Today, I led a DISC communication skills workshop that ended with a role-play exercise to allow participants the opportunity to practice the skills we had been discussing.

For many of the people in the class, this was their first in-depth exposure to the DISC model and how to use it to more effectively communicate with others. The class was lively, engaged, and energetic with everyone in the room displaying a highly positive approach to learning. And, the role-play exercise brought to the surface a common frustration many people feel as they learn to apply the concepts I teach for becoming a better communicator.

As people attempted to “put on” the style of another person during the role-play, many of them felt awkward. Their role-play partners sensed this awkwardness. As a result, the participants attempts to connect with people with a different natural behavior style actually decreased the connection between them rather than increasing it.

They were frustrated. I was encouraged.

I was encouraged because they were making a genuine effort to connect with other people in a way that would make the recipient of the communication attempt feel most comfortable. Even though the results were not all that great initially, the effort to bridge the difference gap encouraged me.

They saw their efforts as failures. I saw their efforts as natural parts of the learning process.

A model for learning I often use speaks of learning happening in four stages:

1. Unconscious incompetence
   The “I don’t know that I don’t know” stage.
2. Conscious incompetence
   The “I realize that I don’t know something” stage.
3. Conscious competence
   The “I understand how to do this, and I have to think about it to make it work” stage.
4. Unconscious competence
   The “this has become natural to me and I don’t have to think about it any more” stage.

In attempting to apply the learning from the session, they were confronted with both the difficulty and awkwardness of learning to apply a new skill.

When I talked with them about the skills and they asked me questions, my answers seemed rather simple and effortless to them. For me, the answers were simple and effortless. In many situations, I have achieved (after much struggle and many failures) the unconscious competence level of learning for this material.

They are at the uncomfortable level of learning somewhere between conscious incompetence and conscious competence.

To break through this frustration, I encouraged them to keep at it even though the communication approach felt odd. I also encouraged them to seek feedback from other people about how their communication efforts were progressing. For example, I told people with Dominant traits to seek feedback from people with Supportive traits and vice-versa.

If you want to master using the DISC model to become a better communicator, I encourage you to do the same thing. Keep practicing and getting feedback on your efforts. You will eventually break through the awkwardness of trying to put on another person’s communication style to the comfort of authentically communicating by understanding their communication style.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?
2. Using the DISC Model: Focus on Needs More than Behaviors
3. Using the DISC Model: How to Create Stress for Other People

One of the most common questions about using the DISC model is this: “How do I know another person’s personality style?”

Well, the short answer is: you can’t know another person’s style without assessment results.

You can, however, make an educated guess about their primary style (or at least how they are interacting in the current situation) by observing their words and behaviors and answering two simple questions (phrased in the language of the DISC model):

1. Are they more outgoing or more reserved? and
2. Are they more task-oriented or more people oriented?

Or, stated another way:

1. Do they speak more quickly, loudly and emphatically or more slowly, softly and monotone?, and
2. Do they speak in more factual, “thinking” language or in a more relational, “feeling” language?

Answer those two questions and you’ve got your starting point for connecting better with them.

If they are:

• Outgoing and Task oriented, use Dominant language.
• Outgoing and People-oriented, use Inspiring language.
• Reserved and People-oriented, use Supportive language.
• Reserved and Task-oriented, use Cautious language.

Related posts:

1. Effective Communication Skills: Acknowledge Emotions Before Solving Problems
2. Get Over Yourself To Develop Effective Communication Skills
3. Using the DISC Model: How to Create Stress for Other People

Guy Answers the Question:
Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?

As I teach, train, and coach using the DISC model, people hear me say that I encourage them to change their behaviors to fit the situation and to better connect with other people.

Sometimes, people ask me if consciously changing behavior is phoney or fake. This concern raises another common question about the DISC model, and how I recommend people use it to connect and communicate more effectively.

In answering this question, I often refer to a Thomas Jefferson quote:

In matters of style, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock.

As I see it, choosing a behavior, word, or tone that will improve your communication effectiveness is not a moral or ethical issue. It is just a matter of style.

We often change our behaviors for different environments. For example, most people recognize that appropriate behavior during a wedding ceremony is likely to be different from appropriate behavior at the celebration party after the ceremony. Different environments call for different behaviors.

As long as your intent is not to defraud, manipulate, or somehow deceive the other person, behaving in a way that might be uncomfortable or unnatural for you in the interest of connecting with them is not fake or phoney. Rather, I see it as working to create a better environment for the other person.

Related posts:

1. A DISC Model Question You Should Ask of Yourself
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?
3. Applying the DISC Model: Breaking Through A Common Frustration

Guy Answers the Question:
Can Your Personality Style Change Over Time?

People often say that they think they had one personality style as a child and a different one as an adult. While I suppose that is theoretically possible, it is not very likely.

I do not claim to be a licensed mental health professional, psychologist, psychiatrist, or neurological system expert. I have spoken with thousands of people in various environments and done lots of reading on the topic. Based on everything I know today; I believe that our primary, basic personality style is determined by about six years old.

That simple statement then begs the question: Are you born with your personality style or is it developed over time. I’ll write more about this later, but the simple answer is: both.

And, before I go much further, let’s clarify a point: the DISC model actually estimates your behavioral style rather than your personality style. The distinction can be subtle, and it is still a note worthy distinction. Still most people use the words personality style and behavioral style almost interchangeably.  In conversation, I often switch back and forth between the phrases myself — not because I see them as the same but simply due to slipping into colloquial speech rather than strictly accurate clinical speech.

Back to the topic of this post: can your personality style change over time?

Barring a major physical or psychological trauma, I don’t think so — at least not very much.

We might find ourselves in different environments (or contexts) that call for us to behave in different ways. And, changing your behavior to fit a situation does not imply that your personality style changed. In fact, I would go further to say that I don’t think that most people see major changes in their behavioral style either.

This last statement calls for some explanation.

Often when I teach or speak on the DISC model, I don not have the opportunity to delve into the subtlety of the information learned from completing a full DISC assessment that produces graphs that show the blend and intensity of the four DISC style in both the person’s environmental, or adapted, style and their basic, or natural, style.

Here’s the quick distinction between environmental and basic styles.

For most people, their basic style represents the most consistent part of who they are. It usually represents how theythe think about, feel about, or otherwise interpret and process the world around them. It reflects the type of environment that would be the most comfortable for them.

On the other hand, their environmental style represents how they behave in response to their world. It may or may not be the same as their basic style. It’s usually not terribly different, but it can be for some people. The environmental style reflects what people have done to their behaviors to function, survive, and succeed in their environment.

Environmental style can change over time as people find themselves in different environments. Basic style tends to stay pretty much the same over a person’s lifetime.

I also believe that most people can learn new ways of behaving and interacting that make them begin to look as if they have changed their personality. For example, I have learned to tell stories and jokes to entertain and engage people while I am presenting, and I still prefer to be alone. I still have a reserved personality even though I have learned some outgoing behaviors.

In keeping with the theme of this blog, the big idea is this: don’t hide behind your personality or behavioral style, get over it.

With study and practice, all of us can learn to adjust our behaviors for greater connection, relationship, and influence with others.

Related posts:

1. DISC FAQ’s: Can I Change My Personality Style On Purpose?
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Can I Have One DISC Style at Work and Another DISC Style at Home?
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?

Guy Answers the Question: Can I Have One
Style at Work & Another Style at Home?

One question that frequently comes up in my discussions of the DISC Model of Human Behavior is:

Can I have one DISC style at work and another DISC style at home?

- or-

I feel like I am one way at home and another way at work. Is that possible and is it normal?

The simple answer to the question is: “Yes. Differences between your home behaviors and workplace behaviors are not only possible, they are highly probable.”

The longer answer is a bit more involved, but not terribly complex.

When I hear this question or some variation of it, at least two things immediately come to my mind:

• Different environments call for different behaviors. So, you tend to adjust your behaviors to your environment.
• Let’s not confuse how we “behave” with who we “are.”

I’ll take these two thoughts one at a time.

First, let’s recall that very few people exhibit only one DISC style because most of us actually exhibit a blend of the four DISC styles in our everyday behaviors. Since we generally use at least two of the four DISC behavior styles, we can usually “shift” or “float” between our two (or three) primary styles depending on the situation.

Since the workplace environment is often quite different from our home environment (and we usually have different roles in the two environments), we adjust our behaviors to what is appropriate for both the environment and our role in it.

This is completely normal (and probably a good thing!).

The second point is, in some respects, even more important. Our behaviors are our behaviors. They are not who we “are” they are what we “do.”

Our thoughts and emotions reflect who we “are.”

In a full DISC profile assessment, you receive two different DISC behavioral style graphs. One reflects your basic or “natural” DISC style – who you “are.”  The other reflects your environmental or “adapted” DISC style – what you “do.”

These two graphs are often similarly shaped. Sometimes they are not. Regardless, they represent two different aspects of your behavioral style. What is happening in your head and emotions and what is showing up in your behavior. While your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are generally connected, they are not necessarily exactly the same (at least as far as other people can see).

For example, have you ever meant to say or do one thing and then said or done something totally different? I have. This doesn’t happen frequently. It does happen.

In the interest of brevity, I won’t go into all of the details of the distinction between who we “are” and what we “do” in this post. Maybe I’ll dig into that topic some other day. For now, I’ll leave it at this: it is normal, expected, and highly likely that you will exhibit different behaviors in different environments.

This difference does not necessarily imply that you become a different person in those environments. More likely, it’s just a reflection of what you need to do to succeed in the different environments.

Related posts:

1. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is One Style Better Than the Others?
2. DISC Model FAQ’s: Can Your Personality Style Change Over Time
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Could I Have More Than One DISC Behavior Style?

No one would talk so much in society, if he only knew how often he misunderstands others.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 1749-1832, German playwright/poet

When dictators come to power, they often use a well-planned strategy for ousting their rivals. Part of this strategy helps them to justify the harsh tactics they use against their political opponents. One part of the strategy gradually strips away the human character of people who stand between the dictator and total control of the country. By stripping away human characteristics, dictators dehumanize their adversaries. When they dehumanize the people they oppose, they begin the process of objectification – turning people into objects. Once they paint a group of people as objects, they can do virtually anything they want to the group because objects have no moral standing.

Unfortunately, many of us also engage in a similar practice when we find ourselves involved in an interpersonal conflict. We may not resort to murder or physical violence as a result of our objectification of others, and, still, we use the process to justify our actions and reactions. The process often begins with the use of broad, categorical labels to define people. These labels might even apply in a general, statistical sense to a large population of people. However, when applied to small groups, or even worse to individuals, the labels lose all connection to reality and they become the tools that allow us to justify our own bad behaviors towards others.

You have probably seen or experienced the objectification process yourself. Sometimes it comes from blatant prejudice or ignorance. More often though, it enters our thinking by accident because we are tired, hungry, frustrated, or otherwise stressed. The process of objectification usually begins with labeling a person. Labeling can take many forms, and it often comes in the form of a “those people” statement. Here are just a few examples:

• “Those Marketing people just don’t understand what we have to do to meet this deadline!” (You could substitute Sales, Production, or Research for Marketing in this statement.”
• “The problem with our government is those Democrats!” (You could substitute Republicans, Independents, or Libertarians in this statement)
• “We could really make some progress in this organization, if those older people wouldn’t keep dragging their feet.”
• “The reason we have so much conflict around here is that those younger people want to change everything.”

In and of themselves, these comments can seem almost innocuous – just statements of exasperation or frustration. They can also reveal our underlying view of other people as objects rather than as people. Once we view others as objects, we can justify or rationalize a whole host of behaviors that intensify or aggravate conflict rather than resolve it. For example, when we view others as objects we can justify:

• Avoiding them
• Attacking their character
• Gossiping about them
• Seeking revenge or retribution

To ward off the unconscious objectification of others, monitor how you refer to people for signs that you might be slipping into this thought process. If you find yourself referring to people with some form of “those people” statement, look for a way to rephrase the statement so that you consciously acknowledge the other person’s humanity.

Here are some alternative ways to phrase the example statements above. These statements are just suggestions. I do not propose that they are the only, or even the best, way to rephrase the examples. Within the scope of this article, we have not even begun to address the issue of the context in which the statements are made. So, the specifics of the rephrasing could change significantly depending on the situation. I only offer these suggestions as a way to stimulate your creativity about different and better ways to communicate the issues hidden in the “objectifying” versions that many of us default to when the pressure hits.

• “We’ve got a communication disconnect between us and the people in the Marketing department.”
• “The problem with our government is the breakdown in respect and communication between people who hold different perspectives.”
• “We could really make some progress in this organization, if we could find a way to communicate our vision of the future more clearly.”
• “The reason we have so much conflict around here is that we have not listened to and carefully considered the concerns of everyone in the organization.”

Remember to Beware of Labels.

Related posts:

1. Beware of Perception Error
2. Be Careful What You Assume
3. DISC Model FAQ’s: Is Changing Your Behavior Phoney?