Conversations | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for conversations – Page 2

Sep
21

Three Words to Guarantee Conflict Escalation

by Guy Harris

I tend to notice how people respond to certain words. I guess that’s something of an “occupational hazard” for me.

As I watch how people respond, I look for patterns. And I see a strong pattern developing around three words (and some variations) that almost certainly guarantee that a conflict will start or escalate if you use them carelessly.

So that you can beware of them slipping into your communications (especially in conflict situations), I’ll share the three common conflict escalation words:

While I’m not suggesting that you never use the word no, I am suggesting that you be sensitive to how and when you use it. I have noticed that some people tend to start many statements with this word. And, I have carefully observed the body language of people who receive the “no” statement. It is almost universally negative.

But

I have written on the dangers of this word previously. Today, I’ll share three other words that have essentially the same impact: however, except, and yet. My friend and colleague, JJ Brun, says that these words are “polite buts,” and I agree with him.

Always

My real point here is to beware of using words with an absolute or final connotation. Another word that fits in this category is never.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict or confrontation situation, beware of these words and their common variations. Remember to use them intentionally — to make a specific point — rather than out of habit because they are the first words that come to mind.

0 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips, Resolving Conflict

Mar
10

The ABC’s of Life: Be Kind

by Guy Harris

What a simple concept, and it is so often violated.

It does not seem that being kind should be difficult. Yet, I see examples of unkindness all around me.

Parents yelling at their kids.
Kids ignoring their parents.
Bosses interrupting employees.
Employees gossiping about their boss.
People cutting each other off in traffic.
Customers getting impatient with store employees.
Store employees failing to listen to customers.
And the list goes on.

It’s really not so hard to be kind. What is hard is remembering to do it when you are stressed, tired, rushed, or frustrated.

Today, my encouragement for you is to be kind.

Let someone go first at an intersection. Stop and listen to your employee, co-worker, spouse, or child. Let the person who is rude to you finish what they have to say. Take your neighbor’s garbage can to their garage. Hold the door for someone.

Do something today to be kind to another person.

I think it will make their day — and yours.

This article is from the ABC's of Life series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

0 Categories : ABC's of Life, Reflections

Aug
3

Rules Without Relationship Breeds Rebellion

by Guy Harris

Rules, expectations, and guidelines tell us the limits of our behavior. They help us know what is and is not acceptable in the eyes of the people close to us and within larger groups of people.

And, as the title of this post says, rules without relationship breeds rebellion.

I cannot take credit for this statement. I heard it from a Bud to Boss workshop participant in Indianapolis this past June. And still, I like the clarity and simplicity of what the statement says.

Some people will read this post and respond that relationship and rules have nothing to do with each other. That people should just follow the rules regardless of the relationship they have with the person enforcing them.

I would reply: take a look at the title of this blog and remember that I am a recovering engineer. I am hard-wired to view rules as the things you live by regardless of the circumstances. Actually, I love rules. They give me comfort and security.

And, my observations and experience tell me that rules without relationship create more problems than they solve.

In the context of this blog, I am not addressing the rules, regulations, and laws of our larger society. I’m pointing towards closer personal and professional relationships. I’m thinking in terms of families, business, churches, and civic organizations. I’m talking about situations where you know, live, and work closely with the other person.

For example, in my role as a parent, I have certain rules and expectations of my two daughters. I expect them to follow those rules for the good of the family. And, if I lean only on the rules and ignore building a relationship with them, I will get rebellion rather than willing compliance.

Just as some people who lean heavily on the rules might read the title and challenge it, other people could agree to the point that they say rules don’t really matter at all. They might say that only relationship matters as a leader. Well, I wouldn’t go that far either.

Like so many other issues that surface in the discussion of how to lead a team (business, sports, family, church, etc), the rule-relationship issue is a both-and scenario rather than an either-or scenario. By that I mean that you need both rules and relationship to make it work. (For more on the either-or extremes, check this post on the task-people perspective difference.)

Rules set the context and the expectations of behavior. Relationship paves the way for communication about those expectations.

You can and should set and enforce rules. And, you should develop a relationship before you attempt to enforce them.

Photo by Lori Greig.

2 Categories : Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Parenting

Jul
21

Intentions – A Poem That Came to Me While Cleaning

by Guy Harris

I don’t know why this came to mind, but it did.

I was helping my wife clean our living room, and I was, as I often am, thinking about what I could write here. I was not thinking about my wife, my kids, or my professional colleagues.

I was just thinking. (Remember, I am a recovering engineer. I am almost always “thinking.”)

I started thinking about how we often misinterpret other people’s meaning, and this little rhyme popped (almost) fully formed into my mind.

So, I share it here with you today:

I’ll never know your real intent,
Until I ask you what you meant.
And, if you choose, in your reply,
To then, tell me the reason why.

3 Categories : Communication Skills, Resolving Conflict

Jun
21

Being Too Nice Can Hurt You

by Guy Harris

A few weeks ago, I read an interesting article titled On the Job, Nice Guys May Finish Last. The title immediately caught my attention, and I had to take a look.

In reading the article, I saw an immediate connection to my work and for other people interested in using the DISC model in their professional and personal lives.

The point made in this article is particularly significant for people with supportive tendencies (people who are people-oriented and reserved).

People with strong supportive traits are great at building relationships, easing tensions, helping others, and holding a team together. And, as Dr. Christine Riordan says in the article I mentioned above:

People with this natural personality trait may be less likely to face confrontation or other difficulties at work.

I’m not suggesting that having the supportive trait is a problem (it happens to be a strong secondary trait for me). I am suggesting that people with this trait commit themselves to learning the skills of assertive communication.

People with supportive traits often use passive communication strategies in an effort to ease tensions and reduce conflicts. While these strategies are sometimes useful and necessary, I recommend learning to use them intentionally when appropriate rather than as a default because they are more comfortable.

Consistently passive communication and conflict avoidance can create situations where conflicts go unresolved and continue to simmer under the surface until they explode and destroy a team or family. In addition, passive communication can make people, like the lamb pictured above, susceptible to “predators” in the workplace. Both scenarios can have major negative impacts on your career.

Learning to apply assertive communication techniques can improve the odds of successfully confronting and resolving conflict situations at work by stopping the spread of destructive conflict and confrontation.

Photo by paraflyer.