Perception | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for perception – Page 2

Feb
27

The ABC’s of Life: Accept Difference

by Guy Harris

During the week between Christmas and New Year’s day, my wife and I went to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. Near the end of the day, we stopped in one of the gift shops, and we found the plaque shown in the picture with this post. We immediately loved it, and I knew that it would become the object of a series of posts inspired by the message on it. This is the first of those posts.

Accept differences. What a simple, yet powerful concept.

By accept differences, I do not mean tolerance. I have already written about why I don’t want to be a tolerant person.

When I say accept differences, I mean that I see the power in understanding how other people develop thoughts and feelings about certain topics that are different from my thoughts and feelings without lapsing into criticism, condemnation, and moral judgment about them as human beings.

As I see it, accept differences means that I can…

Accept the person even when I do not accept his ideas, thoughts, and beliefs
Be friendly, cordial, and respectful despite our different viewpoints
Work with someone to solve a problem even when we disagree about issues unrelated to the problem we are solving.

One day recently, my wife told a teenage girl that she disagreed with the teenager’s choice and the teenager replied: “Mrs. Harris, don’t be hatin’.”

Does disagreement really have to imply hate?

I do not think that my disagreement with a persons behaviors or choices means that I hate her, and I don’t believe that a person hates me simply because she disagrees with me.

Accept differences.

This article is from the ABC's of Life series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

3 Categories : ABC's of Life, Reflections

Jul
21

Intentions – A Poem That Came to Me While Cleaning

by Guy Harris

I don’t know why this came to mind, but it did.

I was helping my wife clean our living room, and I was, as I often am, thinking about what I could write here. I was not thinking about my wife, my kids, or my professional colleagues.

I was just thinking. (Remember, I am a recovering engineer. I am almost always “thinking.”)

I started thinking about how we often misinterpret other people’s meaning, and this little rhyme popped (almost) fully formed into my mind.

So, I share it here with you today:

I’ll never know your real intent,
Until I ask you what you meant.
And, if you choose, in your reply,
To then, tell me the reason why.

3 Categories : Communication Skills, Resolving Conflict

Jun
12

Conflict Resolution Techniques: Question Your Assumptions

by Guy Harris

As I read about, study, and work to apply effective conflict resolution techniques, I see one common and overwhelming problem develop in workplaces, families, and social organizations. I see the same problem develop just about everywhere I see people interact.

What is this huge problem?

People make assumptions about other people’s intentions.

Sadly, they often make wrong assumptions about the other person’s intentions.

This behavior is so common and so prevalent, I have written about it on at least two other occasions.

In one post, I told the story of how I started down the path of wrong assumptions in an interaction with my daughter.

In another post, I shared an observation I made about an interchange where one person based their entire interaction with another person on their assumptions about the other person’s intentions without ever asking for clarification.

Recently, I had the opportunity to observe another interchange between two people who got seriously engaged in a heated conversation because one of the parties took offense to what he believed to be the other person’s intentions. For the purposes of this post, let’s say their names are John and Joe.

In a small meeting setting, Joe raised a question about something John had proposed in a previous meeting. I heard Joe question the proposed approach to solving a problem. Apparently, John heard Joe question the necessity of solving the problem.

John’s body went almost immediately rigid as he turned to face and lean toward Joe. His voice tone grew sharp, and his volume went up. In all fairness to John, I don’t really know what he was thinking. I did perceive his tone and body language to become aggressive.

The conversation got progressively more heated as Joe and John spoke.

As they continued, John made direct, negative comments about his view of Joe’s intentions. He used words like:

“You just said that because you want to…”
“You didn’t have the courage to speak earlier about…”
“I knew you would do this to me…”

In rapid succession, John manged to:

Negatively label Joe’s intentions,
Attack Joe’s character, and
Express his view that Joe was doing something “to” him.

It only got worse from there, and it all began with John’s assumption about Joe’s intention.

John immediately assumed that Joe had a negative intention. His response followed the classic conflict escalation cycle almost perfectly. From this negative interpretation, he went to anger (my interpretation of his emotional state), and both parties found themselves locked in a negative conversational spiral.

Had John been willing to question his assumptions about Joe’s intention and then to engage in conversation and dialogue rather than in attack and recrimination, the situation would likely have gone in a totally different direction.

The next time you find your assumptions about another person’s intention leaning towards the negative, stop yourself for just a moment and question your assumptions.

Did they mean that as an attack or simply as a statement of their opinion?
Are they attacking my character or are they just trying to understand my approach?
Did they mean what I think they mean?

I’m sure you get the point. Take just a moment to slow down and question your assumptions before you dive into the conversation.

Photo by striatic.

1 Categories : Resolving Conflict

May
26

DISC FAQ’s: Can I Change My Personality Style On Purpose?

by Guy Harris

Guy Answers the Question:
Can I Change My Personality Style on Purpose?

People often tell me that they believe that they have changed their personality style, and then they ask me if I think this is possible.

My general answer is this: It might be possible. I don’t think it is probable.

In short, I don’t think that your core, inner, basic personality style changes unless you experience some type of major psychological or brain trauma.

I do think that you can learn to behave differently in different situations. I think that you can learn to adapt, mold, and shape your behavioral style to increase your effectiveness in a broad range of situations.

However, changing your words and actions does not change your personality style.

Further, why would you want to change your personality style? Assuming that you fall in the range of normal human psychology, your personality style is just another expression of “normal.”

Wanting to change your personality style implies that there is something wrong with your natural one.

In the vast majority of people, there is nothing wrong with their personality style. So, why try to change it?

As we consider the question raised in the title of this post, we have to carefully distinguish between who we are and what we do.

Personality style relates to our perceptions, interpretations, priorities, and reactions to the world around us. Behavior style is often related to our personality style, and it is influenced by many other things. Personality style is part of who we are. Behavior style is merely what we do. They are definitely related. They are not exactly the same thing.

So, can you change your behaviors in response to the world around you? Absolutely you can!

Can you change your personality style? Not real likely.

This article is from the DISC FAQ's series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

0 Categories : DISC Model, Video

May
22

DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

by Guy Harris

Guy Answers the Question:
Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

As I teach, train, and coach using the DISC model, people hear me say that I encourage them to change their behaviors to fit the situation and to better connect with other people.

Sometimes, people ask me if consciously changing behavior is phoney or fake. This concern raises another common question about the DISC model, and how I recommend people use it to connect and communicate more effectively.

In answering this question, I often refer to a Thomas Jefferson quote:

In matters of style, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock.

As I see it, choosing a behavior, word, or tone that will improve your communication effectiveness is not a moral or ethical issue. It is just a matter of style.

We often change our behaviors for different environments. For example, most people recognize that appropriate behavior during a wedding ceremony is likely to be different from appropriate behavior at the celebration party after the ceremony. Different environments call for different behaviors.

As long as your intent is not to defraud, manipulate, or somehow deceive the other person, behaving in a way that might be uncomfortable or unnatural for you in the interest of connecting with them is not fake or phoney. Rather, I see it as working to create a better environment for the other person.