Rules, expectations, and guidelines tell us the limits of our behavior. They help us know what is and is not acceptable in the eyes of the people close to us and within larger groups of people.

And, as the title of this post says, rules without relationship breeds rebellion.

I cannot take credit for this statement. I heard it from a Bud to Boss workshop participant in Indianapolis this past June. And still, I like the clarity and simplicity of what the statement says.

Some people will read this post and respond that relationship and rules have nothing to do with each other. That people should just follow the rules regardless of the relationship they have with the person enforcing them.

I would reply: take a look at the title of this blog and remember that I am a recovering engineer. I am hard-wired to view rules as the things you live by regardless of the circumstances. Actually, I love rules. They give me comfort and security.

And, my observations and experience tell me that rules without relationship create more problems than they solve.

In the context of this blog, I am not addressing the rules, regulations, and laws of our larger society. I’m pointing towards closer personal and professional relationships. I’m thinking in terms of families, business, churches, and civic organizations. I’m talking about situations where you know, live, and work closely with the other person.

For example, in my role as a parent, I have certain rules and expectations of my two daughters. I expect them to follow those rules for the good of the family. And, if I lean only on the rules and ignore building a relationship with them, I will get rebellion rather than willing compliance.

Just as some people who lean heavily on the rules might read the title and challenge it, other people could agree to the point that they say rules don’t really matter at all. They might say that only relationship matters as a leader. Well, I wouldn’t go that far either.

Like so many other issues that surface in the discussion of how to lead a team (business, sports, family, church, etc), the rule-relationship issue is a both-and scenario rather than an either-or scenario. By that I mean that you need both rules and relationship to make it work. (For more on the either-or extremes, check this post on the task-people perspective difference.)

Rules set the context and the expectations of behavior. Relationship paves the way for communication about those expectations.

You can and should set and enforce rules. And, you should develop a relationship before you attempt to enforce them.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
3. Task-Oriented vs People-Oriented: A Common Source of Conflict

I was helping my wife clean our living room, and I was, as I often am, thinking about what I could write here. I was not thinking about my wife, my kids, or my professional colleagues.

I was just thinking. (Remember, I am a recovering engineer. I am almost always “thinking.”)

I started thinking about how we often misinterpret other people’s meaning, and this little rhyme popped (almost) fully formed into my mind.

So, I share it here with you today:

I’ll never know your real intent,
Until I ask you what you meant.
And, if you choose, in your reply,
To then, tell me the reason why.

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. Resolving Conflict Lesson: Watch Your Step
3. Rules Without Relationship Breeds Rebellion

One of the most common questions about using the DISC model is this: “How do I know another person’s personality style?”

Well, the short answer is: you can’t know another person’s style without assessment results.

You can, however, make an educated guess about their primary style (or at least how they are interacting in the current situation) by observing their words and behaviors and answering two simple questions (phrased in the language of the DISC model):

1. Are they more outgoing or more reserved? and
2. Are they more task-oriented or more people oriented?

Or, stated another way:

1. Do they speak more quickly, loudly and emphatically or more slowly, softly and monotone?, and
2. Do they speak in more factual, “thinking” language or in a more relational, “feeling” language?

Answer those two questions and you’ve got your starting point for connecting better with them.

If they are:

• Outgoing and Task oriented, use Dominant language.
• Outgoing and People-oriented, use Inspiring language.
• Reserved and People-oriented, use Supportive language.
• Reserved and Task-oriented, use Cautious language.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
2. Get Over Yourself To Develop Effective Communication Skills
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People

A Question to Ask of Yourself:
How do I better control myself?

I often hear people ask questions about the DISC model that indicate a desire to use the model to somehow change others.

Rather than using the model to label, categorize, or stereotype people, I suggest a different approach: use the DISC model to find ways to connect with other people in better, more effective ways.

Towards that end, one question that I suggest you ask yourself is this:

How can I use the DISC model to better understand other people and change my behaviors so that I communicate more clearly?

My message is pretty simple: get over yourself.

Learn to adjust and modify your words and actions so that they are heard and understood more quickly and more clearly by other people.

This is what I strive to do every day. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The more I work at it though, the better I get. And you can do it, too.

Do this, and you will significantly improve your effectiveness as a leader, team member, or parent.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?
3. DISC FAQ’s: Can I Change My Personality Style On Purpose?

I have noticed one behavior many of us use that almost guarantees that our suggestions, solutions, and opinions will be ignored when we offer them:

We tell people what to do before we have heard their whole story.

When we offer people suggestions, solutions, and opinions before we have heard them out, they often do not care what we have to say. So, they rarely listen to and fully comprehend what we are suggesting.

The suggestion might be useful. It might be right on target. It might be exactly what the other person needs to hear.

And, they probably won’t hear it.

If you speak too soon, you’re just trying to push fluid into an already full container.

Offering suggestions before people have told their whole story is like having a doctor prescribe medication or treatment before listening to all of the symptoms.

I once had numbness and tingling in my foot. I went to my doctor, and he asked a whole battery of questions before prescribing a treatment plan. He asked about my physical activity, other pains or sensations I had in other parts of my body, how my leg felt, etc.

In the end, we identified the source of the numbness in my foot to be a problem in my lower back. It could have been any number of other problems. If he had jumped on the numbness in my foot without digging further into my other symptoms, he could have prescribed a wonderful treatment for a problem that had nothing to do with my problem.

In this case, he chose to diagnose the problem before he prescribed a solution.

When we work with other people, we need to keep this idea in mind.

We may have valuable experience to offer. We may have seen this problem before. We might even have a great, simple solution to offer.

And it just doesn’t matter if we offer the suggestion, solution, or opinion in a way that virtually guarantees that the other person ignores or discounts our input.

As you work with others and attempt to share your experience, remember the lesson from my doctor:

Ask, listen, and diagnose before you prescribe.

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. Rules Without Relationship Breeds Rebellion
3. How To Get People To Do What You Want

Guy Answers the Question:
Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

As I teach, train, and coach using the DISC model, people hear me say that I encourage them to change their behaviors to fit the situation and to better connect with other people.

Sometimes, people ask me if consciously changing behavior is phoney or fake. This concern raises another common question about the DISC model, and how I recommend people use it to connect and communicate more effectively.

In answering this question, I often refer to a Thomas Jefferson quote:

In matters of style, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock.

As I see it, choosing a behavior, word, or tone that will improve your communication effectiveness is not a moral or ethical issue. It is just a matter of style.

We often change our behaviors for different environments. For example, most people recognize that appropriate behavior during a wedding ceremony is likely to be different from appropriate behavior at the celebration party after the ceremony. Different environments call for different behaviors.

As long as your intent is not to defraud, manipulate, or somehow deceive the other person, behaving in a way that might be uncomfortable or unnatural for you in the interest of connecting with them is not fake or phoney. Rather, I see it as working to create a better environment for the other person.

Related posts:

1. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?
3. DISC FAQ’s: Can I Change My Personality Style On Purpose?

This is a simple, straightforward communication technique that you can use immediately to improve your ability to connect and communicate with others:

Use “and” more than “but”.

Imagine that you and I are in a conversation and that you have just shared your opinion with me.

Compare these two responses that I might make:

1. “You know, that’s a good point, but …”
2. “You know, that’s a good point, and …”

With the first reply, it almost doesn’t matter what I say. I have probably triggered a natural defensive mechanism. Even if what I say is positive, you probably have a bit of a defensive posture in receiving what I am about to say.

The second reply creates a more positive lead-in to the second part of the statement. Even if I offer a slightly different interpretation of the facts, I have avoided triggering defensiveness  early in the process so that you might receive what I have to say with an open attitude.

As I think about the times I am tempted to say “but” rather than “and”, I see that the vast majority of the time my real message is an “and” message rather than a “but” message.

One little word substitution can yield huge benefits in communication effectiveness.

So, remember to use “and” more than “but”.

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. Get Over Yourself To Develop Effective Communication Skills
3. Effective Communication Skills: How to Quickly Guess a Person’s DISC Style

When you find yourself communicating with a person who is reserved and people-oriented (primary Supportive behavioral style), remember these key communication tips:

• Slow down — they usually want you to give them time to process what you’re saying before they respond.
• Show that you care about them — if you come across as focused only on the task at hand, you run the risk of offending them.
• Use stories and experiences more than facts and figures — like people who have a strong Inspiring trait, they tend to relate to the communication of emotion over the communication of facts.
• Use gentle hand gestures and voice tones — they might perceive abrupt motions and/or loud voice tones as angry, and they generally do not respond well to anger or direct confrontation.
• Ask more indirect questions than direct questions — if you come across as very bottom-line, you might appear aggressive from their perspective.

Remember these suggestions the next time you interact with people who are slower-paced and people-oriented, and you will improve the odds that they listen to, understand, and take action on your message.

Check this post, for more insights on how to guess at a person’s DISC style.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, Task-Oriented People
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, Task-Oriented People

This series of articles contains specific tips, insights, and techniques for connecting with people better.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People
3. DISC Model Frequently Asked Questions

Guy Answers the Question:
Can Four Styles Really Describe Everyone?

One question that frequently comes up when I teach the DISC model is this:

“Can you really describe everyone with just four styles?”

The short answer is: yes, you can describe all the behaviors and perspectives of all people using information revealed by understanding the four DISC style descriptors.*

Sometimes people take exception to this simple answer. When they do, I usually get challenged with something like:

“There are 6 billion people on the planet, you can’t possibly define all of them with four letters/categories.”

To which, I reply: “You’re right. I can’t define all people with four letters or categories. I can, though, use four basic style descriptors to create a frame of reference that allows me to understand them better when we interact.”

Here are some observations to support this position.

We Regularly Use Only Two Categories to Describe All People

There are two broad categories that we use every day to describe all people on the planet: male and female.

The studies of male vs. female perspectives I have read indicate that men tend to share perspectives on certain issues, women tend to share perspectives on these same issues, and men tend to have different perspectives from women on the issues in question.

The results in the studies point to general perspective similarities only on the issues evaluated in the study. It would be a wrong application of the study results to say that all men or all women think, feel, or behave a certain way in all situations. It is okay to say that the studies reveal tendencies and similarities in the perspectives evaluated in the studies.

I am not a woman. When I read the study results about the perspectives many women have on certain issues, I frankly don’t get it. I understand it intellectually. I just don’t relate to the perspective.

When I interact with my wife, I can use my understanding of the study results to better understand the true intent of her words and actions. I can attempt to view her behavior through her lens rather than through mine. I don’t want to stereotype her with the results. I just want to use the study results to get an emotional hook that allows me to “get” what she is saying in a different way than I would “get” it if I had no way to reframe what I was hearing and seeing.

We Use Only 26 Letters to Define the English Language

I don’t know the exact number of words used in the English language. I have heard that it is greater than 1 million words. And still, all of them are fully defined with only 26 letters.

What Does All This Have to do With the Question We Began With?

I don’t want to categorize, label, or box-in anyone. I don’t want to tell people what job they are or are not qualified to pursue because of their behavior style. I don’t want to psychoanalyze them. I just want to understand them so that I can connect and communicate better.

The four DISC behavioral styles simply reveal tendencies and patterns in behaviors and perceptions. They do not neatly define another person.They do provide guidance and insight to understanding other perspectives that happen to be different from mine.

I see the DISC model as a sort of alphabet that helps me to understand people more fully than I would if I was stuck with only my viewpoint as a filter for understanding them.

When you really understand the model and it’s application, you learn that there are far more than four “categories” to use for that understanding. (I don’t really like the word category in this context. It’s just the simplest word I can find at the moment.)

When you consider the different simple combinations of the four DISC descriptors, you quickly arrive at 41 generalized style “types.”

For example, I have a strong blend of Cautious, Dominant, and Supportive traits. None of the three fully describes my viewpoint. The combination of the three traits gets pretty close. Likewise, my wife has a strong blend of Dominant, Inspiring, and Cautious traits. When I look at that combination of traits, it gets pretty close to describing how she usually responds to situations.

To take it one step deeper, you could consider the various levels of intensities of the four styles that any given person might exhibit. When you do that, you get 19,680 different Basic DISC style graphs. I don’t intend to go deeply into these subtleties here.

And, I haven’t even begun to comment on what you learn from the Environmental DISC style graphs or by understanding “low styles” like the “I” trait shown in my DISC profile graph to the right.

All of this simply makes the point that the simple little DISC model of human behavior has much more depth than most people see when they first encounter it.

When people use the model to define another person or to limit their potential, they use the model as a weapon. They are stereotyping and labeling. Both of which, I think, are wrong. These are really good strategies if you want to irritate someone with the DISC model.

When people use the model to create an understanding of another person’s perspective, they use the model as a tool. They are connecting and communicating more effectively. Both of which, I think, are good.

To me, the beauty of the model lies in its simplicity. Its simplicity helps me to remember it when the pressure hits. It helps me to quickly explain it to others when the time is right.

The depth of the model gives me confidence that I can, with study and practice, learn to use it to strengthen and deepen all of my relationships.

*When I say “all people,” I am referring to all people who fall into what you could call “normal human psychology.” Which means, people with no clinical psychological disorder. This would be something like 90-95% of the people on the planet. Not truly everyone, but most people I encounter on a daily basis.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
3. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself