Conflict Resolution Lesson: Recognize Redirected Aggression

If you look carefully, you can learn lessons from many everyday events. Yesterday, my daughter, Alexandra, showed one of our cats, Merlin, in our county 4-H fair. Generally, Merlin is the cat you see in the picture above. He lounges on our deck. He sleeps on the steps. He stays with us in the yard. He insists that we pet him when we are in the garage. He is a really friendly cat. At the fair, he was in a cage in a hot building surrounded by other cats, people he did not know, and smells he did... [Read more]

Intentions – A Poem That Came to Me While Cleaning

I don’t know why this came to mind, but it did. I was helping my wife clean our living room, and I was, as I often am, thinking about what I could write here. I was not thinking about my wife, my kids, or my professional colleagues. I was just thinking. (Remember, I am a recovering engineer. I am almost always “thinking.”) I started thinking about how we often misinterpret other people’s meaning, and this little rhyme popped (almost) fully formed into my mind. So, I share... [Read more]

Effective Communication Skills: How to Quickly Guess a Person’s DISC Style

One of the most common questions about using the DISC model is this: “How do I know another person’s personality style?” Well, the short answer is: you can’t know another person’s style without assessment results. You can, however, make an educated guess about their primary style (or at least how they are interacting in the current situation) by observing their words and behaviors and answering two simple questions (phrased in the language of the DISC model): Are... [Read more]

Task-Oriented vs People-Oriented: A Common Source of Conflict

In one way or another, I have commented on this common difference between people in this blog and in other articles. It seems that I have, in many cases, made the point in an indirect way. Today, I thought I would make a more explicit observation about one of the common differences between task-oriented people and people-oriented people (from the DISC model): Task-oriented people generally “think” about things (including relationships). People-oriented people generally “feel”... [Read more]

Exercise Your Power of Choice in Conflict Resolution

In many cases, the path from conflict to resolution is like traveling down a dirt road in the country. It’s a little rough. Dirt might get in your eyes so that you don’t see clearly what lies ahead. You have to go more slowly than you do in other situations. Once you are on the road, you have to keep going. It is too narrow to turn around and go back the other way. At some point, you come to a fork in the road and you have to make a choice. In the first few moments of a conflict... [Read more]

Conflict Resolution Techniques: Question Your Assumptions

As I read about, study, and work to apply effective conflict resolution techniques, I see one common and overwhelming problem develop in workplaces, families, and social organizations. I see the same problem develop just about everywhere I see people interact. What is this huge problem? People make assumptions about other people’s intentions. Sadly, they often make wrong assumptions about the other person’s intentions. This behavior is so common and so prevalent, I have written about... [Read more]

The 7 Deadly Sins of Conflict Resolution

As I watch and participate in conflict conversations and conflict resolution efforts, I notice patterns of behavior that consistently produce bad results. In a recent conversation with one of my coaching clients, we started to discuss these patterns of behavior. We jokingly began to call them “The 7 Deadly Sins of Conflict Resolution.” The conversation stimulated my thinking about what NOT to do in conflict resolution. Sometimes, knowing what NOT to do can be as helpful as knowing what... [Read more]

Why Your Natural Response to Conflict is Probably Wrong & What You Can Do About It

As I mentioned in my post about why conflicts escalate, bad things can happen when we perceive other people’s words or actions to be a threat to us in some way. As a result of this perception of threat, we often get angry. Then, we behave in ways that they perceive as a threat, and the conflict escalation cycle begins. Our natural responses to conflict often begin with this perception of threat. This perception triggers our “fight-or-flight” response, and our adrenal glands kick... [Read more]

Conflict Resolution Insights: Why Conflicts Escalate

On two recent occasions, I have been involved in interactions that started with a minor miscommunication and quickly elevated to full-blown conflict. In both situations, the other person and I pretty quickly recognized what was happening, and we managed to get our communications back under control. These situations caused me to reflect on what happens in conflict: How it gets started, How it escalates, and What you can do to de-escalate it. I was also wondering if these situations happen in... [Read more]

How To Control Your Anger: Two Questions To Ask Yourself

Guy Shares Two Questions to HelpYou Control Your Anger A question that often comes up in my conversations and training sessions regarding conflict resolution is this: How do I control my anger? Great question. Sadly, it’s often the wrong question. Anger is not really a primary emotion. It does not come first. It may come quickly. It just doesn’t come first. Anger is generally the result of something else. If you imagine at your emotional container like a bottle filled with a carbonated... [Read more]

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