Get Over Yourself | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for get over yourself – Page 2

Oct
29

Using the DISC Model: How to Create Stress for Other People

by Guy Harris

You can use the DISC model to have some fun with other people by watching them stress out when you consciously communicate with them in a way that is different from their preferred style. It’s fun and easy to do.

Here are some tips to help you make this happen.

When you are communicating with…

…an outgoing, task-oriented, Dominant style person:

Speak slowly
Tell really long-stories
Give them lots of details they didn’t ask for
Avoid anything that even remotely resembles a decision or results-focused action.

…an outgoing, people-oriented, Inspiring style person:

Speak in a monotone, boring tone
Never smile, laugh, or indicate that you enjoy the conversation
Focus on data and details
Tell no stories and share no emotions

…a reserved, people-oriented, Supportive style person:

Speak quickly and loudly
Stand face-to-face and move your hands wildly while you speak
Push for quick results rather than listen to their concerns
Ignore how people feel about a situation

…a reserved, task-oriented, Cautious style person:

Tell stories with lots of emotional appeal
Try to get them to be “excited”
Attempt to persuade them before you have answered all of their questions
Focus on emotions over facts

The next time you want to frustrate another person, just remember these tips and consciously apply them to create an uncomfortable environment that encourages them to avoid you and disconnect from the conversation.

(This post is totally tongue-in-cheek. Hopefully, you see that I advocate doing exactly the opposite of what I have written here.)

Photo by David Friel.

This article is from the Connecting With People series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

Connecting With People
Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, Task-Oriented People
Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People
Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, Task-Oriented People
Using the DISC Model: How to Create Stress for Other People
Using the DISC Model: Focus on Needs More than Behaviors

0 Categories : Communication Skills, DISC Model

Oct
19

Conflict Resolution from John Wooden – What’s Right Not Who’s Right

by Guy Harris

This week, while I’m traveling to deliver a Bud to Boss Workshop, I’m reading Wooden on Leadership.

I haven’t gotten very far into the book yet, and already I find myself swimming in wisdom and insights on leadership and life from the great John Wooden.

The title says that the book is about leadership. While it clearly addresses the issue of leadership, I also see all kinds of application for people who want to build better relationship, communication, and conflict resolution skills as well.

Here’s one quote that struck me particularly strongly:

“As a leader, you must be sincerely committed to what’s right rather than who’s right.”

I don’t know that I can add any significant value to this quote. I can only encourage you to remember it the next time you find yourself in a conflict conversation.

0 Categories : Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Reflections, Resolving Conflict

Oct
6

Three Actions You Can Take to De-escalate Conflicts

by Guy Harris

In a previous post on exercising your power of choice to get conflicts under control, I mentioned some specific actions to consider using to de-escalate conflicts.

In this post, I’m expanding on three of the actions with some additional thoughts on how to put them to work in your conflict resolution repertoire.

Here are three things you can do in virtually any conflict situation to improve the outcome.

1. Apologize

I seldom see conflict situations where all of the miscommunication, misunderstanding, or misinterpretation of intentions rests entirely on one person. You might not be totally at fault for the challenge that led to the conflict. Odds are, there is something you contributed to the early stages that helped it to escalate. Whatever that behavior, word choice or tone was, apologize for it.

Don’t apologize for how the other person feels or how they interpreted your actions. You can apologize for the action itself.

Apology is a powerful way to de-escalate conflict. When you apologize, remember that apologizing for your contribution does not mean that you have to take all of the blame. Just own your contribution.

2. Forgive

Just as you should apologize for your contribution, be ready to accept their apology or ownership of responsibility. Resist the urge to take advantage of their show of vulnerability. Just forgive graciously.

In practice, you don’t even have to wait for an apology to forgive. You can forgive simply because you chose to do so. (And you can do it without holding it over the other person. Remember the gracious part.)

3. Listen

As a general rule, people feel less angry or frustrated when they feel understood. When you listen without interrupting, correcting, or debating, you can help the other person feel understood. When you help them feel understood, you improve the odds of de-escalating the conflict.

I don’t propose that these actions are necessarily easy to do when emotions are high and the conflict is escalating. While they might not be easy to do, they are possible to do. And they are powerful steps you can consciously apply to help conflicts move towards resolution.

Photo by Eric and Deanna Pesik.

0 Categories : Resolving Conflict

Jun
21

Being Too Nice Can Hurt You

by Guy Harris

A few weeks ago, I read an interesting article titled On the Job, Nice Guys May Finish Last. The title immediately caught my attention, and I had to take a look.

In reading the article, I saw an immediate connection to my work and for other people interested in using the DISC model in their professional and personal lives.

The point made in this article is particularly significant for people with supportive tendencies (people who are people-oriented and reserved).

People with strong supportive traits are great at building relationships, easing tensions, helping others, and holding a team together. And, as Dr. Christine Riordan says in the article I mentioned above:

People with this natural personality trait may be less likely to face confrontation or other difficulties at work.

I’m not suggesting that having the supportive trait is a problem (it happens to be a strong secondary trait for me). I am suggesting that people with this trait commit themselves to learning the skills of assertive communication.

People with supportive traits often use passive communication strategies in an effort to ease tensions and reduce conflicts. While these strategies are sometimes useful and necessary, I recommend learning to use them intentionally when appropriate rather than as a default because they are more comfortable.

Consistently passive communication and conflict avoidance can create situations where conflicts go unresolved and continue to simmer under the surface until they explode and destroy a team or family. In addition, passive communication can make people, like the lamb pictured above, susceptible to “predators” in the workplace. Both scenarios can have major negative impacts on your career.

Learning to apply assertive communication techniques can improve the odds of successfully confronting and resolving conflict situations at work by stopping the spread of destructive conflict and confrontation.

Photo by paraflyer.

1 Categories : Communication Skills, Leadership Skills

Jun
16

A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself

by Guy Harris

A Question to Ask of Yourself:
How do I better control myself?

I often hear people ask questions about the DISC model that indicate a desire to use the model to somehow change others.

Rather than using the model to label, categorize, or stereotype people, I suggest a different approach: use the DISC model to find ways to connect with other people in better, more effective ways.

Towards that end, one question that I suggest you ask yourself is this:

How can I use the DISC model to better understand other people and change my behaviors so that I communicate more clearly?

My message is pretty simple: get over yourself.

Learn to adjust and modify your words and actions so that they are heard and understood more quickly and more clearly by other people.

This is what I strive to do every day. I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. The more I work at it though, the better I get. And you can do it, too.

Do this, and you will significantly improve your effectiveness as a leader, team member, or parent.