Emotional Intelligence | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for emotional intelligence – Page 2

Jun
15

The Difference Between Doing and Mastering

by Guy Harris

A few months ago, I bought a guitar and started the process of learning to play. A few days ago, I wrote a post about what my motivation to purchase a guitar can teach leaders of all kinds.

Today, I have another lesson drawn from my recent guitar playing endeavor for people of all ages and roles.

First, the story behind the lesson.

As my daughters and a friend of mine patiently teach me scales, chords, chord progressions, hand positions, and strumming patterns; I have learned to struggle through a song or two. I don’t model the ease and beauty of playing that you might see in a true guitar master like Eric Clapton or Jim Croce (yes, I am showing my age), I can manage to, generally, make sounds that resemble music.

I know how to make my left hand create a number of chords. I know them by name, and I know a few simple variations. I have even learned what it means to hammer on and pull off. It’s great fun even though the finger tips of my left hand alternate between painful and numb.

In the process, I have learned that…

The concepts of playing a guitar are relatively simple, but playing a guitar well is not easy.

I quickly learned some fundamentals, and, using those fundamentals, I can fumble through a few songs. I am a looong way from true proficiency with the guitar. Still, I believe that with effort, practice, study, and the willingness to fail in the process; I can achieve some level of mastery.

The same is true for anyone working to apply the communication and conflict resolution principles that I write about and teach. It takes effort, practice, study, and the willingness to fail in the process to master them.

Becoming a great leader, communicator, conflict resolver, parent, or anything else, depends on the work done in the process of becoming proficient. It does not happen without study and focused practice.

The difference between doing something you have heard or seen someone else do and doing it with mastery is in the time and effort invested after you learn the concept.

Photo by seriousbri.

5 Categories : Communication Skills, Leadership Skills, Parenting, Resolving Conflict

Jun
13

Learning to Embrace Messiness

by Guy Harris

Sometimes, life gets messy — as shown by the picture of the living area in my home this morning.

When I first walked through this area on my way to get a cup of coffee and some breakfast, I felt a bit stressed.

My family was still asleep, and I had a full day of work planned in my home office. The mess felt a bit overwhelming and out of control.

If you look carefully by the rocking chair near the middle of the picture, you will see an insulated coffee cup. That cup represents the time I spent reading, reflecting, and planning before starting my day.

My morning reading included Today We Are Rich by Tim Sanders, and my reflection included writing in my Gratefulness Journal (an idea I got from the book).

As I wrote a list of things for which I am grateful, I looked around the mess in my home, and I saw evidence of:

One daughter’s recent high school graduation and the celebration that followed
Another daughter’s four day HOBY leadership seminar experience
Two daughters who love listening to and playing music
My dad’s hastily celebrated birthday while my parents visited our home for graduation ceremonies
A community service project that my wife helped to organize
A wife who worked hard to keep up with laundry during the last three action-packed weeks
The opportunity that my wife and I had to work at the HOBY leadership seminar
People who came home at the end of long days of serving and working with others too tired to put away the mess
Business projects and opportunities that I have worked on while my wife kept everything else moving forward

As I re-framed my view of the mess in terms of the lives, relationships, and experiences that it represented, it transformed from stressful to soothing.

The lesson in this for leaders is to, at least for a short time, embrace messiness because of what the mess represents.

Your mess might by physical, like the one in my home this morning, or more intangible, like a long to-do list or a hectic project schedule. In either case, learn to embrace the temporary disarray, disorganization, and messiness because of the growth and progress it represents.

You can’t live with the mess forever — eventually you’ll have to clean it up. In the meantime though, find a way to frame it positively so that you can find the energy and enthusiasm to lead positively.

Now, I think I’ll go take another look at the mess and the memories it represents before my wife and kids get it cleaned-up.

0 Categories : Family Relationships, Leadership Skills

Mar
24

The ABC’s of Life: Count Your Blessings

by Guy Harris

Bad stuff happens to everyone.

We all face illness, the death of loved ones, financial crises, job setbacks, relationship challenges, and mechanical malfunctions. All of them are real, and all of them can breed frustration. When faced with these events, we often view them only in the negative context, and we ask the question: “Why me?”

Recently, I read a quote by the great tennis player Arthur Ashe:

If I were to say, “God, why me?” about the bad things, then I should have said, “God, why me?” about the good things that happened in my life.

— Arthur Ashe

If I understand correctly, he said this sometime after he was diagnosed with AIDS — after he was confronted with and had to live with “bad” news.

After this diagnosis, he went on to speak out for AIDS awareness rather than quietly retire to a private life. Shortly before his death, he founded the Arthur Ashe Institute for Urban Health. He kept using his blessings to help others even when he had received what many would call a curse.

Here’s what I propose, don’t ask “why” questions when confronted with adversity. Instead, ask “what” questions. Ask:

What lesson have I learned from this experience?
What will I do now?
What good is there in this situation?

“What” questions give you power. “Why” questions sap your strength.

And, I come back to the title of this post: Count Your Blessings.

Despite any hardship, all of us have some blessing.

If I have a co-worker who drives me nuts, I have a job. If my car has a broken water pump, I have a car. If my furnace breaks, I live indoors. If I lose a loved one, I had the privilege of knowing them.

I do not suggest that counting your blessings during a crisis or hardship is an easy thing to do. Nor do I claim to always execute this thought perfectly.

I do know that when I have found the strength and wisdom to look past the challenge to see the blessing, the challenge seemed less daunting, and I had the energy to persevere. When I have focused on the challenge, I have felt hopeless and without energy.

So, to have energy, enthusiasm, and happiness — count your blessings.

This article is from the ABC's of Life series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

0 Categories : ABC's of Life, Reflections

Mar
21

Using the DISC Model: Focus on Needs More than Behaviors

by Guy Harris

The DISC Model of Human Behavior is, as the name implies, about behavior. And, to apply it well, I suggest looking beyond behavior to the needs behind the behavior to really use it to connect and communicate with other people more effectively.

To illustrate the point, consider the refrigerator shown above. While this one has no food in it, I imagine you can think of a time when you opened a refrigerator door to check the contents. I also imagine that many of the times when you have stood with the door open were times when you were hungry and looking for food.

Looking in the refrigerator (the behavior) was the expression of an unmet need (you were hungry).

And, if you found an empty refrigerator enough times, you just might decide to escalate your behavior by leaving your house to get food.

People tend to behave in ways that get their needs met. When their needs are unmet, they will continue escalating their behaviors in an increasingly intense effort to meet their needs.

Food is a physical need, and we will act to get food when we do not have it. Likewise, we all have certain emotional/psychological needs, and we also act to get them met.

The DISC model is one tool that you can use to get an estimate of another person’s emotional/psychological needs so that you can take positive, intentional actions that increase your ability to effectively connect and communicate with him or her.

I only plan to hit some high spots with this post, and I certainly do not want to present this brief article as a comprehensive guide. There are many other factors to consider when it comes to understanding other people’s needs. And, the DISC model is still a good tool you can use to make an educated guess.

With that caveat said, here are some general needs you can consider as you work to understand yourself and others:

Outgoing, task-oriented, Dominant individuals often need:
choices, challenges, and control.
Outgoing, people-oriented, Inspiring individuals often need:
recognition, approval, and admiration.
Reserved, people-oriented, Supportive individuals often need:
appreciation, security, and assurance.
Reserved, task-oriented, Cautious individuals often need:
quality answers, value and excellence.

When you work to understand these needs and to see other people’s behaviors through the filter of their needs rather than your own, you can make the adjustments to your communication style that allows you to meet — or at least not challenge — another person’s needs so that you can create an environment for mutual gain.

Photo by RowdyKittens.

This article is from the Connecting With People series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

Connecting With People
Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, Task-Oriented People
Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People
Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, Task-Oriented People
Using the DISC Model: How to Create Stress for Other People
Using the DISC Model: Focus on Needs More than Behaviors

1 Categories : Communication Skills, DISC Model, Leadership Skills

Mar
4

Why I Use The DISC Model

by Guy Harris

People frequently ask me why I use the DISC model in my work. Today, I’ll offer some of my reasons.

I use the DISC model because:

It is simple enough that…
- I can work with someone for only a few minutes and help them gain perspective they have never seen before.
- I can use it to help me when I am tired, stressed or angry.
- I don’t need assessment results to understand another person.
It is descriptive enough that…
- It helps me to see others more objectively and less subjectively.
- It leads me towards understanding and away from judgment.
It is accurate enough that…
- I can get a good guess about what someone wants from me when we communicate.
- I can quickly understand another person’s perspective.
It is flexible enough that…
- I can use it “on the fly” in real-life situations.
- I can see the blends, subtleties and variations in other people’s perspectives without trying to force them neatly into a single box or label them.