I am not always “on my game.”  Teaching conflict resolution, problem solving, interaction dynamics, and leadership skills does not make me perfect at applying them. It does make me aware, and that awareness helps me to correct my thinking more quickly. It also makes me work on practicing the skills so that I keep getting better.

And still, I have moments of insight about myself, my thinking, and my conflict approaches that are new. I’ll share a recent insight with you that I hope also helps you. First, two quick scenarios to frame the insight:

Scenario Number One:

A few days ago, a colleague of mine received a request from a customer to address a challenge, and she did not have all of the information necessary to fix the problem. As she sought information to solve the customer’s problem, she contacted a third person who she thought would have the information and authority to correct it, and she got, from her perspective, no real assistance.

Out of frustration and near desperation, she called me to see if I could offer any insights or perspective that could help her to address the customer’s issue.

As we talked through the scenario and the various techniques she could use to move the situation towards resolution, I had what my father calls “a blinding flash of the obvious”:

I could fix the problem for her!

Scenario Number Two:

I received an email from a person who had some challenges accessing information at the Bud to Boss Community for leaders. This is the community that  Kevin Eikenberry, my co-author, friend and colleague, and I launched to support readers of our book, From Bud to Boss. I really like tech stuff, like building websites, so I take care of many technical details related to that community.

As I was composing the email to let the person know how to fix her problem, I had another blinding flash of the obvious:

I could fix the problem for her!

In both cases, I entered the situation with a “Here’s the information you can use to fix your own problem” mindset. In both cases, moving to a “How can I fix this for you?” approach lead to quick resolution, clearer communication, and less conflict as I took a few immediate actions to correct the problems.

There are many situations — in coaching, parenting, and performance management for example — when the approach I started with is a better long-term answer. And, there are many situations where this approach can lead to further conflict because it fails to address the real frustration felt by the other person. Most situations have a bit of both the need for an immediate fix and some coaching about how to avoid or correct the problem in the future.

The first scenario fell in the category of having elements of both quick fix and long-term solution thinking. The second one only needed an immediate fix.

Both scenarios illustrate two key concepts to remember if you want to head-off conflicts before they start:

1. Beware of using your strengths to excess

I am logical, analytical, and relatively patient. I am good at collecting information, analyzing it, and recommending solutions to problems. I like to help other people solve their own problems so that I can equip them to better handle similar situations in the future.

That same strength, carried to excess, can sometimes stop me from taking immediate action to solve the problem and move on.

2. Ask yourself better questions

In both situations, I was initially thinking “How can I help them fix their problem?”

Somewhere in the middle of both interactions, I shifted to “How can I fix their problem for them?”

The first question probably relates to the first point I made about my strength carried to excess, and it reveals a subtle flaw in my thinking. While I wasn’t consciously thinking this way, I now realize that the first question carries a bit of  “How can I avoid getting involved so that they will go away and leave me alone?” thinking in it.

The second question is a deeper level of personal responsibility than the first. It implies personal involvement and action rather than detached analysis and suggestion.

Here are the questions I ask you to consider as you work to apply the lessons from my insights about myself:

1. Where are you using your strengths to excess so that they become a source of conflict rather than a resolution for conflict?, and
2. How can you rephrase the questions that you ask yourself so that you become an active problem solver before conflicts escalate?

Related posts:

1. Be Careful What You Assume
2. Listen to the Person Before You Solve the Problem
3. Effective Communication Skills: Acknowledge Emotions Before Solving Problems

Today’s thought is to express thanks.

It’s not really that hard to do. Or is it?

When we are tired, thinking about other things, or feeling awkward, we can overlook the idea of expressing thanks. I’m not talking about thinking thankful thoughts or giving someone a quick nod of acknowledgment. I’m talking about actually saying the words thank-you. For example:

• When my wife fixes dinner, do I always say thanks?
• When my daughter gets me a cup of coffee in the morning, do I always say thanks?
• When my colleagues and co-workers do something to help, do I always say thanks?
• When my neighbor cuts a bit of the grass in my yard when they are doing theirs, do I always say thanks?
• When a stranger waits a moment to hold the door for me, do I always say thanks?

Sadly, the answer to all of these is: no.

I think I do a fairly good job of expressing thanks, and today’s thought reminds me that I could do better. I know that I have missed opportunities to thank people in my life.

Some of them, I have mentioned above, and there are others. There are mentors, old friends, and family members who have done acts of kindness and service for me that I have not fully and properly acknowledged with a spoken thanks. I’m getting better as I mature, and I still have some catching up to do.

It’s not too late.

For example, a few weeks ago I thought of something a friend of mind did for me in high school, and I had never thanked her for it.  We were friendly in high school, but not really close friends. She was pretty, popular, and very outgoing (at least that’s how I remember her). I was geeky, awkward, and terribly shy around girls (that’s how I remember me).

One day in the gym she stepped in to stop some people from slapping the sunburn on my back. Because of my embarrassment and shyness, I never thanked her. I appreciated what she did. I just didn’t say anything about it.

When I remembered again, I found her on facebook, and I sent a thank-you message thirty-something years after the event. Based on her reaction, I’m guessing it was a pleasant surprise to her.  As I suspected, she had not remembered the event. It was a small event out of four years of high school. There was no reason for her to remember.

It was important, though, to let her know that I had remembered, and that her kindness made a difference for someone. In the end, it cost me almost nothing, and it was encouraging to her. I would call that a great return on investment. I am really happy that I remembered the event and that I took action on the memory.

Has anyone ever done something for you that you haven’t yet thanked them for? If the answer is yes, find them and thank them. You will both be glad that you did.

Related posts:

1. The ABC’s of Life: Accept Difference
2. The ABC’s of Life: Be Kind
3. The ABC’s of Life: Count Your Blessings

During that time, we’ve added new team members and partners to help with the launch, and that’s the lesson for this post.

It takes a team to get anything significant accomplished.

Writing the book was a collaborative effort involving Kevin and me, but it doesn’t stop there.

We have a publishing team at Jossey-Bass that knows the book publishing business.

We have the Kevin Eikenberry Group team that supports us as we travel for training and speaking engagements. Angie, Katie, Becky, Brett, Parker, and Kim have all done work to support the successful launch of our book.

We have blogging and promotional partners who will be helping us to get the word out around February 15 when the book becomes officially available.

We have our families who have tolerated the long-hours of travel, phone calls, blog posts, article writing, meetings, and website development it takes to get a book written, published, and sold.

And the list goes on and on.

Kevin and I are a team, and we have our names on the cover of the book.

Still, it takes much more than just the two of us to make this book a success. I’m proud to be associated with such a great team of people.

My question for today is this – Who is on your team, and whose team are you on?

Even if you think you’re doing things alone, I would be willing to bet that other people are part of making your project or business a success.

Are you proud to work with them? If you are, tell them. If not, what can you do to change it?

If you would like to join our team as a Bud the Boss Buzz Builder, we would love to have you on-board.

Related posts:

1. My Interview With Mike Phillips on Lead the Team
2. Four Things Leaders Can Do To Reduce Team Conflicts
3. From Bud to Boss: My Interview with LeaderLab

To take charge of your life, focus on controlling what you can.

As a practical matter, there’s not much you can control. So, you might as well control what you can.

You cannot control:

• How other people treat you
• How other people respond to you
• What other people say
• The weather
• Company policies (for many people)
• Laws (again, for most people)
• etc.

You can control your own words, actions, reactions, and interactions.

That’s it.

When I discuss this idea in training, I often say that of the 6+ billion people on the planet I can only control one of them. And he doesn’t always cooperate with me.

Still, controlling myself is all I’ve got.

For example, I can’t control whether or not people read this blog. I can control how often I post.

I can’t control if people treat me with respect. I can control if I treat them with respect.

And, the list goes on in like manner.

The point is this:

By focusing on what I can control, I become less concerned with what I cannot control.

With this as my focus, I can take charge of my life. You can choose to do the same.

Related posts:

1. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
2. Commit to Continual Learning – Life Lessons From Cal Ripken, Jr
3. Victim or Victor – You Decide

If you’re willing to listen, you can learn all sorts of lessons from all kinds of people.

Today, I had the chance to see Cal Ripken, Jr speak at a conference in Baltimore, Maryland. Just in case you don’t know him, he played many seasons with the Baltimore Orioles baseball team. He holds the Major League Baseball record for the most consecutive games played (2632).

He spoke about his personal perspective on perseverance and success. At one point, speaking about the need to continually learn, grow, and improve, he said:

The ones who become satisfied with who they are have short careers.

What a powerful way to make the point about the need to constantly invest the effort to become better. He was speaking specifically about baseball players, and the lesson applies to all of us: leaders, team members, co-workers, parents, and spouses.

I encourage you to take this wisdom to heart and to commit yourself to lifelong, personal growth.

Related posts:

1. Take Charge of Your Life – Control What You Can
2. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
3. Learning to Embrace Messiness

You can use the DISC model to have some fun with other people by watching them stress out when you consciously communicate with them in a way that is different from their preferred style. It’s fun and easy to do.

Here are some tips to help you make this happen.

When you are communicating with…

…an outgoing, task-oriented, Dominant style person:

• Speak slowly
• Tell really long-stories
• Give them lots of details they didn’t ask for
• Avoid anything that even remotely resembles a decision or results-focused action.

…an outgoing, people-oriented, Inspiring style person:

• Speak in a monotone, boring tone
• Never smile, laugh, or indicate that you enjoy the conversation
• Focus on data and details
• Tell no stories and share no emotions

…a reserved, people-oriented, Supportive style person:

• Speak quickly and loudly
• Stand face-to-face and move your hands wildly while you speak
• Push for quick results rather than listen to their concerns
• Ignore how people feel about a situation

…a reserved, task-oriented, Cautious style person:

• Tell stories with lots of emotional appeal
• Try to get them to be “excited”
• Attempt to persuade them before you have answered all of their questions
• Focus on emotions over facts

The next time you want to frustrate another person, just remember these tips and consciously apply them to create an uncomfortable environment that encourages them to avoid you and disconnect from the conversation.

(This post is totally tongue-in-cheek. Hopefully, you see that I advocate doing exactly the opposite of what I have written here.)

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Using the DISC Model: Focus on Needs More than Behaviors
3. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself

I haven’t gotten very far into the book yet, and already I find myself swimming in wisdom and insights on leadership and life from the great John Wooden.

The title says that the book is about leadership. While it clearly addresses the issue of leadership, I also see all kinds of application for people who want to build better relationship, communication, and conflict resolution skills as well.

Here’s one quote that struck me particularly strongly:

“As a leader, you must be sincerely committed to what’s right rather than who’s right.”

I don’t know that I can add any significant value to this quote. I can only encourage you to remember it the next time you find yourself in a conflict conversation.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Tips: See Others Fairly
2. Just Say “I’m Sorry”
3. Beware of Labels

In a previous post on exercising your power of choice to get conflicts under control, I mentioned some specific actions to consider using to de-escalate conflicts.

In this post, I’m expanding on three of the actions with some additional thoughts on how to put them to work in your conflict resolution repertoire.

Here are three things you can do in virtually any conflict situation to improve the outcome.

1. Apologize

I seldom see conflict situations where all of the miscommunication, misunderstanding, or misinterpretation of intentions rests entirely on one person. You might not be totally at fault for the challenge that led to the conflict. Odds are, there is something you contributed to the early stages that helped it to escalate. Whatever that behavior, word choice or tone was, apologize for it.

Don’t apologize for how the other person feels or how they interpreted your actions. You can apologize for the action itself.

Apology is a powerful way to de-escalate conflict. When you apologize, remember that apologizing for your contribution does not mean that you have to take all of the blame. Just own your contribution.

2.  Forgive

Just as you should apologize for your contribution, be ready to accept their apology or ownership of responsibility. Resist the urge to take advantage of their show of vulnerability. Just forgive graciously.

In practice, you don’t even have to wait for an apology to forgive. You can forgive simply because you chose to do so. (And you can do it without holding it over the other person. Remember the gracious part.)

3.  Listen

As a general rule, people feel less angry or frustrated when they feel understood. When you listen without interrupting, correcting, or debating, you can help the other person feel understood. When you help them feel understood, you improve the odds of de-escalating the conflict.

I don’t propose that these actions are necessarily easy to do when emotions are high and the conflict is escalating. While they might not be easy to do, they are possible to do. And they are powerful steps you can consciously apply to help conflicts move towards resolution.

Related posts:

1. Be Careful What You Assume
2. Conflict Resolution Insights: Why Conflicts Escalate
3. Just Say “I’m Sorry”

A few weeks ago, I read an interesting article titled On the Job, Nice Guys May Finish Last. The title immediately caught my attention, and I had to take a look.

In reading the article, I saw an immediate connection to my work and for other people interested in using the DISC model in their professional and personal lives.

The point made in this article is particularly significant for people with supportive tendencies (people who are people-oriented and reserved).

People with strong supportive traits are great at building relationships, easing tensions, helping others, and holding a team together. And, as Dr. Christine Riordan says in the article I mentioned above:

People with this natural personality trait may be less likely to face confrontation or other difficulties at work.

I’m not suggesting that having the supportive trait is a problem (it happens to be a strong secondary trait for me). I am suggesting that people with this trait commit themselves to learning the skills of assertive communication.

People with supportive traits often use passive communication strategies in an effort to ease tensions and reduce conflicts. While these strategies are sometimes useful and necessary, I recommend learning to use them intentionally when appropriate rather than as a default because they are more comfortable.

Consistently passive communication and conflict avoidance can create situations where conflicts go unresolved and continue to simmer under the surface until they explode and destroy a team or family. In addition, passive communication can make people, like the lamb pictured above, susceptible to “predators” in the workplace. Both scenarios can have  major negative impacts on your career.

Learning to apply assertive communication techniques can improve the odds of successfully confronting and resolving conflict situations at work by stopping the spread of destructive conflict and confrontation.

Related posts:

1. Using the DISC Model: Focus on Needs More than Behaviors
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People

A Question to Ask of Yourself:
How do I better control myself?

I often hear people ask questions about the DISC model that indicate a desire to use the model to somehow change others.

Rather than using the model to label, categorize, or stereotype people, I suggest a different approach: use the DISC model to find ways to connect with other people in better, more effective ways.

Towards that end, one question that I suggest you ask yourself is this:

How can I use the DISC model to better understand other people and change my behaviors so that I communicate more clearly?

My message is pretty simple: get over yourself.

Learn to adjust and modify your words and actions so that they are heard and understood more quickly and more clearly by other people.

This is what I strive to do every day. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The more I work at it though, the better I get. And you can do it, too.

Do this, and you will significantly improve your effectiveness as a leader, team member, or parent.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Using the DISC Model: How to Create Stress for Other People
3. Using the DISC Model: Focus on Needs More than Behaviors