Emotional Intelligence | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for emotional intelligence

Feb
28

People are a Package Deal

by Guy Harris

Nearly everyone irritates me to some extent. Even the people close to me — my wife, my kids, my friends, and my professional colleagues — irritate me from time to time.

All of them have body gestures, word choices, and tones that get under my skin because I see them as rude, impatient, inconsiderate or pushy. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, frustrates me some of the time.

And I’m okay with that.

The reality is that I probably frustrate, irritate, and aggravate them to some extent as well. As I think about it, probably is the wrong word. Let me rephrase that last sentence.

I definitely frustrate, irritate, and aggravate the people close to me.

I can say that I irritate them with a certainty because I am a human being, and people are a package deal.

A few months ago, I was speaking with my friend and colleague JJ Brun, and he said that he had come to the conclusion that when he was in any kind of relationship with a person, he had to accept the frustrating and challenging parts of their behaviors if he was going to enjoy the positive parts.

JJ said he realized that the good and the bad in a person are inseparable because people are a package deal. The phrase is pure JJ. And it’s brilliant.

I’m okay with the fact that people close to me sometimes irritate me because I choose to focus on the good things that they bring to the relationship rather than on their annoying behaviors. I realize that they are a package deal — just like me. I want them to accept me with all of my frustrating, irritating and aggravating habits. So, I have to accept them as well.

The next time you find yourself focusing on a negative attribute that another person brings to your relationship with them, shift your focus and look instead at the good they bring.

Remember, people are a package deal.

0 Categories : Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Parenting

Nov
4

Three Power Phrases to Disarm a Verbal Aggressor

by Guy Harris

When you feel that you have been verbally attacked, it is incredibly difficult to think of the right words to calm the situation and disarm a verbal aggressor. Developing power phrases for use in various situations can help you get past this mental roadblock so that you can respond calmly and quickly in a wide range of situations.

In working with workshop participants and coaching clients to find good ways to address specific, emotionally charged situations, I have learned three power phrases you can use in a wide range of situations to disarm a verbal aggressor and turn the direction of an escalating conversation.

Here they are…

If I were you, I would feel exactly the same way.

Let’s say someone expresses a strong emotion and it looks like that emotion could be a barrier to effectively communicating with them. Acknowledging their emotion is a powerful tool to show that you understand their perspective even if you do not necessarily agree with it.

Part of the power in this statement is that it is absolutely true in all cases. If you were the other person, you would feel exactly like they feel because you would have their life experience, education, culture, gender, etc.

You may be right.

When someone comes at you with strong words of criticism or condemnation, you can often disarm the attack by acknowledging that they may be correct in their judgement. You do not necessarily have to agree with their assessment to say that they may be right.

If necessary, you can add to this statement to also offer your counter perspective by bridging from your acknowledgement of their position to your position with the word and. It would look like this: “You may be right, and…” (Important note: beware of the tendency to use but in place of and in your statement.)

Of course I am.

This statement is a new addition to my verbal toolkit by way of my colleague John Little. In a recent Ultimate Communicator workshop, we were discussing how to respond to strong personal attacks. For example when someone says: you’re an idiot, you’re totally wrong, etc. In our discussion, John suggested the phrase: “Of course I am.”

I love it! This approach totally removes the push back you offer the other person when they verbally attack you, and it gives you room to turn the tide of the aggressive conversation.

As is true with most communication techniques, the specific words you use will depend a great deal on several factors. For example, some of the considerations are:

The relationship between the two parties
The political or social environment surrounding the communication, and
The physical setting of the parties during the communication.

So, while I do not believe that these phrases are completely universal, they can be great additions to your communication repertoire that help you better respond to verbal aggression in a positive way that leads to resolution rather than escalation.

Do you have some phrases that help to turn a heated conversation in a positive direction? If you do, please share them in the comments section below.

6 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips

Jul
15

Applying the DISC Model: Breaking Through A Common Frustration

by Guy Harris

Today, I led a DISC communication skills workshop that ended with a role-play exercise to allow participants the opportunity to practice the skills we had been discussing.

For many of the people in the class, this was their first in-depth exposure to the DISC model and how to use it to more effectively communicate with others. The class was lively, engaged, and energetic with everyone in the room displaying a highly positive approach to learning. And, the role-play exercise brought to the surface a common frustration many people feel as they learn to apply the concepts I teach for becoming a better communicator.

As people attempted to “put on” the style of another person during the role-play, many of them felt awkward. Their role-play partners sensed this awkwardness. As a result, the participants attempts to connect with people with a different natural behavior style actually decreased the connection between them rather than increasing it.

They were frustrated. I was encouraged.

I was encouraged because they were making a genuine effort to connect with other people in a way that would make the recipient of the communication attempt feel most comfortable. Even though the results were not all that great initially, the effort to bridge the difference gap encouraged me.

They saw their efforts as failures. I saw their efforts as natural parts of the learning process.

A model for learning I often use speaks of learning happening in four stages:

Unconscious incompetence
The “I don’t know that I don’t know” stage.
Conscious incompetence
The “I realize that I don’t know something” stage.
Conscious competence
The “I understand how to do this, and I have to think about it to make it work” stage.
Unconscious competence
The “this has become natural to me and I don’t have to think about it any more” stage.

In attempting to apply the learning from the session, they were confronted with both the difficulty and awkwardness of learning to apply a new skill.

When I talked with them about the skills and they asked me questions, my answers seemed rather simple and effortless to them. For me, the answers were simple and effortless. In many situations, I have achieved (after much struggle and many failures) the unconscious competence level of learning for this material.

They are at the uncomfortable level of learning somewhere between conscious incompetence and conscious competence.

To break through this frustration, I encouraged them to keep at it even though the communication approach felt odd. I also encouraged them to seek feedback from other people about how their communication efforts were progressing. For example, I told people with Dominant traits to seek feedback from people with Supportive traits and vice-versa.

If you want to master using the DISC model to become a better communicator, I encourage you to do the same thing. Keep practicing and getting feedback on your efforts. You will eventually break through the awkwardness of trying to put on another person’s communication style to the comfort of authentically communicating by understanding their communication style.

0 Categories : Communication Skills, DISC Model

Jul
8

Conflict Prevention: Just Fix the Problem

by Guy Harris

I am not always “on my game.” Teaching conflict resolution, problem solving, interaction dynamics, and leadership skills does not make me perfect at applying them. It does make me aware, and that awareness helps me to correct my thinking more quickly. It also makes me work on practicing the skills so that I keep getting better.

And still, I have moments of insight about myself, my thinking, and my conflict approaches that are new. I’ll share a recent insight with you that I hope also helps you. First, two quick scenarios to frame the insight:

Scenario Number One:

A few days ago, a colleague of mine received a request from a customer to address a challenge, and she did not have all of the information necessary to fix the problem. As she sought information to solve the customer’s problem, she contacted a third person who she thought would have the information and authority to correct it, and she got, from her perspective, no real assistance.

Out of frustration and near desperation, she called me to see if I could offer any insights or perspective that could help her to address the customer’s issue.

As we talked through the scenario and the various techniques she could use to move the situation towards resolution, I had what my father calls “a blinding flash of the obvious”:

I could fix the problem for her!

Scenario Number Two:

I received an email from a person who had some challenges accessing information at the Bud to Boss Community for leaders. This is the community that Kevin Eikenberry, my co-author, friend and colleague, and I launched to support readers of our book, From Bud to Boss. I really like tech stuff, like building websites, so I take care of many technical details related to that community.

As I was composing the email to let the person know how to fix her problem, I had another blinding flash of the obvious:

I could fix the problem for her!

In both cases, I entered the situation with a “Here’s the information you can use to fix your own problem” mindset. In both cases, moving to a “How can I fix this for you?” approach lead to quick resolution, clearer communication, and less conflict as I took a few immediate actions to correct the problems.

There are many situations — in coaching, parenting, and performance management for example — when the approach I started with is a better long-term answer. And, there are many situations where this approach can lead to further conflict because it fails to address the real frustration felt by the other person. Most situations have a bit of both the need for an immediate fix and some coaching about how to avoid or correct the problem in the future.

The first scenario fell in the category of having elements of both quick fix and long-term solution thinking. The second one only needed an immediate fix.

Both scenarios illustrate two key concepts to remember if you want to head-off conflicts before they start:

1. Beware of using your strengths to excess

I am logical, analytical, and relatively patient. I am good at collecting information, analyzing it, and recommending solutions to problems. I like to help other people solve their own problems so that I can equip them to better handle similar situations in the future.

That same strength, carried to excess, can sometimes stop me from taking immediate action to solve the problem and move on.

2. Ask yourself better questions

In both situations, I was initially thinking “How can I help them fix their problem?”

Somewhere in the middle of both interactions, I shifted to “How can I fix their problem for them?”

The first question probably relates to the first point I made about my strength carried to excess, and it reveals a subtle flaw in my thinking. While I wasn’t consciously thinking this way, I now realize that the first question carries a bit of “How can I avoid getting involved so that they will go away and leave me alone?” thinking in it.

The second question is a deeper level of personal responsibility than the first. It implies personal involvement and action rather than detached analysis and suggestion.

Here are the questions I ask you to consider as you work to apply the lessons from my insights about myself:

Where are you using your strengths to excess so that they become a source of conflict rather than a resolution for conflict?, and
How can you rephrase the questions that you ask yourself so that you become an active problem solver before conflicts escalate?

0 Categories : Conflict Resolution Tips, Leadership Skills, Problem Solving, Resolving Conflict

Jun
17

The Secret to Mastery is in the Transitions

by Guy Harris

I’m sitting in an airline lounge at LAX, and I’m reflecting a bit on my week as I wait to board a red-eye flight back to Indianapolis.

I just finished co-facilitating a single day training session with my friend and colleague Kevin Eikenberry that was part of a longer four-day training program. As we spoke with the participants, we heard about some of the other skills they were learning, and we encouraged them to look for ways to integrate what we were teaching with content from other parts of the program.

We suggested that they study the overlaps and connections between the topics so that they could develop the ability to easily move between different situations and work with different people effectively

As I reflect on this experience and think about getting back home to practice my guitar, I see a direct correlation between my guitar practice and the development of mastery as a leader and communicator:

The secret to mastery is in the transitions.

As I said when I wrote about the difference between doing and mastering, much of the work to become really good at something comes after you learn the initial concepts.

On the guitar, I now know how to make my left hand do the finger positions to do a number of chords, and I can play them acceptably. Sometimes I can move smoothly from one finger position to another. Other times I struggle. Guitar master’s know how to transition smoothly from one finger position to another so that the sound is smooth and melodic.

A similar thing is true for skillful leaders and communicators.

Different situations call for different behaviors. Communicating the same message to different people might mean using different approaches.

Masterful leaders and communicators know how to read the situations and people around them and how to smoothly move between different leadership approaches and communication styles or modes.

Photo by Rebecca L. Daily.