If you want to become more effective as a leader, more successful in meetings, or more confident while resolving conflicts, become a better communicator.

On the high end of the communication skill spectrum, you find that great leaders — like Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King, Jr — are often great communicators. On the low-end, research indicates that poor communication skills can contribute to family disputes escalating to domestic violence. (Check the discussion section of this article.)

Evidence from research, experience, and anecdotal observation points to higher levels of success and satisfaction and lower levels of stress and frustration as your communication skills improve.

With that backdrop, here are four ways you can improve almost all of your communications (presented roughly in the order I suggest you follow):

1.  Learn how other people might hear, see, or interpret your messages

One concept that often surfaces in my communication workshops, is that communication comes from the Latin word that also gives us the English word common. This observation implies that communication makes ideas, thoughts, and concepts commonly understood — even if not agreed upon —  between two or more people.

In order to make ideas common, it becomes important to understand both sides of the communication. You need to understand both how your idea sounds to the other person and what the other person means with the words they use. What you say might mean something other than what you intend to the other person. What the other person says might mean, to them, something other than what you hear.

Long-time readers of my blog know that I use and recommend the DISC model as one tool for accomplishing this step. There are factors to consider other than communication style (e.g. – culture, gender, age, etc.). Still, it’s a great place to start.

The goal of this “step” is to get a clear picture of how the differences between you and the other person might affect your communication efforts.

2.  ”Observe” your perspective

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I have not yet mastered this concept. It’s really hard to do, and I’m not sure that any of us will ever truly perfect it. It’s a good goal nonetheless.

Here’s the idea, learn to step back from your first interpretation of a statement or behavior and look for how your perspective, or filter, might be affecting your response. There’s more to this one step than I can effectively cover in this post, but David Rock shares exercises you can do to build your skill in this area in Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long.

As you develop this skill, the next two steps become easier to do.

3.  Listen actively

If the goal is to make an idea common, you must work to understand the other person’s thinking before you can truly communicate. Active listening involves much more than just hearing the words. It involves total focus on what the other person is attempting to communicate. For more thoughts, you can check this post on listening skills.

4.  Get and give feedback during the communication process

It’s easy to say something and assume that the other person heard what you meant. It’s also easy to hear something and to assume that you understood what the other person meant. Until you confirm mutual understanding, you will be operating on assumptions and interpretations rather than on facts.

Well phrased questions (combined with some active listening) form the basis for effective feedback, and a mis-communication could happen in either direction. A few weeks ago, I wrote a post with some ideas for confirming that the other person understands your words the way you intended them. To confirm that you understood the other person they way that they want to be understood, you can use the questions listed here.

Frankly, communication can be difficult. We do it virtually every day, and we often do not communicate as clearly as we think or intend. One of my favorite quotes on communication (I think I have quoted it before on this blog) is by George Bernard Shaw: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

I find that I have to frequently remind myself of key communication concepts in order to apply them with any consistency. For the next week, I encourage you to consciously focus on these four ways to improve your communication and watch the positive difference they will make in your communication effectiveness and the reduction they will make in your stress and frustration levels when you interact with others.

(I recently wrote a special report that amplifies these ideas a bit and presents a five step model for better communication. You can get a copy here.)

Related posts:

1. Seven Ways to Improve Your Communication During a Conflict
2. Beware of Labels
3. Three Critical Factors to Consider Before You Choose a Communication Technique

Before you start looking for the right communication technique or words to use to convey an idea, you must consider three critical factors. They are not complicated. They are important. Failure to include them in your thinking, could lead to a failed communication.

Proper consideration of these three factors coupled with understanding the underlying principles of communication and conflict resolution will lead you to successful, powerful, and effective communications.

The general principles, concepts, and mindsets of effective communication are simple to say. In fact, they pretty much reduce to:

• Assume the other person has benign intent until you definitely learn otherwise.
• Communicate in ways that do not project a threat to the other person.
• Make it easy for the other person to receive your message.
• Close the loop on your communications to make sure you understood correctly and that the other person understood you correctly.

This list is probably not inclusive of every key communication principle. It does include the basic, underlying ideas for most of the techniques and approaches that I teach in workshops, help coaching clients to implement, and that I work to apply in my personal life. They are simple enough to express, and they are often difficult to apply.

Application becomes difficult because of the three critical factors I mentioned above. The foundational principles and core ideas combined with the three factors accounts for the wide range of possible communication strategies you could apply in a given situation.

The three factors are:

Your Message

In many cases, this is the first factor that most people consider, and they often consider it only from their perspective.  If stated out loud, most people’s thinking would probably sound like this: “Here’s what I want to say.”

In reality, your message has two parts:

1. The message you are attempting to deliver, and
2. The message that the other person receives.

The second part of your message – the other person’s perception of it – is at least as important as the message you intend to deliver. As you choose your approach, make sure you consider both sides of the message.

Your understanding and consideration of the next two factors significantly influences how the other person receives your communication.

Your Relationship

The nature of your relationship with the other person must figure in your thinking as you communicate with him or her. While the general principles remain the same, the specific strategy for communicating with your supervisor is different from the strategy you would use with your colleagues or with people who report to you.

If there is a power mismatch between you and the other person, it could increase the perception of threat felt by either party. Keep this in mind as you plan your communications. If you are the “superior” party, you might have to work a little harder to take any subtly implied threat out of your communications.  If you are in the “subordinate” position, you might hear threats that are not intended.

The Context

Where are you during the communication? Is it spoken or written, on the phone or face-to-face, one-on-one or in a group setting? Each of these situations – contexts – calls for a different consideration as you choose your communication tactics and techniques.

The bottom-line is this: if you are looking for silver-bullet, one-size-fits-all communication strategies – look no further. You will not find them.

Work on building your communication tool kit, develop and practice multiple approaches and phrases to use in different situations and with different people, and learn to read situations so that you can choose the best communication tool for the job. Do these things well, and you will become a remarkable communicator.

As you look for the right tool for the job in various situations, remember the three critical factors to improve your odds of success.

Related posts:

1. Four Ways to Improve Your Communication
2. Beware of Labels
3. Six Questions to Make Sure You Have Communicated Effectively

A little over a week ago, my wife and I drove our daughter from Indiana to Texas to begin her freshman year of college. On the return trip, we drove through Oklahoma. As is common this time of year, we encountered road construction marked with a sign similar to the one above, and I felt frustrated as I thought about the coming  delay.

We then saw another sign with additional information. The sign with additional information gave us an estimate of both the actual speed and the estimated time in minutes that we could expect to drive through the construction zone, and I felt relieved.

The actual speed was much slower than the posted speed. The estimated time we would drive in the construction zone was longer than I wanted to experience. The delay was the same, and, still, I felt relieved.

At that moment I gained a powerful insight into heading off conflicts before they start.

As I wrote previously about why your natural response to conflict is probably wrong and how conflicts escalate, we often feel angry or frustrated as conflicts get started — just as I felt frustrated when I first saw the construction signs.

In my driving situation, the frustration dissipated when I got further information. The speed I could drive and the time I would likely spend in the construction zone did not change. The delay I would  face did not change. Nothing about my experience would change.

The change in my frustration level came from knowledge about what to expect.  And that is the insight I had about heading off conflict.

When you communicate clearly about what people can expect in the future — even when they do not like what they will experience  — you will probably reduce the frustration and anger levels they feel as a result of the experience. By reducing their frustration and anger levels, you can reduce the emotional energy that they bring to their interactions with you about the issue in question. When you reduce the emotional energy, you reduce the risk that the communication will escalate to a destructive conflict.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Prevention: Just Fix the Problem
2. Conflict Resolution from John Wooden – What’s Right Not Who’s Right
3. How to Tell If a Conflict is Good or Bad

Have you ever seen or been involved in a conflict conversation where one person said: “I knew that you were going to say that!”

If you have, you probably noticed that the conflict intensity escalated from that point forward.

This type of statement is aggressive. It says that how you anticipate another person will react is a forgone conclusion rather than an expectation. It leaves no room for the other person’s autonomy and self-control. It subtly places you in an intellectually and emotionally “superior” position relative to the other person.

Saying that you “know” what someone else will do or say is like saying that you can unzip his head and know what’s going on even before he does.

If you want to create more conflict and escalate the emotional level of your conversation, tell someone that you “knew” she would react however she did.

If you want to leave room for conflict resolution and effective communication, strike this type of comment from your conflict repertoire and apply these seven ways to improve your communication during a conflict.

Related posts:

1. Be Careful What You Assume
2. Conflict Resolution Tips: The Power of Patience
3. Conflict Resolution Tips: See Others Fairly

Sometimes, life gets messy — as shown by the picture of the living area in my home this morning.

When I first walked through this area on my way to get a cup of coffee and some breakfast, I felt a bit stressed.

My family was still asleep, and I had a full day of work planned in my home office. The mess felt a bit overwhelming and out of control.

If you look carefully by the rocking chair near the middle of the picture, you will see an insulated coffee cup. That cup represents the time I spent reading, reflecting, and planning before starting my day.

My morning reading included Today We Are Rich by Tim Sanders, and my reflection included writing in my Gratefulness Journal (an idea I got from the book).

As I wrote a list of things for which I am grateful, I looked around the mess in my home, and I saw evidence of:

• One daughter’s recent high school graduation and the celebration that followed
• Another daughter’s four day HOBY leadership seminar experience
• Two daughters who love listening to and playing music
• My dad’s hastily celebrated birthday while my parents visited our home for graduation ceremonies
• A community service project that my wife helped to organize
• A wife who worked hard to keep up with laundry during the last three action-packed weeks
• The opportunity that my wife and I had to work at the HOBY leadership seminar
• People who came home at the end of long days of serving and working with others too tired to put away the mess
• Business projects and opportunities that I have worked on while my wife kept everything else moving forward

As I re-framed my view of the mess in terms of the lives, relationships, and experiences that it represented, it transformed from stressful to soothing.

The lesson in this for leaders is to, at least for a short time, embrace messiness because of what the mess represents.

Your mess might by physical, like the one in my home this morning, or more intangible, like a long to-do list or a hectic project schedule. In either case, learn to embrace the temporary disarray, disorganization, and messiness because of the growth and progress it represents.

You can’t live with the mess forever — eventually you’ll have to clean it up. In the meantime though, find a way to frame it positively so that you can find the energy and enthusiasm to lead positively.

Now, I think I’ll go take another look at the mess and the memories it represents before my wife and kids get it cleaned-up.

Related posts:

1. Commit to Continual Learning – Life Lessons From Cal Ripken, Jr
2. Rules Without Relationship Breeds Rebellion
3. Conflict Resolution from John Wooden – What’s Right Not Who’s Right

In previous posts, I have written about a model for understanding what motivates behavior and three clues you can use to find what motivates another person.

Today, I’ll share some quick insights about what motivates people based on their DISC behavioral style.

A person who has outgoing and task-oriented (Dominant) traits is often motivated by:

• Solving problems
• Conquering challenging situations
• Getting results

And they will often prefer to work at a fast pace with a focus on quick results and direct action.

A person who has outgoing and people-oriented (Inspiring) traits is often motivated by:

• The opportunity to interact with others
• Public recognition
• Varied activities

And they will often prefer to work at a fast pace with a focus on doing things in a fun way that does not require high attention to detail.

A person who has reserved and people-oriented (Supp0rtive) traits is often motivated by:

• Teamwork
• The opportunity to help others
• Feeling appreciated for their contribution

And they will often prefer to work at a steady pace with a focus on doing the work process in a way that minimizes risk and strengthens relationships.

A person who has reserved and task-oriented (Cautious) traits is often motivated by:

• Structuring or organizing things
• Researching or searching for information
• Finding the “right” solution for a problem

And they will often prefer to work alone with a focus on details and proper structure.

As you work to apply this information in your personal and professional life, remember that people have varying degrees of all of these traits in their behavioral style blends and that you are likely to observe at least two of the four styles to a significant degree in most people.

The information in this post is only intended to give you a basic framework for understanding what might motivate another person. It is not intended as a complete and exhaustive description of how the DISC model might reveal motivational patterns and preferences.

Related posts:

1. Employee Motivation Tips: Their Personal Life
2. Employee Motivation Tips: The Why Matters
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?

Many leaders struggle with finding ways to motivate people to higher level performance.

I have already written that you cannot motivate another person. So, let’s set aside the idea that the leader provides the motivation and move on to the idea that a leader can learn to identify the things that do motivate the people on his or her team.

In previous posts, I wrote about Three Clues You Can Use to Find What Motivates Another Person and A Simple Model for Understanding What Drives Behavior. In this post, I’m offering a thought to expand the idea that you can look at a person’s hobbies and interests to find clues about what motivates him and then apply that insight as you assign and delegate tasks.

Current motivation research, like the research Daniel Pink shares in Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, indicates that excessive reliance on extrinsic motivators — rewards, praise and prizes — can eventually have a negative impact on overall motivation.

A quick look at the model I shared previously could lead to the conclusion that the consequences referenced in that model refer only to externally applied rewards, prizes, bonuses, recognition, etc.

A deeper look reveals that a consequence is anything a person experiences as a result of her behavior. So, the emotions and personal satisfaction that people experience from their behaviors can be consequences that drive behavior. These emotions fall into the category of intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivators, and it is these emotions that people’s hobbies often reveal.

For example, I like woodworking, writing, building websites, working on my house, landscaping, and cooking. These activities show that part of what motivates me is analyzing and solving problems. When I do things that give me that opportunity, the work itself becomes a motivator because it gives me the emotional satisfaction of analyzing and solving a problem.

These hobbies also reveal that I tend to like working alone. I can (and do) call on customers and socialize with people. However, these activities are work to me.

My hobbies are play to me.

Work tires and play energizes.

A wise leader hoping to “motivate” me to higher performance would, as much as possible within the confines of the business need, give me assignments that maximized my ability to analyze and solve problems.

As you look for what motivates your team members, remember to look at their hobbies and interests for clues you can use to work with them in a way that taps their intrinsic motivation as much as possible.

Side note – Parents can use this idea with their children as well. What activities energize your kids and which ones drain them?

Related posts:

1. Employee Motivation Tips: Their DISC Behavior Style
2. Employee Motivation Tips: The Why Matters
3. The 5 Be’s of Motivation

In a recent post, I presented a simple model for understanding what drives our behavior.

According to the model, punishments (negative or unpleasant consequences) can reduce the likelihood that a behavior will repeat in the future. This observation implies that leaders can hope to eliminate “bad” behaviors by using punishment and discipline strategies.

If you face a situation where you need to eliminate inappropriate workplace (or family) behaviors, then you can apply negative consequences to achieve your goals. And, you might achieve partial success.

Using only negative consequences might eliminate a “bad” behavior. This approach will not guarantee that a “good” behavior will happen in its place.

According to the model I presented previously, we choose our behaviors from among the behaviors we perceive are available to us in a situation.

By making the consequences for one choice painful enough, you might encourage the person you are working with to choose a different behavior.  If you do not explicitly define the behavior that you would like to replace the “bad” behavior in question AND make the consequences for the new behavior positive, you run the risk of encouraging him to choose a third option that is even worse than the behavior you hoped he would change.

As you work to become a more effective leader, parent, teacher, coach, or friend, remember that only positive consequences for desired behaviors will encourage people to repeat those behaviors in the future.

When you  apply the model I wrote about previously, remember to:

• Beware of perception error
• Understand the application of both positive and negative consequences
• Explore all consequences the other person might experience (both tangible and emotional). In other words, think beyond the external consequences that you “apply” to the other person.

Most importantly, remember that…

You cannot punish people into good behavior.

Related posts:

1. A Simple Model for Understanding What Drives Behavior
2. The 5 Be’s of Motivation
3. Praise matters – Give four atta-boys for every one gotcha

The diagram above shows a simplified model for better understanding what drives behavior.

Since people often spend their lives studying and understanding what really drives our behavior, I am pretty confident that I cannot hope to fully cover the topic in this short post.

I can provide a quick overview you can use to diagnose what’s happening in your interactions with other people and how you might be able to modify your approaches to get better results, have more fun, experience more satisfying relationships, and make sense of what you see people do.

Here’s a simplified description of what the model shows:

1. We enter a situation.
2. We anticipate the outcome we want from that situation.
3. We choose the behavior that (we hope) gives us that outcome.

This description leads to the following implication:

We choose our behaviors based on what we expect to happen after we do them.

The consequence is what we expect that we will experience as a result of our behaviors. In this context, a consequence is anything that we experience as a result of our behavior. A consequence might be some external thing we receive or get because of our behavior. A consequence can also be the feelings we get from the behavior.

As you might guess, we tend to avoid negative consequences and to pursue positive consequences.  As a result, negative consequences (like punishments) tend to discourage repeating behaviors and positive consequences (like rewards) tend to encourage behaviors to repeat in the future.

Part of the challenge with applying this model in practice comes from a common error known as perception error. Perception error happens because not every person sees every consequence the same way. What one person sees as a reward; a different person might see as a punishment.

You can use the  DISC model to gain insights to avoid perception error.

For example, public recognition might be a reward for an outgoing, people-oriented person and it might be a punishment for a reserved, people-oriented person.

You can also apply the 5 Be’s of Motivation as you work with other people to encourage better interactions and results.

Remember, this is a very quick, very simplified description of this model and it’s implications. I’ll offer more insights in future posts.

Related posts:

1. You Cannot Punish People into Good Behavior
2. The DISC Model of Human Behavior – A Quick Overview
3. Employee Motivation Tips: Their DISC Behavior Style

The DISC Model of Human Behavior is, as the name implies, about behavior. And, to apply it well, I suggest looking beyond behavior to the needs behind the behavior to really use it to connect and communicate with other people more effectively.

To illustrate the point, consider the refrigerator shown above. While this one has no food in it, I imagine you can think of a time when you opened a refrigerator door to check the contents. I also imagine that many of the times when you have stood with the door open were times when you were hungry and looking for food.

Looking in the refrigerator (the behavior) was the expression of an unmet need (you were hungry).

And, if you found an empty refrigerator enough times, you just might decide to escalate your behavior by leaving your house to get food.

People tend to behave in ways that get their needs met. When their needs are unmet, they will continue escalating their behaviors in an increasingly intense effort to meet their needs.

Food is a physical need, and we will act to get food when we do not have it. Likewise, we all have certain emotional/psychological needs, and we also act to get them met.

The DISC model is one tool that you can use to get an estimate of another person’s emotional/psychological needs so that you can take positive, intentional actions that increase your ability to effectively connect and communicate with him or her.

I only plan to hit some high spots with this post, and I certainly do not want to present this brief article as a comprehensive guide. There are many other factors to consider when it comes to understanding other people’s needs. And, the DISC model is still a good tool you can use to make an educated guess.

With that caveat said, here are some general needs you can consider as you work to understand yourself and others:

• Outgoing, task-oriented, Dominant individuals often need:
  choices, challenges, and control.
• Outgoing, people-oriented, Inspiring individuals often need:
  recognition,  approval, and admiration.
• Reserved, people-oriented, Supportive individuals often need:
  appreciation, security, and assurance.
• Reserved, task-oriented, Cautious individuals often need:
  quality answers, value and excellence.

When you work to understand these needs and to see other people’s behaviors through the filter of their needs rather than your own, you can make the adjustments to  your communication style that allows you to meet — or at least not challenge — another person’s needs so that you can create an environment for mutual gain.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Applying the DISC Model: Breaking Through A Common Frustration
3. DISC Model Frequently Asked Questions