Rules, expectations, and guidelines tell us the limits of our behavior. They help us know what is and is not acceptable in the eyes of the people close to us and within larger groups of people.

And, as the title of this post says, rules without relationship breeds rebellion.

I cannot take credit for this statement. I heard it from a Bud to Boss workshop participant in Indianapolis this past June. And still, I like the clarity and simplicity of what the statement says.

Some people will read this post and respond that relationship and rules have nothing to do with each other. That people should just follow the rules regardless of the relationship they have with the person enforcing them.

I would reply: take a look at the title of this blog and remember that I am a recovering engineer. I am hard-wired to view rules as the things you live by regardless of the circumstances. Actually, I love rules. They give me comfort and security.

And, my observations and experience tell me that rules without relationship create more problems than they solve.

In the context of this blog, I am not addressing the rules, regulations, and laws of our larger society. I’m pointing towards closer personal and professional relationships. I’m thinking in terms of families, business, churches, and civic organizations. I’m talking about situations where you know, live, and work closely with the other person.

For example, in my role as a parent, I have certain rules and expectations of my two daughters. I expect them to follow those rules for the good of the family. And, if I lean only on the rules and ignore building a relationship with them, I will get rebellion rather than willing compliance.

Just as some people who lean heavily on the rules might read the title and challenge it, other people could agree to the point that they say rules don’t really matter at all. They might say that only relationship matters as a leader. Well, I wouldn’t go that far either.

Like so many other issues that surface in the discussion of how to lead a team (business, sports, family, church, etc), the rule-relationship issue is a both-and scenario rather than an either-or scenario. By that I mean that you need both rules and relationship to make it work. (For more on the either-or extremes, check this post on the task-people perspective difference.)

Rules set the context and the expectations of behavior. Relationship paves the way for communication about those expectations.

You can and should set and enforce rules. And, you should develop a relationship before you attempt to enforce them.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
3. Task-Oriented vs People-Oriented: A Common Source of Conflict

My Boat - USS Benjamin Franklin

Twenty-one years ago this month I left the U.S. Navy, got married, and began my civilian career.

A lot has happened in those twenty-one years. I have moved from South Carolina to New Jersey to Michigan and to Indiana. I have worked in large multi-national corporations, small family-owned businesses, and in my own business. I have become a father. I have faced financial ups and downs. I have experienced health challenges and been with family members through their health challenges. I helped to care for my aging mother-in-law until I had the privilege of being with her as she passed away.

A lot happened while I served as a submarine officer in the Navy and since. All of it has contributed to making me who I am today.

Even though I served in the U.S. military, when people ask for veterans to stand or raise their hands, I do it in a sort of  self-conscious way. In many respects, I don’t feel totally worthy of being called a “veteran” because I don’t really see my service as being a great sacrifice or struggle. While I learned a great deal about myself, about working with people, about problem solving, and about responding to crises, my experience seems a little insignificant compared to the service of others.

I never faced anything like the men and women of our armed forces face today or in any of the wars prior to my time in service. In the midst of my training for and response to life-and-death situations, the most significant casualty I faced was a fire on-board our submarine that lasted about one minute. The most physical hardship I faced was nine days without showers due to an equipment malfunction. Not so significant when compared with facing IED’s on roadsides every day.

On one Veteran’s Day a year or so ago, my daughter had a discussion with her teacher about my service. When her teacher asked which war I had served in, she said: “The Cold War.” It was funny, and it was true. I “fought” the Cold War.

Last Friday, I got up around 4:00 am to fly from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania back to Indianapolis. On this journey, I had about a two hour layover scheduled between flights in Detroit. My two hour layover eventually became a seven hour layover due to mechanical problems with the plane.

Another person on the flight from Detroit to Indianapolis was a U.S. soldier who began his travels somewhere in Iraq. He had already made 18 hops in his 2.5 day journey home, and he just wanted to see his wife and kids for three days. Tomorrow he begins his 2.5 day return journey back to his duty station in Iraq.

We spoke a bit during our time together in Detroit. Sadly, I do not know his name. I know a little of his story, and I saw his two young children waiting for him with “Welcome Home” signs at the Indianapolis airport. We only got the chance to briefly connect. As is often the case in group conversations like the one we had in Detroit, the roughly forty of us that were waiting together shared conversation, but we didn’t get very personal.

As we waited, I saw several people get really agitated with Delta Airlines. True, they could have done a better job of keeping us informed about the status of our delay. But, was it really that big of a deal? I noticed that the solider who had been traveling for 2.5 days to spend 3 days at home never got angry. He was as frustrated as anyone, and he kept his cool. He seemed to be able to keep the short-term situation in perspective compared to the bigger picture of his life and experiences.

Memorial Day is for people like him who serve in harms way and the people who have given their lives in service to their country. It is a day to remember their service and sacrifice.

And, as we face little daily struggles like delayed flights, traffic congestion, children who forget things at school, and a thousand other minor daily irritations, let’s remember to keep things in perspective.

Related posts:

1. Just Be Nice

I have noticed one behavior many of us use that almost guarantees that our suggestions, solutions, and opinions will be ignored when we offer them:

We tell people what to do before we have heard their whole story.

When we offer people suggestions, solutions, and opinions before we have heard them out, they often do not care what we have to say. So, they rarely listen to and fully comprehend what we are suggesting.

The suggestion might be useful. It might be right on target. It might be exactly what the other person needs to hear.

And, they probably won’t hear it.

If you speak too soon, you’re just trying to push fluid into an already full container.

Offering suggestions before people have told their whole story is like having a doctor prescribe medication or treatment before listening to all of the symptoms.

I once had numbness and tingling in my foot. I went to my doctor, and he asked a whole battery of questions before prescribing a treatment plan. He asked about my physical activity, other pains or sensations I had in other parts of my body, how my leg felt, etc.

In the end, we identified the source of the numbness in my foot to be a problem in my lower back. It could have been any number of other problems. If he had jumped on the numbness in my foot without digging further into my other symptoms, he could have prescribed a wonderful treatment for a problem that had nothing to do with my problem.

In this case, he chose to diagnose the problem before he prescribed a solution.

When we work with other people, we need to keep this idea in mind.

We may have valuable experience to offer. We may have seen this problem before. We might even have a great, simple solution to offer.

And it just doesn’t matter if we offer the suggestion, solution, or opinion in a way that virtually guarantees that the other person ignores or discounts our input.

As you work with others and attempt to share your experience, remember the lesson from my doctor:

Ask, listen, and diagnose before you prescribe.

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. Rules Without Relationship Breeds Rebellion
3. How To Get People To Do What You Want

When you find yourself communicating with a person who is reserved and task-oriented (primary Cautious behavioral style), remember these key communication tips:

• Slow down — they usually want you to give them time to process what you’re saying before they respond.
• Use data and third-party information to support your position — they want to know that you have done your homework.
• Talk about thoughts more than feelings — while they are not totally unemotional, they are more likely to be persuaded by thoughts than by feelings.
• Listen thoroughly to their concerns and objections — they want you to take the time to understand all of the thoughts and concerns they have so that they can be sure you have completely and accurately thought through your position.
• Give good, logic and data-based reasons for your thoughts and requests — more than any of the other behavioral styles, people with strong Cautious traits want to know “why” you want to do something before they will take action on it.

Remember these suggestions the next time you interact with people who are slower-paced and task-oriented, and you will improve the odds that they listen to, understand, and take action on your message.

Check this post, for more insights on how to guess at a person’s DISC style.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, Task-Oriented People
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People

When you find yourself communicating with a person who is reserved and people-oriented (primary Supportive behavioral style), remember these key communication tips:

• Slow down — they usually want you to give them time to process what you’re saying before they respond.
• Show that you care about them — if you come across as focused only on the task at hand, you run the risk of offending them.
• Use stories and experiences more than facts and figures — like people who have a strong Inspiring trait, they tend to relate to the communication of emotion over the communication of facts.
• Use gentle hand gestures and voice tones — they might perceive abrupt motions and/or loud voice tones as angry, and they generally do not respond well to anger or direct confrontation.
• Ask more indirect questions than direct questions — if you come across as very bottom-line, you might appear aggressive from their perspective.

Remember these suggestions the next time you interact with people who are slower-paced and people-oriented, and you will improve the odds that they listen to, understand, and take action on your message.

Check this post, for more insights on how to guess at a person’s DISC style.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, Task-Oriented People
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, Task-Oriented People

When you find yourself communicating with a person who is outgoing and people-oriented (primary Inspiring behavioral style), remember these key communication tips:

• Smile — they tend to be very much in-tune with your body language and facial expressions as a way to “read” your emotions.
• Show some enthusiasm — if you seem bored, they will be bored.
• Use stories and experiences more than facts and figures — they tend to relate to the communication of emotion over the communication of facts.
• Be friendly and not too business like — they respond better to people who like them.
• Ask about them, their family, and their friends — they tend to connect on a personal level before they are concerned with doing business, they want to know that you care about them.

Remember these suggestions the next time you interact with people who are fast-paced and people-oriented, and you will improve the odds that they listen to, understand, and take action on your message.

Check this post, for more insights on how to guess at a person’s DISC style.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, Task-Oriented People
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, Task-Oriented People

One way to improve your communication effectiveness is to communicate in a way that best fits the other person’s DISC behavioral style.

When you find yourself communicating with a person who is outgoing and task-oriented (primary Dominant behavioral style), remember these key communication tips:

• Get to the point quickly — offer the results or conclusions and then your data or analysis.
• Focus on results and outcomes — process and feelings are less important to them than results.
• Give them options — they want the opportunity to choose.
• Look them in the eye and speak-up —  they seldom have patience for people who do not have confidence.
• Show them respect — they also want you to show respect for them, their position, and their work.

Remember these suggestions the next time you interact with people who are fast-paced and task-oriented, and you will improve the odds that they listen to, understand, and take action on your message.

Check this post, for more insights on how to guess at a person’s DISC style.

Related posts:

1. Communication Tips: Connecting With Outgoing, People-Oriented People
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, Task-Oriented People
3. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Communication Tips: Connecting With Reserved, People-Oriented People
3. Connecting With People

Over the last few months, I’ve given some thought to what I consider to be the Top 7 Secrets for Resolving Personal Workplace Conflict, and I have recorded an audio program that is available now.

While the program is targeted at personal workplace conflict resolution, you can use the insights from it to minimize and resolve family conflicts as well. (After all, people are people. Only the context changes. The principles remain the same.)

Here’s what you’ll find on this audio program:

• Ways of looking at conflict that you may have never considered.
• How to apply powerful psychological principles in a practical way to help you control your response and develop influence with others.
• Two secrets that may initially seem contrary to what seems like the right thing to do. In fact you might do just the opposite of what these two secrets will tell you to do if you don’t know better.
• A secret that may seem obvious when you hear it, and you will be surprised how often people get it wrong in practice.
• Three secrets that are technique based. I’ll show you specific things you can do to reduce conflicts.
• Three secrets that are insights to how you should think about and prepare for your conflict resolution efforts.
• Powerful tips, techniques, and insights you can use immediately to resolve all types of conflicts in your life – specifically those conflicts that occur in the workplace

I am also working on a website to deliver content like this via download and/or streaming audio and video. That site should be ready soon. I’ll announce it here when I’ve finished developing the content to make it a useful relationship building and conflict resolution training resource. In the meantime, the Top 7 Secrests CD is ready now on this page.

Related posts:

1. Conflict Resolution Tips: Task Oriented People with People Oriented Individuals
2. Conflict Resolution Techniques: Question Your Assumptions
3. Conflict Resolution Tips: People Oriented Individuals with Task Oriented People

Related posts:

1. The DISC Model of Human Behavior – A Quick Overview