Written messages just might be the most dangerous form of communication. There are so many ways that they can go wrong and lead to miscommunication. If you have ever written a message that someone else misunderstood, then you know what I mean.

While, the general rules of effective communication apply equally to both spoken and written forms, there are some special factors to remember when you communicate in writing.

I covered some general, big-picture communication ideas a few weeks ago when I wrote about Three Critical Factors to Consider Before You Choose a Communication Technique. Today, I’m expanding the ideas in that post to add these special considerations for you to remember when you write.

When you write a message of any kind, keep in mind…

The idea of greatest interest to the reader

Most people skim written messages more than they read them – especially when people “read” on a computer screen. If you want to grab the reader’s attention so that they get your main idea, make it easy to see.

Make the main idea stand out in some way.

• Use bullet points
• Put the main point as early as possible in the text
• Use formatting that makes the main point(s) easy to find

If people have to work too hard to find something that pertains to them in your message, they will likely miss it altogether.

How it will likely “sound” to the reader

In written form, people only have the voice in their own head to interpret the words you write. The reader chooses the tone that your words carry, and, in my experience, people sitting alone with your words tend to read them more negatively and more aggressively than you intended them.  As a result, communicating sensitive issues in writing will likely take more time and more words than communicating the same message in spoken form.

Since you will not be present when they read what you wrote so that you can adjust your delivery or clarify your message, it is doubly important to consider the reader’s DISC style (if you know it) when you communicate in writing. If you are task-oriented, remember to work on “softening” your words for people-oriented readers. If you are people-oriented, remember to get to the point faster for task-oriented readers.

Where (and in what medium) the reader will read it

If you write messages of any kind – letters, emails, texts, or social media updates – remember that the person reading your words will likely not read your words in the same environment where you wrote them. You might be dashing through an airport quickly responding on your phone while your colleague reads the message quietly in his office. Or, you could compose it in your office while he reads the message on his phone dashing through an airport.

Always consider the reader’s environment in your message. Will they read it on paper or on a computer screen, on a wide-screen monitor or on a smart phone? Every context is different. Every context creates a different communication challenge for your reader.

Here’s a bonus thought – pay attention to punctuation.

I don’t suggest that you have to know all punctuation rules and apply them perfectly. I do suggest that you should at least give it some consideration. I see many emails and text messages that look to me like the writer made no effort to follow good punctuation rules. Punctuation helps the reader know where to pause and how to better interpret your intent. Do your readers a favor with good punctuation. (If you find punctuation errors in this post, sorry. I’m not perfect in this area. I do think about it and try to catch my mistakes before publishing.)

If you have thoughts or ideas to expand these ideas, I’d love to see them. Please let me know your insights for better written communication in the comments section below.

Related posts:

1. Five Secrets for More Persuasive Writing
2. Three Critical Factors to Consider Before You Choose a Communication Technique
3. Effective Communication Skills: Use And More than But

Have you ever taken an action – either immediately or at some later time – based on what you heard someone say only to find out after you acted (or spoke) that you did not accurately understand their statement or request?

So far, everyone I have asked this question in a face-to-face conversation answers pretty much the same way. In effect, they all say: “Yes, of course I have.” And, the truth is, so have I.

As the Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw, said:

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

The illusion that you accurately understand another person’s intended message based solely on your interpretation of his words, tone and body language is a trap that can hinder your desire to become a truly remarkable communicator. You certainly have an interpretation of what he intended to say, and you never really know if you understand correctly until you confirm it with him. Confirming mutual understanding is the feedback loop often missing in situations that lead to misunderstanding and frustration.

When you develop the ability to check your own understanding of the messages you interpret from what another person says by consciously inserting a feedback loop, you improve the odds of effectively communicating with her. Well phrased confirmation questions can help you do this gracefully and with ease to improve the odds that you get positive replies rather than snarky comebacks.

Here are five ways you can phrase a confirmation question:

•  “Let me say back to you what I think you just said, so that I can be sure I understood you correctly…”
• “Please correct me if I am wrong. I understood you to say ________. Is that correct?”
• “If I hear you correctly, you are saying _____________. Is that right?”
• “I hear you saying ____________. Is that right?”
• “It sounds to me like you feel/think ____________. Did I understand you correctly?”

If you look closely at each question, you will see a common thought:  if a miscommunication happened, it’s my problem and not the other person’s.

You can probably find other ways to express the same idea, and I encourage you to do so. You do not want to say the same thing over and over again in the same conversation to the point that you sound like an inauthentic automaton.

This list is a good place to start your own list of confirmation questions.  I suggest that you think of others to add to your communication toolkit so that you can have many of them to pull on when you find yourself in the middle of a high-stakes conversation.

If you have other ways of confirming that you understood correctly, please add them in the comments section below.

Related posts:

1. Six Questions to Make Sure You Have Communicated Effectively
2. Hear and Understand to be Heard and Understood
3. Three Critical Factors to Consider Before You Choose a Communication Technique

From what I could tell, he was engaged in a bit of a conflict conversation.

I could also tell that he was making a common mistake that rarely, if ever, leads to conflict resolution and almost always leads to conflict escalation. Based on the bits and pieces of conversation that I overheard, I think the person on the other end of the phone call was making this mistake as well.

The symptoms of the mistake manifested as:

• Justifying behaviors
• Explaining why he was right
• Showing the other person why he was wrong
• Rehashing what had already happened
• No focus on what to do the next time this situation occurred to make it turn out better

The root cause of the problem stems from focusing on the past rather than the future. I wrote about this challenge previously in my post about the 7 Deadly Sins of Conflict Resolution.

If you want to guarantee conflict escalation, keep revisiting the past — past statements, past actions, past reasons, past thinking, etc.

Talking about the past is like throwing out an anchor. It stops forward progress and keeps the conversation stuck in problem discussion rather than problem solving.

Problem discussion becomes negative and accusatory, if it goes on too long.

Problem solving is about finding ways to set and meet mutual expectations and how to interact with and behave towards each other so that conflicts do not recur.

If you want to productively resolve conflicts, move quickly to a future focus. Only stay in the past long enough to understand how the miscommunication or misunderstanding happened, and then look for ways you can interact with the other person in the future to stop the problem from happening again.

Related posts:

1. Three Words to Guarantee Conflict Escalation
2. Conflict Resolution Tips: Don’t Assume You Know What Someone Will Do
3. Effective Communication Skills: Acknowledge Emotions Before Solving Problems

In a previous post on exercising your power of choice to get conflicts under control, I mentioned some specific actions to consider using to de-escalate conflicts.

In this post, I’m expanding on three of the actions with some additional thoughts on how to put them to work in your conflict resolution repertoire.

Here are three things you can do in virtually any conflict situation to improve the outcome.

1. Apologize

I seldom see conflict situations where all of the miscommunication, misunderstanding, or misinterpretation of intentions rests entirely on one person. You might not be totally at fault for the challenge that led to the conflict. Odds are, there is something you contributed to the early stages that helped it to escalate. Whatever that behavior, word choice or tone was, apologize for it.

Don’t apologize for how the other person feels or how they interpreted your actions. You can apologize for the action itself.

Apology is a powerful way to de-escalate conflict. When you apologize, remember that apologizing for your contribution does not mean that you have to take all of the blame. Just own your contribution.

2.  Forgive

Just as you should apologize for your contribution, be ready to accept their apology or ownership of responsibility. Resist the urge to take advantage of their show of vulnerability. Just forgive graciously.

In practice, you don’t even have to wait for an apology to forgive. You can forgive simply because you chose to do so. (And you can do it without holding it over the other person. Remember the gracious part.)

3.  Listen

As a general rule, people feel less angry or frustrated when they feel understood. When you listen without interrupting, correcting, or debating, you can help the other person feel understood. When you help them feel understood, you improve the odds of de-escalating the conflict.

I don’t propose that these actions are necessarily easy to do when emotions are high and the conflict is escalating. While they might not be easy to do, they are possible to do. And they are powerful steps you can consciously apply to help conflicts move towards resolution.

Related posts:

1. Be Careful What You Assume
2. Conflict Resolution Insights: Why Conflicts Escalate
3. Just Say “I’m Sorry”

Until people talk through their perspectives to the point that they feel heard and understood, they will find it difficult to come to a collective decision that they can all live with and act upon.

There where 18 powerful leaders from across the state of Indiana in this meeting – business leaders, educational leaders, and leaders of not-for-profit organizations. Eighteen people with different perspectives, different backgrounds, different view points, and strong opinions.

This organization is facing some pretty stiff challenges in both funding and organization. Each of these leaders is committed to the survival of the organization, and they each have different views of what their collective future looks likes.

In preparation for the meeting, I put together an agenda with a structured process designed to allow the time necessary to talk through issues with an eye towards driving decisions and commitments rather than just talk.

As we began the meeting and I led the group through the initial discussion steps, I could feel myself getting anxious. I began to get worried that we would spend too much time talking and not enough time deciding.

Remember – I built the agenda, and I started to get frustrated with the process.

And then, near the end of the meeting, we did an exercise designed to identify and rank obstacles the group needed to face in reaching their desired future. Quickly, in less than an hour, we listed, ranked and developed specific action plans for overcoming their biggest challenges.

It took us nearly four hours to reach the point that we could make a group decision. Four hours of talk about different perspectives and viewpoints so that we could drive to a conclusion in just a few minutes.

And that’s the observation that reminded me of the lesson I mentioned above.

The talking, even though it felt slow to me, was a vital part of the overall process. I’m pretty sure that if we had tried to rush or bypass those steps, we would not have been able to come to the final decisions with the unanimity of purpose and perspective that we did that day.

I believe that the process we used supported the group in coming to a conclusion, and the time to talk it out was a big part of the final success.

The next time you lead a group problem solving session, make sure you allow the time necessary to let everyone have their say. The time you invest in the process will come back to you many times over in the increased energy and productivity that the meeting generates.

Related posts:

1. Praise matters – Give four atta-boys for every one gotcha
2. Beware of Labels
3. Listen to the Person Before You Solve the Problem

I was helping my wife clean our living room, and I was, as I often am, thinking about what I could write here. I was not thinking about my wife, my kids, or my professional colleagues.

I was just thinking. (Remember, I am a recovering engineer. I am almost always “thinking.”)

I started thinking about how we often misinterpret other people’s meaning, and this little rhyme popped (almost) fully formed into my mind.

So, I share it here with you today:

I’ll never know your real intent,
Until I ask you what you meant.
And, if you choose, in your reply,
To then, tell me the reason why.

Related posts:

1. Six Questions to Make Sure You Have Communicated Effectively
2. Three Critical Factors to Consider Before You Choose a Communication Technique
3. Do This If You Want to Guarantee Conflict Escalation

As I read about, study, and work to apply effective conflict resolution techniques, I see one common and overwhelming problem develop in workplaces, families, and social organizations. I see the same problem develop just about everywhere I see people interact.

What is this huge problem?

People make assumptions about other people’s intentions.

Sadly, they often make wrong assumptions about the other person’s intentions.

This behavior is so common and so prevalent, I have written about it on at least two other occasions.

In one post, I told the story of how I started down the path of wrong assumptions in an interaction with my daughter.

In another post, I shared an observation I made about an interchange where one person based their entire interaction with another person on their assumptions about the other person’s intentions without ever asking for clarification.

Recently, I had the opportunity to observe another interchange between two people who got seriously engaged in a heated conversation because one of the parties took offense to what he believed to be the other person’s intentions. For the purposes of this post, let’s say their names are John and Joe.

In a small meeting setting, Joe raised a question about something John had proposed in a previous meeting. I heard Joe question the proposed approach to solving a problem. Apparently, John heard Joe question the necessity of solving the problem.

John’s body went almost immediately rigid as he turned to face and lean toward Joe. His voice tone grew sharp, and his volume went up. In all fairness to John, I don’t really know what he was thinking. I did perceive his tone and body language to become aggressive.

The conversation got progressively more heated as Joe and John spoke.

As they continued, John made direct, negative comments about his view of Joe’s intentions. He used words like:

• “You just said that because you want to…”
• “You didn’t have the courage to speak earlier about…”
• “I knew you would do this to me…”

In rapid succession, John manged to:

• Negatively label Joe’s intentions,
• Attack Joe’s character, and
• Express his view that Joe was doing something “to” him.

It only got worse from there, and it all began with John’s assumption about Joe’s intention.

John immediately assumed that Joe had a negative intention. His response followed the classic conflict escalation cycle almost perfectly. From this negative interpretation, he went to anger (my interpretation of his emotional state), and both parties found themselves locked in a negative conversational spiral.

Had John been willing to question his assumptions about Joe’s intention and then to engage in conversation and dialogue rather than in attack and recrimination, the situation would likely have gone in a totally different direction.

The next time you find your assumptions about another person’s intention leaning towards the negative, stop yourself for just a moment and question your assumptions.

• Did they mean that as an attack or simply as a statement of their opinion?
• Are they attacking my character or are they just trying to understand my approach?
• Did they mean what I think they mean?

I’m sure you get the point. Take just a moment to slow down and question your assumptions before you dive into the conversation.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution from John Wooden – What’s Right Not Who’s Right
2. Conflict Resolution Insights: Why Conflicts Escalate
3. Conflict Resolution Tips: See Others Fairly

These situations caused me to reflect on what happens in conflict:

• How it gets started,
• How it escalates, and
• What you can do to de-escalate it.

I was also wondering if these situations happen in your life. Here’s what I mean, you know what you should do in a given situation, the situation occurs, and then you do exactly the opposite of what you knew to do.

Since I’m guessing that I’m not alone in this struggle, I thought I would interrupt my series of posts on Frequently Asked Questions About the DISC Model by mixing in a few posts on understanding the dynamics of conflict escalation.

Using this post as a starting point, we can then look at how to avoid or minimize this problem in our lives.

In this post, I will quickly show a model of what often happens during conflict escalation. By understanding the model, we can plan positive steps to back conflicts down after they start. I’m drawing some of this post content from a video course I am developing on resolving personal workplace conflicts. I’ll share more on that later.

The escalation cycle generally starts with one person (I’ll call them Person A) doing or saying something that the other person (Person B) perceives as a threat. Notice the key word: perceives. It doesn’t really matter if Person A meant their words or actions as a threat. It only matters if Person B sees the words or actions as a threat.

This perception of threat can take many forms, and it is likely linked to the anger process I wrote about previously.

Once Person B perceives a threat, they will probably move to anger and then behave in a self-protective way out of that anger.

Person A now perceives Person B’s behavior as a threat.

Person A follows the same perception-anger-behavior pattern and further contributes to the conflict escalation as shown in the video above and the image below. (Click on the image for a larger view.)
I plan to revisit the specific things we can do to reverse this cycle in future posts. For now, I’ll leave you with this observation: either person can take steps to de-escalate the conflict.

They can either:

Recognize the problem and change their behavior so that the other person no longer perceives a threat.

— or —

Question their perception in order to get their own anger under control.

In practice, the person taking responsibility would likely do both.

In an ideal world, both parties would take responsibility, stop blaming, and move to resolution. Even in our less than perfect world, either party can take the right actions and move to resolve the conflict with or without the other person’s cooperation.

Related posts:

1. Three Actions You Can Take to De-escalate Conflicts
2. Conflict Resolution Techniques: Question Your Assumptions
3. Why Your Natural Response to Conflict is Probably Wrong & What You Can Do About It

Just yesterday, I had an interchange with someone close to me (not in my family, but still close) that didn’t go very well. This person asked me a question that I perceived negatively, and I got angry.

His wording was a little off, and he got mildly put-off with me as well. However, he didn’t mean to irritate me. He had no intention of asking the question that got me going in a way that I would perceive as an attack. Still, I perceived it as an attack, and I got mad.

Yes, I was a bit tired from working some late nights. It is true that I have been sick for the last two days, and I wasn’t feeling well. It is also true that his request came to me when I was working under some deadlines to get projects done that were rather pressing. All of these pressures probably made me a little more on edge than usual. And still, I overreacted.

Fortunately, we met face to face shortly after our text/phone interchange, and we quickly resolved the issue. That was good.

Here are the key learning points for all of us (me included):

• Pick the right time and place to confront a miscommunication – on a cell phone while both of you are driving is probably not a good idea.
• Be on guard at all times for misperception – yours and theirs. (In this case, I should have been doubly on-guard given my physical state at the time.)
• When things go astray, be ready to meet personally with the person to work it out.
• Be willing to apologize for whatever you did to contribute to the conflict.

The reality of life is that you will have conflicts and that knowing intellectually how to resolve them will not make you immune to them. They will often happen when you let your guard down and allow your emotional “buttons” to get “pushed.”  That is certainly what I experienced in this event.

As I get farther away from the event, I begin to wonder: “How did I let myself get so angry so quickly?” The answer, I think, is that I was reacting to a question rather than thinking about the person asking the question and the whole situation. I was judgmental rather than curious. In short, I let my buttons get pushed by someone who had no intention to do so.

So, as I work to get over myself, I encourage you to do the same. Know your emotional triggers, be aware of how they could get unintentionally triggered, and watch your step in communications with others. I don’t propose that you or I will ever be perfect at doing this. We can work at it and attempt to get better.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Techniques: Question Your Assumptions
2. Conflict Resolution Lesson: Recognize Redirected Aggression
3. Conflict Resolution Insights: Why Conflicts Escalate

I’m guilty myself. I see a problem. I assume other people see the problem and that they will define it the same way that I define it. I assume that we all understand what the criteria for a “good” solution will be. And I dive head-first into a conversation where I try to “sell” my solution to the problem as I see it.

Here’s a thought: stop discussing the solution until we agree on the definition of the problem.

In the process, you might ask questions like:

• Do we both agree that there is a problem?
• What is the problem?
• What is the scope of the problem?
• What is causing the problem?
• What would a good solution look like?

Until we reach agreement on these starting questions, we can never agree on the solution to the problem.

How many conflicts could we resolve, reduce, or even eliminate if we all stopped talking about the solution long enough to understand our different ways of defining the problem?

Photo courtesy of www.sxc.hu.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Prevention: Just Fix the Problem