In many cases, the path from conflict to resolution is like traveling down a dirt road in the country.

It’s a little rough. Dirt might get in your eyes so that you don’t see clearly what lies ahead. You have to go more slowly than you do in other situations. Once you are on the road, you have to keep going. It is too narrow to turn around and go back the other way.

At some point, you come to a fork in the road and you have to make a choice.

In the first few moments of a conflict situation, many of us (close to all of us) are prone to say and/or do things that make the conflict worse. When we perceive a threat, we go into “fight or flight” response and adrenaline takes over our brains. We do not act as calmly and rationally as we do at other times. This response often leads to an “I don’t know why I said that” experience.

When you have an “I don’t know why I said that” moment, you are on the dirt road.

You are on the dirt road before you even know what happened. You were in a conversation with someone, and, suddenly, the conversation turned and it got a little rough. You’re not really sure what’s going on.

Eventually, you regain your bearings. You start to realize that you’re now on a dirt road (under the influence of adrenaline). The adrenaline rush makes it hard to see and think clearly, but you are now aware of where you are.

Then, you come to a “fork in the road.” You reach a point in the conversation where you have to make a choice to stay on the road or to take the right fork that leads you back to the main highway of resolution and positive interaction.

The moment of choice might not happen immediately. It might, in some cases, take a day or so to calm down enough to realize that you can choose a different path in this relationship.

Even if it takes awhile, the adrenaline will wear off. When it does, you cannot continue to claim: “I don’t know why I said that.” You are no longer in the automatic and reactive mode.

After the heat of the moment passes, you can exercise your power of choice to act in better and more constructive ways. You can:

• apologize
• forgive
• explore alternative solutions
• listen
• engage in conversation, etc.

Human nature can make us prone to rationalize and justify our bad behaviors by blaming others and claiming that we had no other choice. The truth is that we almost always have a better and more positive option we can choose.

Remember to exercise your power of choice in conflict resolution.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Techniques: Question Your Assumptions
2. Snow Drifts, Driving Lessons, and Conflict Resolution
3. The 7 Deadly Sins of Conflict Resolution

A few weeks ago, I read an interesting article titled On the Job, Nice Guys May Finish Last. The title immediately caught my attention, and I had to take a look.

In reading the article, I saw an immediate connection to my work and for other people interested in using the DISC model in their professional and personal lives.

The point made in this article is particularly significant for people with supportive tendencies (people who are people-oriented and reserved).

People with strong supportive traits are great at building relationships, easing tensions, helping others, and holding a team together. And, as Dr. Christine Riordan says in the article I mentioned above:

People with this natural personality trait may be less likely to face confrontation or other difficulties at work.

I’m not suggesting that having the supportive trait is a problem (it happens to be a strong secondary trait for me). I am suggesting that people with this trait commit themselves to learning the skills of assertive communication.

People with supportive traits often use passive communication strategies in an effort to ease tensions and reduce conflicts. While these strategies are sometimes useful and necessary, I recommend learning to use them intentionally when appropriate rather than as a default because they are more comfortable.

Consistently passive communication and conflict avoidance can create situations where conflicts go unresolved and continue to simmer under the surface until they explode and destroy a team or family. In addition, passive communication can make people, like the lamb pictured above, susceptible to “predators” in the workplace. Both scenarios can have  major negative impacts on your career.

Learning to apply assertive communication techniques can improve the odds of successfully confronting and resolving conflict situations at work by stopping the spread of destructive conflict and confrontation.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

A Question to Ask of Yourself:
How do I better control myself?

I often hear people ask questions about the DISC model that indicate a desire to use the model to somehow change others.

Rather than using the model to label, categorize, or stereotype people, I suggest a different approach: use the DISC model to find ways to connect with other people in better, more effective ways.

Towards that end, one question that I suggest you ask yourself is this:

How can I use the DISC model to better understand other people and change my behaviors so that I communicate more clearly?

My message is pretty simple: get over yourself.

Learn to adjust and modify your words and actions so that they are heard and understood more quickly and more clearly by other people.

This is what I strive to do every day. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The more I work at it though, the better I get. And you can do it, too.

Do this, and you will significantly improve your effectiveness as a leader, team member, or parent.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?
3. DISC FAQ’s: Can I Change My Personality Style On Purpose?

As I read about, study, and work to apply effective conflict resolution techniques, I see one common and overwhelming problem develop in workplaces, families, and social organizations. I see the same problem develop just about everywhere I see people interact.

What is this huge problem?

People make assumptions about other people’s intentions.

Sadly, they often make wrong assumptions about the other person’s intentions.

This behavior is so common and so prevalent, I have written about it on at least two other occasions.

In one post, I told the story of how I started down the path of wrong assumptions in an interaction with my daughter.

In another post, I shared an observation I made about an interchange where one person based their entire interaction with another person on their assumptions about the other person’s intentions without ever asking for clarification.

Recently, I had the opportunity to observe another interchange between two people who got seriously engaged in a heated conversation because one of the parties took offense to what he believed to be the other person’s intentions. For the purposes of this post, let’s say their names are John and Joe.

In a small meeting setting, Joe raised a question about something John had proposed in a previous meeting. I heard Joe question the proposed approach to solving a problem. Apparently, John heard Joe question the necessity of solving the problem.

John’s body went almost immediately rigid as he turned to face and lean toward Joe. His voice tone grew sharp, and his volume went up. In all fairness to John, I don’t really know what he was thinking. I did perceive his tone and body language to become aggressive.

The conversation got progressively more heated as Joe and John spoke.

As they continued, John made direct, negative comments about his view of Joe’s intentions. He used words like:

• “You just said that because you want to…”
• “You didn’t have the courage to speak earlier about…”
• “I knew you would do this to me…”

In rapid succession, John manged to:

• Negatively label Joe’s intentions,
• Attack Joe’s character, and
• Express his view that Joe was doing something “to” him.

It only got worse from there, and it all began with John’s assumption about Joe’s intention.

John immediately assumed that Joe had a negative intention. His response followed the classic conflict escalation cycle almost perfectly. From this negative interpretation, he went to anger (my interpretation of his emotional state), and both parties found themselves locked in a negative conversational spiral.

Had John been willing to question his assumptions about Joe’s intention and then to engage in conversation and dialogue rather than in attack and recrimination, the situation would likely have gone in a totally different direction.

The next time you find your assumptions about another person’s intention leaning towards the negative, stop yourself for just a moment and question your assumptions.

• Did they mean that as an attack or simply as a statement of their opinion?
• Are they attacking my character or are they just trying to understand my approach?
• Did they mean what I think they mean?

I’m sure you get the point. Take just a moment to slow down and question your assumptions before you dive into the conversation.

Related posts:

1. Why Your Natural Response to Conflict is Probably Wrong & What You Can Do About It
2. Exercise Your Power of Choice in Conflict Resolution
3. Conflict Resolution Insights: Why Conflicts Escalate

… And What You Can Do About It

Have you ever told yourself that you wouldn’t do something? Maybe you said you wouldn’t eat too much at a party. Maybe you told yourself that you wouldn’t speak too soon at a meeting. Or maybe you just told yourself that you wouldn’t break the speed limit on the way home from work.

Whatever it was, you told yourself that you wouldn’t do something that you either normally do, wanted to do, or habitually do, and you eventually “gave-in” to the temptation.

Well, there’s a good reason for this behavior, and Dan Heath gives more details about it in this article over at Fast Company. I suggest that you check out the article for more details. For now, here’s the short version: self-control eventually runs out. In other words, you can only resist so long before you “run out” of self-control.

Your limit might be different from mine, and we all have a limit.

So, what does this observation have to do with this blog?

Since one of the recurring themes here is “get over yourself,” the concept of depleting self-control is vitally important to understand.

Whether you are trying to change your behavior, your team member’s behavior, or your child’s behavior, remember that everyone has a self-control limit, and when you exceed the limit you invite failure.

You invite failure to comply with rules, failure to cooperate, and failure to do things in new and different ways.

This is an observable and repeatable psychological phenomenon. Like so many of the things I write and speak on, I don’t suggest hiding behind the behavior. Rather, I suggest understanding the behavior and then making plans that recognized the reality of life instead of wishing that things were different.

So, what do we do with this observation?

Here are three suggestions to get you started with applying  this principle in your efforts to change your behaviors or to influence another person’s behaviors:

1. Get away from tempting situations as quickly as possible.
   Since we know that self-control will eventually run out, if at all possible, remove the temptation to do things the old way or to partake in some forbidden behavior.
2. Give people (or yourself) a break.
   If you ask someone to change their behavior in a particular situation, make some time for them to get away from it for awhile so that they can replenish their “supply” of self-control.
3. Make big changes in small steps.
   Smaller steps do many things to make change easier to accept. One benefit of smaller steps is the reduction of effort required to remember the new way of doing things. If the effort to remember the new way is small, the time to “self-control” exhaustion is longer. This longer temptation resistance time increases the odds that the new way of doing things becomes easy to remember before our self control runs out.

Photo by NomadicLass.

Related posts:

1. Being Too Nice Can Hurt You
2. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

My Boat - USS Benjamin Franklin

Twenty-one years ago this month I left the U.S. Navy, got married, and began my civilian career.

A lot has happened in those twenty-one years. I have moved from South Carolina to New Jersey to Michigan and to Indiana. I have worked in large multi-national corporations, small family-owned businesses, and in my own business. I have become a father. I have faced financial ups and downs. I have experienced health challenges and been with family members through their health challenges. I helped to care for my aging mother-in-law until I had the privilege of being with her as she passed away.

A lot happened while I served as a submarine officer in the Navy and since. All of it has contributed to making me who I am today.

Even though I served in the U.S. military, when people ask for veterans to stand or raise their hands, I do it in a sort of  self-conscious way. In many respects, I don’t feel totally worthy of being called a “veteran” because I don’t really see my service as being a great sacrifice or struggle. While I learned a great deal about myself, about working with people, about problem solving, and about responding to crises, my experience seems a little insignificant compared to the service of others.

I never faced anything like the men and women of our armed forces face today or in any of the wars prior to my time in service. In the midst of my training for and response to life-and-death situations, the most significant casualty I faced was a fire on-board our submarine that lasted about one minute. The most physical hardship I faced was nine days without showers due to an equipment malfunction. Not so significant when compared with facing IED’s on roadsides every day.

On one Veteran’s Day a year or so ago, my daughter had a discussion with her teacher about my service. When her teacher asked which war I had served in, she said: “The Cold War.” It was funny, and it was true. I “fought” the Cold War.

Last Friday, I got up around 4:00 am to fly from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania back to Indianapolis. On this journey, I had about a two hour layover scheduled between flights in Detroit. My two hour layover eventually became a seven hour layover due to mechanical problems with the plane.

Another person on the flight from Detroit to Indianapolis was a U.S. soldier who began his travels somewhere in Iraq. He had already made 18 hops in his 2.5 day journey home, and he just wanted to see his wife and kids for three days. Tomorrow he begins his 2.5 day return journey back to his duty station in Iraq.

We spoke a bit during our time together in Detroit. Sadly, I do not know his name. I know a little of his story, and I saw his two young children waiting for him with “Welcome Home” signs at the Indianapolis airport. We only got the chance to briefly connect. As is often the case in group conversations like the one we had in Detroit, the roughly forty of us that were waiting together shared conversation, but we didn’t get very personal.

As we waited, I saw several people get really agitated with Delta Airlines. True, they could have done a better job of keeping us informed about the status of our delay. But, was it really that big of a deal? I noticed that the solider who had been traveling for 2.5 days to spend 3 days at home never got angry. He was as frustrated as anyone, and he kept his cool. He seemed to be able to keep the short-term situation in perspective compared to the bigger picture of his life and experiences.

Memorial Day is for people like him who serve in harms way and the people who have given their lives in service to their country. It is a day to remember their service and sacrifice.

And, as we face little daily struggles like delayed flights, traffic congestion, children who forget things at school, and a thousand other minor daily irritations, let’s remember to keep things in perspective.

Related posts:

1. Just Be Nice

Guy Answers the Question:
Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

As I teach, train, and coach using the DISC model, people hear me say that I encourage them to change their behaviors to fit the situation and to better connect with other people.

Sometimes, people ask me if consciously changing behavior is phoney or fake. This concern raises another common question about the DISC model, and how I recommend people use it to connect and communicate more effectively.

In answering this question, I often refer to a Thomas Jefferson quote:

In matters of style, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock.

As I see it, choosing a behavior, word, or tone that will improve your communication effectiveness is not a moral or ethical issue. It is just a matter of style.

We often change our behaviors for different environments. For example, most people recognize that appropriate behavior during a wedding ceremony is likely to be different from appropriate behavior at the celebration party after the ceremony. Different environments call for different behaviors.

As long as your intent is not to defraud, manipulate, or somehow deceive the other person, behaving in a way that might be uncomfortable or unnatural for you in the interest of connecting with them is not fake or phoney. Rather, I see it as working to create a better environment for the other person.

Related posts:

1. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?
3. DISC FAQ’s: Can I Change My Personality Style On Purpose?

I don’t know about you, but I often get frustrated in conversations when the other person simply will not slow down long enough to hear what I have to say.

On a number of occasions lately, I have had the opportunity to work through these types of conversations with other people. We both wanted to be heard, and both of us were talking.

In reflecting on the situations, I recall some things I learned as a practicing engineer. I remembered concepts from the physical world that paint a clear picture by way of analogy for how we can better connect and communicate with others.

Imagine that you have a sealed container of some kind. It could be a pressure cooker on the stove or a carbonated beverage bottle on a warm day. They both demonstrate my point.

The sealed container has pressure in it greater than the pressure exerted on it by the environment. As a result, venting the container causes the liquid inside to vent out of the container.

If you want to put something new into the container, you can either let what’s inside it vent to reduce the pressure before pouring in the new contents or you can push the new contents in at a high pressure.

The first approach takes a little patience, but it doesn’t take much energy.

The second approach can seem faster in the moment, but it takes lots of energy and it creates the risk of rupturing the container.

I think that people are sort of like the containers in my example above.

When they have pent up emotional pressure inside (anger, frustration, pain, etc.), they have to vent what’s inside of them before they can receive any new information. They have to be heard and understood before they are ready to hear and understand.

Keeping this thought in mind, here’s a communication tip for you. The next time you are confronted by a really agitated person, give them a chance to vent before you attempt to deliver your message. Once they relieve the pressure inside of themselves, they just might be willing to listen to what you have to say.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. How To Control Your Anger: Two Questions To Ask Yourself
3. One Way To Guarantee That Your Suggestion Is Ignored

When you find yourself communicating with a person who is reserved and task-oriented (primary Cautious behavioral style), remember these key communication tips:

• Slow down — they usually want you to give them time to process what you’re saying before they respond.
• Use data and third-party information to support your position — they want to know that you have done your homework.
• Talk about thoughts more than feelings — while they are not totally unemotional, they are more likely to be persuaded by thoughts than by feelings.
• Listen thoroughly to their concerns and objections — they want you to take the time to understand all of the thoughts and concerns they have so that they can be sure you have completely and accurately thought through your position.
• Give good, logic and data-based reasons for your thoughts and requests — more than any of the other behavioral styles, people with strong Cautious traits want to know “why” you want to do something before they will take action on it.

Remember these suggestions the next time you interact with people who are slower-paced and task-oriented, and you will improve the odds that they listen to, understand, and take action on your message.

Check this post, for more insights on how to guess at a person’s DISC style.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, Task-Oriented People
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People

When you find yourself communicating with a person who is reserved and people-oriented (primary Supportive behavioral style), remember these key communication tips:

• Slow down — they usually want you to give them time to process what you’re saying before they respond.
• Show that you care about them — if you come across as focused only on the task at hand, you run the risk of offending them.
• Use stories and experiences more than facts and figures — like people who have a strong Inspiring trait, they tend to relate to the communication of emotion over the communication of facts.
• Use gentle hand gestures and voice tones — they might perceive abrupt motions and/or loud voice tones as angry, and they generally do not respond well to anger or direct confrontation.
• Ask more indirect questions than direct questions — if you come across as very bottom-line, you might appear aggressive from their perspective.

Remember these suggestions the next time you interact with people who are slower-paced and people-oriented, and you will improve the odds that they listen to, understand, and take action on your message.

Check this post, for more insights on how to guess at a person’s DISC style.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, Task-Oriented People
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, Task-Oriented People