Emotional Control | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for emotional control

Mar
31

Using the DISC Model: Four Steps to Success with Others

by Guy Harris

The video pretty much says it all for this post. It quickly gives you four steps for applying the DISC model for success with others.

In a nutshell, the four steps are…

Understand the DISC model
Understand your style (where you fit in the model).
Understand the other person’s style (where they fit in the model).
Adjust your words, behaviors, and tone to best fit how they receive information.

The video is about 7 minutes long.

If you would like insights for how to apply these four steps better, you can check out my Connecting With People and DISC Model FAQ’s post series. For even deeper insights, check out my products. If you really want to master these four steps, take a look at The Ultimate Communicator Workshop.

2 Categories : Communication Skills, DISC Model, Video

Feb
28

People are a Package Deal

by Guy Harris

Nearly everyone irritates me to some extent. Even the people close to me — my wife, my kids, my friends, and my professional colleagues — irritate me from time to time.

All of them have body gestures, word choices, and tones that get under my skin because I see them as rude, impatient, inconsiderate or pushy. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, frustrates me some of the time.

And I’m okay with that.

The reality is that I probably frustrate, irritate, and aggravate them to some extent as well. As I think about it, probably is the wrong word. Let me rephrase that last sentence.

I definitely frustrate, irritate, and aggravate the people close to me.

I can say that I irritate them with a certainty because I am a human being, and people are a package deal.

A few months ago, I was speaking with my friend and colleague JJ Brun, and he said that he had come to the conclusion that when he was in any kind of relationship with a person, he had to accept the frustrating and challenging parts of their behaviors if he was going to enjoy the positive parts.

JJ said he realized that the good and the bad in a person are inseparable because people are a package deal. The phrase is pure JJ. And it’s brilliant.

I’m okay with the fact that people close to me sometimes irritate me because I choose to focus on the good things that they bring to the relationship rather than on their annoying behaviors. I realize that they are a package deal — just like me. I want them to accept me with all of my frustrating, irritating and aggravating habits. So, I have to accept them as well.

The next time you find yourself focusing on a negative attribute that another person brings to your relationship with them, shift your focus and look instead at the good they bring.

Remember, people are a package deal.

0 Categories : Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Parenting

Nov
4

Three Power Phrases to Disarm a Verbal Aggressor

by Guy Harris

When you feel that you have been verbally attacked, it is incredibly difficult to think of the right words to calm the situation and disarm a verbal aggressor. Developing power phrases for use in various situations can help you get past this mental roadblock so that you can respond calmly and quickly in a wide range of situations.

In working with workshop participants and coaching clients to find good ways to address specific, emotionally charged situations, I have learned three power phrases you can use in a wide range of situations to disarm a verbal aggressor and turn the direction of an escalating conversation.

Here they are…

If I were you, I would feel exactly the same way.

Let’s say someone expresses a strong emotion and it looks like that emotion could be a barrier to effectively communicating with them. Acknowledging their emotion is a powerful tool to show that you understand their perspective even if you do not necessarily agree with it.

Part of the power in this statement is that it is absolutely true in all cases. If you were the other person, you would feel exactly like they feel because you would have their life experience, education, culture, gender, etc.

You may be right.

When someone comes at you with strong words of criticism or condemnation, you can often disarm the attack by acknowledging that they may be correct in their judgement. You do not necessarily have to agree with their assessment to say that they may be right.

If necessary, you can add to this statement to also offer your counter perspective by bridging from your acknowledgement of their position to your position with the word and. It would look like this: “You may be right, and…” (Important note: beware of the tendency to use but in place of and in your statement.)

Of course I am.

This statement is a new addition to my verbal toolkit by way of my colleague John Little. In a recent Ultimate Communicator workshop, we were discussing how to respond to strong personal attacks. For example when someone says: you’re an idiot, you’re totally wrong, etc. In our discussion, John suggested the phrase: “Of course I am.”

I love it! This approach totally removes the push back you offer the other person when they verbally attack you, and it gives you room to turn the tide of the aggressive conversation.

As is true with most communication techniques, the specific words you use will depend a great deal on several factors. For example, some of the considerations are:

The relationship between the two parties
The political or social environment surrounding the communication, and
The physical setting of the parties during the communication.

So, while I do not believe that these phrases are completely universal, they can be great additions to your communication repertoire that help you better respond to verbal aggression in a positive way that leads to resolution rather than escalation.

Do you have some phrases that help to turn a heated conversation in a positive direction? If you do, please share them in the comments section below.

6 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips

Oct
18

How to Decide if a Conflict is Worth the Effort to Resolve

by Guy Harris

One of the common questions I get as I lead workshops and work with my coaching clients is:

How do I decide if a conflict is worth the effort to resolve?

I think this is a great question. Honestly, resolving a conflict can take lots of emotional energy. While I think it is generally a good idea to work with other people to productively resolve conflicts, I recognize that you do not need to invest this energy to resolve every conflict you might experience. Here are a few times when you might decide to avoid the conflict rather than work to resolve it.

When you do not care about the long-term health of your relationship with the other person.
When you have little concern about the outcome of the situation.
If you are concerned that the other person will resort to physical violence if you engage in a resolution conversation with them.

I’m still thinking through other situations when it might be reasonable to avoid the conflict rather than resolve it, and I think this represents a pretty good short-list of considerations when you make the decision.

As I said, in general I suggest that conflict resolution is worth the effort even though some situations might lead you in a different direction.

I would love to see your thoughts on this topic in the comments section.

2 Categories : Conflict Resolution Tips, Family Relationships, Resolving Conflict

Jul
15

Applying the DISC Model: Breaking Through A Common Frustration

by Guy Harris

Today, I led a DISC communication skills workshop that ended with a role-play exercise to allow participants the opportunity to practice the skills we had been discussing.

For many of the people in the class, this was their first in-depth exposure to the DISC model and how to use it to more effectively communicate with others. The class was lively, engaged, and energetic with everyone in the room displaying a highly positive approach to learning. And, the role-play exercise brought to the surface a common frustration many people feel as they learn to apply the concepts I teach for becoming a better communicator.

As people attempted to “put on” the style of another person during the role-play, many of them felt awkward. Their role-play partners sensed this awkwardness. As a result, the participants attempts to connect with people with a different natural behavior style actually decreased the connection between them rather than increasing it.

They were frustrated. I was encouraged.

I was encouraged because they were making a genuine effort to connect with other people in a way that would make the recipient of the communication attempt feel most comfortable. Even though the results were not all that great initially, the effort to bridge the difference gap encouraged me.

They saw their efforts as failures. I saw their efforts as natural parts of the learning process.

A model for learning I often use speaks of learning happening in four stages:

Unconscious incompetence
The “I don’t know that I don’t know” stage.
Conscious incompetence
The “I realize that I don’t know something” stage.
Conscious competence
The “I understand how to do this, and I have to think about it to make it work” stage.
Unconscious competence
The “this has become natural to me and I don’t have to think about it any more” stage.

In attempting to apply the learning from the session, they were confronted with both the difficulty and awkwardness of learning to apply a new skill.

When I talked with them about the skills and they asked me questions, my answers seemed rather simple and effortless to them. For me, the answers were simple and effortless. In many situations, I have achieved (after much struggle and many failures) the unconscious competence level of learning for this material.

They are at the uncomfortable level of learning somewhere between conscious incompetence and conscious competence.

To break through this frustration, I encouraged them to keep at it even though the communication approach felt odd. I also encouraged them to seek feedback from other people about how their communication efforts were progressing. For example, I told people with Dominant traits to seek feedback from people with Supportive traits and vice-versa.

If you want to master using the DISC model to become a better communicator, I encourage you to do the same thing. Keep practicing and getting feedback on your efforts. You will eventually break through the awkwardness of trying to put on another person’s communication style to the comfort of authentically communicating by understanding their communication style.