When you feel that you have been verbally attacked, it is incredibly difficult to think of the right words to calm the situation and disarm a verbal aggressor. Developing power phrases for use in various situations can help you get past this mental roadblock so that you can respond calmly and quickly in a wide range of situations.

In working with workshop participants and coaching clients to find good ways to address specific, emotionally charged situations, I have learned three power phrases you can use in a wide range of situations to disarm a verbal aggressor and turn the direction of an escalating conversation.

Here they are…

If I were you, I would feel exactly the same way.

Let’s say someone expresses a strong emotion and it looks like that emotion could be a barrier to effectively communicating with them. Acknowledging their emotion is a powerful tool to show that you understand their perspective even if you do not necessarily agree with it.

Part of the power in this statement is that it is absolutely true in all cases. If you were the other person, you would feel exactly like they feel because you would have their life experience, education, culture, gender, etc.

You may be right.

When someone comes at you with strong words of criticism or condemnation, you can often disarm the attack by acknowledging that they may be correct in their judgement. You do not necessarily have to agree with their assessment to say that they may be right.

If necessary, you can add to this statement to also offer your counter perspective by bridging from your acknowledgement of their position to your position with the word and. It would look like this: “You may be right, and…” (Important note: beware of the tendency to use but in place of and in your statement.)

Of course I am.

This statement is a new addition to my verbal toolkit by way of my colleague John Little.  In a recent Ultimate Communicator workshop, we were discussing how to respond to strong personal attacks. For example when someone says: you’re an idiot, you’re totally wrong,  etc. In our discussion, John suggested the phrase: “Of course I am.”

I love it! This approach totally removes the push back you offer the other person when they verbally attack you, and it gives you room to turn the tide of the aggressive conversation.

As is true with most communication techniques, the specific words you use will depend a great deal on several factors. For example, some of the considerations are:

• The relationship between the two parties
• The political or social environment surrounding the communication, and
• The physical setting of the parties during the communication.

So, while I do not believe that these phrases are completely universal, they can be great additions to your communication repertoire that help you better respond to verbal aggression in a positive way that leads to resolution rather than escalation.

Do you have some phrases that help to turn a heated conversation in a positive direction? If you do, please share them in the comments section below.

Related posts:

1. Be Careful What You Assume
2. Exercise Your Power of Choice in Conflict Resolution
3. Beware of Labels

One of the common questions I get as I lead workshops and work with my coaching clients is:

How do I decide if a conflict is worth the effort to resolve?

I think this is a great question. Honestly, resolving a conflict can take lots of emotional energy. While I think it is generally a good idea to work with other people to productively resolve conflicts, I recognize that you do not need to invest this energy to resolve every conflict you might experience. Here are a few times when you might decide to avoid the conflict rather than work to resolve it.

• When you do not care about the long-term health of your relationship with the other person.
• When you have little concern about the outcome of the situation.
• If you are concerned that the other person will resort to physical violence if you engage in a resolution conversation with them.

I’m still thinking through other situations when it might be reasonable to avoid the conflict rather than resolve it, and I think this represents a pretty good short-list of considerations when you make the decision.

As I said, in general I suggest that conflict resolution is worth the effort even though some situations might lead you in a different direction.

I would love to see your thoughts on this topic in the comments section.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Prevention: Just Fix the Problem
2. Conflict Resolution Tips: The Power of Patience
3. Do This If You Want to Guarantee Conflict Escalation

Today, I led a DISC communication skills workshop that ended with a role-play exercise to allow participants the opportunity to practice the skills we had been discussing.

For many of the people in the class, this was their first in-depth exposure to the DISC model and how to use it to more effectively communicate with others. The class was lively, engaged, and energetic with everyone in the room displaying a highly positive approach to learning. And, the role-play exercise brought to the surface a common frustration many people feel as they learn to apply the concepts I teach for becoming a better communicator.

As people attempted to “put on” the style of another person during the role-play, many of them felt awkward. Their role-play partners sensed this awkwardness. As a result, the participants attempts to connect with people with a different natural behavior style actually decreased the connection between them rather than increasing it.

They were frustrated. I was encouraged.

I was encouraged because they were making a genuine effort to connect with other people in a way that would make the recipient of the communication attempt feel most comfortable. Even though the results were not all that great initially, the effort to bridge the difference gap encouraged me.

They saw their efforts as failures. I saw their efforts as natural parts of the learning process.

A model for learning I often use speaks of learning happening in four stages:

1. Unconscious incompetence
   The “I don’t know that I don’t know” stage.
2. Conscious incompetence
   The “I realize that I don’t know something” stage.
3. Conscious competence
   The “I understand how to do this, and I have to think about it to make it work” stage.
4. Unconscious competence
   The “this has become natural to me and I don’t have to think about it any more” stage.

In attempting to apply the learning from the session, they were confronted with both the difficulty and awkwardness of learning to apply a new skill.

When I talked with them about the skills and they asked me questions, my answers seemed rather simple and effortless to them. For me, the answers were simple and effortless. In many situations, I have achieved (after much struggle and many failures) the unconscious competence level of learning for this material.

They are at the uncomfortable level of learning somewhere between conscious incompetence and conscious competence.

To break through this frustration, I encouraged them to keep at it even though the communication approach felt odd. I also encouraged them to seek feedback from other people about how their communication efforts were progressing. For example, I told people with Dominant traits to seek feedback from people with Supportive traits and vice-versa.

If you want to master using the DISC model to become a better communicator, I encourage you to do the same thing. Keep practicing and getting feedback on your efforts. You will eventually break through the awkwardness of trying to put on another person’s communication style to the comfort of authentically communicating by understanding their communication style.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Using the DISC Model: Focus on Needs More than Behaviors
3. Using the DISC Model: How to Create Stress for Other People

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post in the ABC’s of Life series on forgiveness. Today, I got a comment from Aled Davies with a link to a post on his blog about 5 Steps to Forgiveness.

I really liked what I read over at Aled’s blog, and it got me thinking: one of the key components I see in the 5 steps he wrote about is patience.

The patience to:

• Slow down your emotional response
• Consider that the other person might actually have a positive intention rather than a negative one
• Carefully consider what might be the other person’s perspective

I have noticed that people who are able to successfully resolve conflicts generally exercise great patience with others, with themselves, and with the process of reconciling differences. They seldom push or rush either the other person or the process, and they work to remain open to alternative explanations for events rather than assuming people meant harm by their words or actions.

While I am not always patient with others, that is my goal. As Benjamin Franklin said:

Genius is nothing but a greater aptitude for patience.

Personally, I would love to be a genius at something, and resolving conflict seems like a good, productive area to be a genius about.

Won’t you join me in pursuit of conflict resolution genius by working to exercise greater patience?

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Tips: Don’t Assume You Know What Someone Will Do
2. Conflict Resolution Tips: See Others Fairly
3. Exercise Your Power of Choice in Conflict Resolution

I am not always “on my game.”  Teaching conflict resolution, problem solving, interaction dynamics, and leadership skills does not make me perfect at applying them. It does make me aware, and that awareness helps me to correct my thinking more quickly. It also makes me work on practicing the skills so that I keep getting better.

And still, I have moments of insight about myself, my thinking, and my conflict approaches that are new. I’ll share a recent insight with you that I hope also helps you. First, two quick scenarios to frame the insight:

Scenario Number One:

A few days ago, a colleague of mine received a request from a customer to address a challenge, and she did not have all of the information necessary to fix the problem. As she sought information to solve the customer’s problem, she contacted a third person who she thought would have the information and authority to correct it, and she got, from her perspective, no real assistance.

Out of frustration and near desperation, she called me to see if I could offer any insights or perspective that could help her to address the customer’s issue.

As we talked through the scenario and the various techniques she could use to move the situation towards resolution, I had what my father calls “a blinding flash of the obvious”:

I could fix the problem for her!

Scenario Number Two:

I received an email from a person who had some challenges accessing information at the Bud to Boss Community for leaders. This is the community that  Kevin Eikenberry, my co-author, friend and colleague, and I launched to support readers of our book, From Bud to Boss. I really like tech stuff, like building websites, so I take care of many technical details related to that community.

As I was composing the email to let the person know how to fix her problem, I had another blinding flash of the obvious:

I could fix the problem for her!

In both cases, I entered the situation with a “Here’s the information you can use to fix your own problem” mindset. In both cases, moving to a “How can I fix this for you?” approach lead to quick resolution, clearer communication, and less conflict as I took a few immediate actions to correct the problems.

There are many situations — in coaching, parenting, and performance management for example — when the approach I started with is a better long-term answer. And, there are many situations where this approach can lead to further conflict because it fails to address the real frustration felt by the other person. Most situations have a bit of both the need for an immediate fix and some coaching about how to avoid or correct the problem in the future.

The first scenario fell in the category of having elements of both quick fix and long-term solution thinking. The second one only needed an immediate fix.

Both scenarios illustrate two key concepts to remember if you want to head-off conflicts before they start:

1. Beware of using your strengths to excess

I am logical, analytical, and relatively patient. I am good at collecting information, analyzing it, and recommending solutions to problems. I like to help other people solve their own problems so that I can equip them to better handle similar situations in the future.

That same strength, carried to excess, can sometimes stop me from taking immediate action to solve the problem and move on.

2. Ask yourself better questions

In both situations, I was initially thinking “How can I help them fix their problem?”

Somewhere in the middle of both interactions, I shifted to “How can I fix their problem for them?”

The first question probably relates to the first point I made about my strength carried to excess, and it reveals a subtle flaw in my thinking. While I wasn’t consciously thinking this way, I now realize that the first question carries a bit of  “How can I avoid getting involved so that they will go away and leave me alone?” thinking in it.

The second question is a deeper level of personal responsibility than the first. It implies personal involvement and action rather than detached analysis and suggestion.

Here are the questions I ask you to consider as you work to apply the lessons from my insights about myself:

1. Where are you using your strengths to excess so that they become a source of conflict rather than a resolution for conflict?, and
2. How can you rephrase the questions that you ask yourself so that you become an active problem solver before conflicts escalate?

Related posts:

1. Be Careful What You Assume
2. Listen to the Person Before You Solve the Problem
3. Effective Communication Skills: Acknowledge Emotions Before Solving Problems

Today, I have another lesson drawn from my recent guitar playing endeavor for people of all ages and roles.

First, the story behind the lesson.

As my daughters and a friend of mine patiently teach me scales, chords, chord progressions, hand positions, and strumming patterns; I have learned to struggle through a song or two. I don’t model the ease and beauty of playing that you might see in a true guitar master like Eric Clapton or Jim Croce (yes, I am showing my age), I can manage to, generally, make sounds that resemble music.

I know how to make my left hand create a number of chords. I know them by name, and I know a few simple variations. I have even learned what it means to hammer on and pull off. It’s great fun even though the finger tips of my left hand alternate between painful and numb.

In the process, I have learned that…

The concepts of playing a guitar are relatively simple, but playing a guitar well is not easy.

I quickly learned some fundamentals, and, using those fundamentals, I can fumble through a few songs. I am a looong way from true proficiency with the guitar. Still, I believe that with effort, practice, study, and the willingness to fail in the process; I can achieve some level of mastery.

The same is true for anyone working to apply the communication and conflict resolution principles that I write about and teach. It takes effort, practice, study, and the willingness to fail in the process to master them.

Becoming a great leader, communicator, conflict resolver, parent, or anything else, depends on the work done in the process of becoming proficient. It does not happen without study and focused practice.

The difference between doing something you have heard or seen someone else do and doing it with mastery is in the time and effort invested after you learn the concept.

Related posts:

1. The Secret to Mastery is in the Transitions
2. Beware of Labels
3. Effective Communication Skills: Acknowledge Emotions Before Solving Problems

The DISC Model of Human Behavior is, as the name implies, about behavior. And, to apply it well, I suggest looking beyond behavior to the needs behind the behavior to really use it to connect and communicate with other people more effectively.

To illustrate the point, consider the refrigerator shown above. While this one has no food in it, I imagine you can think of a time when you opened a refrigerator door to check the contents. I also imagine that many of the times when you have stood with the door open were times when you were hungry and looking for food.

Looking in the refrigerator (the behavior) was the expression of an unmet need (you were hungry).

And, if you found an empty refrigerator enough times, you just might decide to escalate your behavior by leaving your house to get food.

People tend to behave in ways that get their needs met. When their needs are unmet, they will continue escalating their behaviors in an increasingly intense effort to meet their needs.

Food is a physical need, and we will act to get food when we do not have it. Likewise, we all have certain emotional/psychological needs, and we also act to get them met.

The DISC model is one tool that you can use to get an estimate of another person’s emotional/psychological needs so that you can take positive, intentional actions that increase your ability to effectively connect and communicate with him or her.

I only plan to hit some high spots with this post, and I certainly do not want to present this brief article as a comprehensive guide. There are many other factors to consider when it comes to understanding other people’s needs. And, the DISC model is still a good tool you can use to make an educated guess.

With that caveat said, here are some general needs you can consider as you work to understand yourself and others:

• Outgoing, task-oriented, Dominant individuals often need:
  choices, challenges, and control.
• Outgoing, people-oriented, Inspiring individuals often need:
  recognition,  approval, and admiration.
• Reserved, people-oriented, Supportive individuals often need:
  appreciation, security, and assurance.
• Reserved, task-oriented, Cautious individuals often need:
  quality answers, value and excellence.

When you work to understand these needs and to see other people’s behaviors through the filter of their needs rather than your own, you can make the adjustments to  your communication style that allows you to meet — or at least not challenge — another person’s needs so that you can create an environment for mutual gain.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Applying the DISC Model: Breaking Through A Common Frustration
3. DISC Model Frequently Asked Questions

During the week between Christmas and New Year’s day, my wife and I went to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. Near the end of the day, we stopped in one of the gift shops, and we found the plaque shown in the picture with this post. We immediately loved it, and I knew that it would become the object of a series of posts inspired by the message on it. This is the first of those posts.

Accept differences. What a simple, yet powerful concept.

By accept differences, I do not mean tolerance. I have already written about why I don’t want to be a tolerant person.

When I say accept differences, I mean that I see the power in understanding how other people develop thoughts and feelings about certain topics that are different from my thoughts and feelings without lapsing into criticism, condemnation, and moral judgment about them as human beings.

As I see it, accept differences means that I can…

• Accept the person even when I do not accept his ideas, thoughts, and beliefs
  
• Be friendly, cordial, and respectful despite our different viewpoints
• Work with someone to solve a problem even when we disagree about issues unrelated to the problem we are solving.

One day recently, my wife told a teenage girl that she disagreed with the teenager’s choice and the teenager replied: “Mrs. Harris, don’t be hatin’.”

Does disagreement really have to imply hate?

I do not think that my disagreement with a persons behaviors or choices means that I hate her, and I don’t believe that a person hates me simply because she disagrees with me.

Accept differences.

Related posts:

1. The Difference Between Doing and Mastering
2. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
3. The ABC’s of Life: Express Thanks

During this interview, we had the opportunity to discuss some key points from our new book: From Bud to Boss. We spoke about issues surrounding the transition to leadership, coaching skills, how to coach in an environment with an uncertain future, communication skills, collaboration concepts, and other ideas. It was a fun, fast-paced interview.

Billy was a great interviewer, and I really enjoyed the conversation. If you would like to get a quick audio overview of concepts in our book, you can listen here.

Listen to the interview here

Related posts:

1. From Bud to Boss: My Interview with LeaderLab
2. From Bud to Boss: My Audio Interview With Wayne Turmel
3. Management Tip Audio Interview with Nick McCormick

In conflict situations, many of us struggle to maintain a fair and objective perspective about the other person.

We assign all kinds of bad motives and intentions to their behaviors before we slow down long enough to really understand their perspective.

This weekend I found a quote that offers a way to avoid this problem.

Never ascribe to an opponent motives meaner than your own.

– J.M. (James Matthew) Barrie (1860–1937), British playwright. Rectorial address, May 3, 1922, St Andrew’s University, Scotland. Quoted in Times (London, May 4, 1922).

I don’t have much to add to this quote. I offer it today as food for thought the next time you find yourself in a conflict.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Tips: Don’t Assume You Know What Someone Will Do
2. Conflict Resolution Tips: The Power of Patience
3. Conflict Resolution from John Wooden – What’s Right Not Who’s Right