally to both spoken and written forms, there are some special factors to remember when you communicate in writing.

I covered some general, big-picture communication ideas a few weeks ago when I wrote about Three Critical Factors to Consider Before You Choose a Communication Technique. Today, I’m expanding the ideas in that post to add these special considerations for you to remember when you write.

When you write a message of any kind, keep in mind…

The idea of greatest interest to the reader

Most people skim written messages more than they read them – especially when people “read” on a computer screen. If you want to grab the reader’s attention so that they get your main idea, make it easy to see.

Make the main idea stand out in some way.

Use bullet points
Put the main point as early as possible in the text
Use formatting that makes the main point(s) easy to find

If people have to work too hard to find something that pertains to them in your message, they will likely miss it altogether.

How it will likely “sound” to the reader

In written form, people only have the voice in their own head to interpret the words you write. The reader chooses the tone that your words carry, and, in my experience, people sitting alone with your words tend to read them more negatively and more aggressively than you intended them. As a result, communicating sensitive issues in writing will likely take more time and more words than communicating the same message in spoken form.

Since you will not be present when they read what you wrote so that you can adjust your delivery or clarify your message, it is doubly important to consider the reader’s DISC style (if you know it) when you communicate in writing. If you are task-oriented, remember to work on “softening” your words for people-oriented readers. If you are people-oriented, remember to get to the point faster for task-oriented readers.

Where (and in what medium) the reader will read it

If you write messages of any kind – letters, emails, texts, or social media updates – remember that the person reading your words will likely not read your words in the same environment where you wrote them. You might be dashing through an airport quickly responding on your phone while your colleague reads the message quietly in his office. Or, you could compose it in your office while he reads the message on his phone dashing through an airport.

Always consider the reader’s environment in your message. Will they read it on paper or on a computer screen, on a wide-screen monitor or on a smart phone? Every context is different. Every context creates a different communication challenge for your reader.

Here’s a bonus thought – pay attention to punctuation.

I don’t suggest that you have to know all punctuation rules and apply them perfectly. I do suggest that you should at least give it some consideration. I see many emails and text messages that look to me like the writer made no effort to follow good punctuation rules. Punctuation helps the reader know where to pause and how to better interpret your intent. Do your readers a favor with good punctuation. (If you find punctuation errors in this post, sorry. I’m not perfect in this area. I do think about it and try to catch my mistakes before publishing.)

If you have thoughts or ideas to expand these ideas, I’d love to see them. Please let me know your insights for better written communication in the comments section below.

1 Categories : Communication Skills

Nov
17

Six Questions to Make Sure You Have Communicated Effectively

by Guy Harris

The communication process really should be easy. You say something to another person. They hear it. They act in a way that is consistent with what you said. End of discussion.

And, it’s not quite that easy.

In reality, the process for spoken communication goes like this:

You get a picture in your mind of what you want to communicate.
You convert that picture into words, tone, and body language that describes the picture as you see it.
The other person hears the words and notices your tone and body language.
The other person converts the words, tone, and body language into a picture in their mind.
The other person reacts to the picture as they see it.

The reason the real process doesn’t always go as smoothly as the ideal process lies in two key phrases: “as you see it” and “as they see it.”

The challenge in communication is that we often use words, tone and body language that mean one thing to us and something very different to another person. The difference might only be small, and still it is different. As the differences get bigger they can cause major miscommunications that result in wasted time, effort, and energy. In high-stakes or emotion-charged situations, even small differences can drive the conversation in a negative direction.

One way to bridge the differences between how you interpret a message and how another person interprets the same message is to include a feedback loop – you might say an understanding check – into your communications strategies.

As I wrote before, I am not a big fan of silver-bullet, one-size-fits-all communication techniques. I think you need to consider the whole situation before you apply any specific technique or tactic.

At the same time, I think there are some phrases and approaches you can add to your repertoire in preparation for high-stakes or emotionally-charged situations so that you can respond better when you are under pressure.

The communication feedback loop is one approach that I recommend in my private coaching sessions and in the communication workshops that I lead. In my last post, I wrote about the feedback loop in terms of how to apply it to make sure that you understand others more clearly. Today, I’m offering the other side of the communication feedback loop – checking the other person’s understanding of what you said.

In many respects, this side of the feedback loop is a bit more delicate than repeating back what you heard. In this case, you are going to ask the other person to tell you what message they received from your communication effort. Done poorly, asking the other person what they heard can come across as condescending or aggressive. So, you have to work extra hard to add more words, to soften your tone, and to choose non-threatening body language to make this work.

Here are six questions you can use to make sure you have communicated effectively:

“Would you please say what you heard me say, so I can be sure that I was clear?”
“So that I can make sure I communicated clearly, would you please tell me what you heard me say?”
“I just want to make sure that I am clear. Would you please tell me what you understood me to say?”
“I’d like to make sure I said that clearly. Please tell me what you heard?”
“I’m not sure that I am conveying my idea the best way. What have you heard me say?”
“I may have said that in a way that does not really communicate what I’m trying to say. If I did, I’d like a chance to rephrase it. What message did you hear?”

As I suggested in my post about the Five Questions to Make Sure that You Understand Others Correctly, I offer this list as a starting point for you to develop your own. As you develop your list, remember the underlying idea – if there was a miscommunication of any kind, you take the responsibility.

I’d love to see ideas you have for other ways to check understanding. Please add them in the comments section.

1 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips, Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Resolving Conflict

Nov
14

Five Questions to Make Sure that You Understand Others Correctly

by Guy Harris

Have you ever taken an action – either immediately or at some later time – based on what you heard someone say only to find out after you acted (or spoke) that you did not accurately understand their statement or request?

So far, everyone I have asked this question in a face-to-face conversation answers pretty much the same way. In effect, they all say: “Yes, of course I have.” And, the truth is, so have I.

As the Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw, said:

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

The illusion that you accurately understand another person’s intended message based solely on your interpretation of his words, tone and body language is a trap that can hinder your desire to become a truly remarkable communicator. You certainly have an interpretation of what he intended to say, and you never really know if you understand correctly until you confirm it with him. Confirming mutual understanding is the feedback loop often missing in situations that lead to misunderstanding and frustration.

When you develop the ability to check your own understanding of the messages you interpret from what another person says by consciously inserting a feedback loop, you improve the odds of effectively communicating with her. Well phrased confirmation questions can help you do this gracefully and with ease to improve the odds that you get positive replies rather than snarky comebacks.

Here are five ways you can phrase a confirmation question:

“Let me say back to you what I think you just said, so that I can be sure I understood you correctly…”
“Please correct me if I am wrong. I understood you to say ________. Is that correct?”
“If I hear you correctly, you are saying _____________. Is that right?”
“I hear you saying ____________. Is that right?”
“It sounds to me like you feel/think ____________. Did I understand you correctly?”

If you look closely at each question, you will see a common thought: if a miscommunication happened, it’s my problem and not the other person’s.

You can probably find other ways to express the same idea, and I encourage you to do so. You do not want to say the same thing over and over again in the same conversation to the point that you sound like an inauthentic automaton.

This list is a good place to start your own list of confirmation questions. I suggest that you think of others to add to your communication toolkit so that you can have many of them to pull on when you find yourself in the middle of a high-stakes conversation.

If you have other ways of confirming that you understood correctly, please add them in the comments section below.

1 Categories : Communication Skills, Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Resolving Conflict