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1. The DISC Model of Human Behavior – A Quick Overview

I have seen this concept discussed in a number of ways and in a variety of contexts. And today, I was reminded of the importance of this concept in virtually every area of our lives. Specifically, I received feedback from a coaching client about how this concept had helped her in her professional life.

This particular person is a hard-working, intelligent, kind, and capable person. She, like many of us, has one or two challenging professional relationships. In her case, she likes, trusts, respects AND has a challenge with one of her colleagues.

Because they work in an environment that is dynamic and rapidly changing, she often has conversations on new projects, initiatives, and ideas. Sometimes, she does not think of every question to ask for clarity and understanding at the time of her initial conversation about new projects with this colleague. In the past in these situations, she found that she felt criticized and ridiculed when she had to go back for clarity a day or so later.

She knew that she needed clarity, and the feeling of being criticized when she went back to her colleague resulted in her avoiding the follow-up conversations.

In one of our coaching calls a few weeks ago, I suggested that she tell the person in advance that she might have further questions when she got back to her desk and that she would likely call the next day to get answers on these questions.

She has done that over the last few weeks, and today she reported that the quality of her interactions with her colleague has improved remarkably.

This communication strategy matches the concept of begin with the end in mind. By telling her colleague that she will likely have questions, she is:

• Establishing reasonable expectations with her colleague,
• Preparing her colleague to receive the call, and
• Showing that she is concerned with a positive outcome.

She has taken personal responsibility to change what she can change rather than going into a blaming mindset or set of behaviors with regard to her colleague. She has made a consistent and persistent effort to make sure that her communications are as clear as possible. She has embodied what this blog is all about: learning to get over your ego, fears, self-consciousness, and self-protective behaviors to do what needs to be done to have healthy, productive relationships in all areas of your life.

I won’t be sharing her name, but she knows who she is. Since I wasn’t personally present to observe her interactions over the last few weeks, I may have some of the details a little off. I think she’ll be okay with that. Mostly, I want her to know that  I am proud of her efforts and her success, and I want the rest of my readers to learn from her example..

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask
2. Effective Communication Skills: How to Quickly Guess a Person’s DISC Style
3. Get Over Yourself To Develop Effective Communication Skills

Picture a drowning man. He is flailing in the water. He is grasping at everything and everyone within reach. He has little or no visible concern for others. He may, at other times, be a kind, loving, considerate person. While he is in the process of drowning, he thrashes, lunges, and swings his arms and legs wildly.

If you get in the way of a drowning man, you just might get hurt.

He won’t necessarily hurt you because he is unkind, rude, or inconsiderate. He might hurt you in his effort to get air.

And what has all of this got to do with communication, conflict resolution, leadership, and parenting. Well, everything.

Picture a person (adult or child) who really needs to feel some control over their choices and environment. If they don’t get this control, they will fight against the organization, people, or person who they perceive is limiting their ability to control their own environment. In a different situation, they might be a really nice person. Catch them in the moment that they are fighting for their emotional needs and they look just like a drowning man. They are fighting to get their needs met.

Emotional needs are no different from physical needs. They are needs. They are not wishes, wants, or desires. They are needs. When they go unmet, people lash out.

Here’s a challenge, not everyone has the same blend of emotional needs. Some people really need control, challenges, and a feeling of being respected. Other people need fun, excitement and to feel liked. A significant portion of the population, though not all people, need to feel supported, encouraged, and appreciated. Another segment of the population needs to understand the reason behind decisions, what data entered into the decision, and to be valued.

The person who needs respect may not totally understand the idea of appreciating someone. The person who needs to have fun may not understand the importance of verifiable facts. The person who needs support may not see the need to move quickly and to create a feeling of forward momentum. The person who needs to be valued may not understand the need to be liked.

At some other time, I’ll comment on the basis for these observations. For now, I just want to make the point that all of us have certain emotional needs. There are some commonalities between us, and their are some differences. Often, we just don’t “get” why someone else needs something that we don’t need. When we fail to understand, validate, and, to the best of our abilities, meet the needs of other people, we just might put them in the state of the drowning man. When we do that, they really don’t (should I say can’t) care about us.

We can change this dynamic when we throw people a life preserver by working to understand and feed their needs. When we do this, we help them get to a place where they can also hear and understand us. We communicate, resolve conflict, lead, and parent more effectively when we meet needs rather than challenge them.

Related posts:

1. Snow Drifts, Driving Lessons, and Conflict Resolution
2. Conflict Resolution Tips: Task Oriented People with People Oriented Individuals
3. Why You Shouldn’t Take Conflict Resolution Lessons From Politicians

In the picture above, the desired goal is somewhere on 9th Street. At the moment, the normal or shortest path down 9th Street is closed. That does not mean that we should change our destination because the original road we wanted to travel was closed. We just take the detour, enjoy the scenery, and move on towards our goal.

Similar situations strike us as we move through life. It could be a college choice – which college to attend and what to study. It could be a career choice – what to do, where to do it, etc. It could be a business direction decision – what product to launch ( or cancel), how to offer a service, or what market to enter ( or leave). These situations hit us over and over again as we go through our lives.

Here’s what I’ve learned at this point in my life: stay focused on the end goal and take the detour.

The detour might take longer to follow than your originally intended path. The detour might make you do some things you had not planned to do and may not enjoy doing.

The detour might also show you some things you would not have otherwise seen. The detour might give you a chance to learn some skills or insights into yourself that you would not have learned on your original path. The detour might actually be a little bit of fun to follow.

I’m not suggesting that you should look for detours. I’m not even saying that I’m always good at accepting detours with a positive attitude. I am saying that re-framing the detour as a learning experience or as an adventure rather than a road block can make it valuable.

Some of my greatest lessons in life have come from detours. So far, I have always found a way to use the lessons I learned on the detour to help me move closer to where I really want to be.

Related posts:

1. Exercise Your Power of Choice in Conflict Resolution
2. Effective Communication: Begin With The End In Mind
3. Conflict Resolution Lessons From A Lifeguard: A Drowning Man Doesn’t Care About You

My brother and I have pretty well mastered the art of getting what we want from the humans we adopted. They’re pretty nice people, but they don’t always understand us immediately. So, we have learned to sit patiently at the back door and look at them until they realize that we want to come in the house.

We Got What We Wanted

We have found that this approach works much better that making lots of noise and insisting that they let us inside. In fact, when we make too much noise, they generally ignore us. When we rush in without being invited, they chase us down and make us go out without so much as a nice rub between the ears.

We haven’t quite figured out why they behave so strangely. We just know that they do. So, rather than try to change how they react to us, we just change our behaviors to get what we want.

We want to go inside for a few minutes to warm up and get our backs rubbed. When we’re nicely and gently persistent, we almost always get what we want. They don’t always act as fast as we want them to. Sometimes we have to wait a long time. Still, it almost always works.

Please don’t tell them our tricks. If they knew that we were playing them, it might not work anymore. Shhhhh!

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: You Don’t Know Until You Ask