From what I could tell, he was engaged in a bit of a conflict conversation.

I could also tell that he was making a common mistake that rarely, if ever, leads to conflict resolution and almost always leads to conflict escalation. Based on the bits and pieces of conversation that I overheard, I think the person on the other end of the phone call was making this mistake as well.

The symptoms of the mistake manifested as:

• Justifying behaviors
• Explaining why he was right
• Showing the other person why he was wrong
• Rehashing what had already happened
• No focus on what to do the next time this situation occurred to make it turn out better

The root cause of the problem stems from focusing on the past rather than the future. I wrote about this challenge previously in my post about the 7 Deadly Sins of Conflict Resolution.

If you want to guarantee conflict escalation, keep revisiting the past — past statements, past actions, past reasons, past thinking, etc.

Talking about the past is like throwing out an anchor. It stops forward progress and keeps the conversation stuck in problem discussion rather than problem solving.

Problem discussion becomes negative and accusatory, if it goes on too long.

Problem solving is about finding ways to set and meet mutual expectations and how to interact with and behave towards each other so that conflicts do not recur.

If you want to productively resolve conflicts, move quickly to a future focus. Only stay in the past long enough to understand how the miscommunication or misunderstanding happened, and then look for ways you can interact with the other person in the future to stop the problem from happening again.

Related posts:

1. Three Words to Guarantee Conflict Escalation
2. Conflict Resolution Tips: Don’t Assume You Know What Someone Will Do
3. Effective Communication Skills: Acknowledge Emotions Before Solving Problems

I tend to notice how people respond to certain words. I guess that’s something of an “occupational hazard” for me.

As I watch how people respond, I look for patterns. And I see a strong pattern developing around three words (and some variations) that almost certainly guarantee that a conflict will start or escalate if you use them carelessly.

So that you can beware of them slipping into your communications (especially in conflict situations), I’ll share the three common conflict escalation words:

No

While I’m not suggesting that you never use the word no, I am suggesting that you be sensitive to how and when you use it. I have noticed that some people tend to start many statements with this word. And, I have carefully observed the body language of people who receive the “no” statement. It is almost universally negative.

But

I have written on the dangers of this word previously. Today, I’ll share three other words that have essentially the same impact: however, except, and yet. My friend and colleague, JJ Brun, says that these words are “polite buts,” and I agree with him.

Always

My real point here is to beware of using words with an absolute or final connotation. Another word that fits in this category is never.

The next time you find yourself in a conflict or confrontation situation, beware of these words and their common variations. Remember to use them intentionally — to make a specific point — rather than out of habit because they are the first words that come to mind.

Related posts:

1. Do This If You Want to Guarantee Conflict Escalation
2. Seven Ways to Improve Your Communication During a Conflict
3. Conflict Resolution Tips: Don’t Assume You Know What Someone Will Do

Have you ever seen or been involved in a conflict conversation where one person said: “I knew that you were going to say that!”

If you have, you probably noticed that the conflict intensity escalated from that point forward.

This type of statement is aggressive. It says that how you anticipate another person will react is a forgone conclusion rather than an expectation. It leaves no room for the other person’s autonomy and self-control. It subtly places you in an intellectually and emotionally “superior” position relative to the other person.

Saying that you “know” what someone else will do or say is like saying that you can unzip his head and know what’s going on even before he does.

If you want to create more conflict and escalate the emotional level of your conversation, tell someone that you “knew” she would react however she did.

If you want to leave room for conflict resolution and effective communication, strike this type of comment from your conflict repertoire and apply these seven ways to improve your communication during a conflict.

Related posts:

1. Be Careful What You Assume
2. Conflict Resolution Tips: The Power of Patience
3. Conflict Resolution Tips: See Others Fairly

Today, I have another lesson drawn from my recent guitar playing endeavor for people of all ages and roles.

First, the story behind the lesson.

As my daughters and a friend of mine patiently teach me scales, chords, chord progressions, hand positions, and strumming patterns; I have learned to struggle through a song or two. I don’t model the ease and beauty of playing that you might see in a true guitar master like Eric Clapton or Jim Croce (yes, I am showing my age), I can manage to, generally, make sounds that resemble music.

I know how to make my left hand create a number of chords. I know them by name, and I know a few simple variations. I have even learned what it means to hammer on and pull off. It’s great fun even though the finger tips of my left hand alternate between painful and numb.

In the process, I have learned that…

The concepts of playing a guitar are relatively simple, but playing a guitar well is not easy.

I quickly learned some fundamentals, and, using those fundamentals, I can fumble through a few songs. I am a looong way from true proficiency with the guitar. Still, I believe that with effort, practice, study, and the willingness to fail in the process; I can achieve some level of mastery.

The same is true for anyone working to apply the communication and conflict resolution principles that I write about and teach. It takes effort, practice, study, and the willingness to fail in the process to master them.

Becoming a great leader, communicator, conflict resolver, parent, or anything else, depends on the work done in the process of becoming proficient. It does not happen without study and focused practice.

The difference between doing something you have heard or seen someone else do and doing it with mastery is in the time and effort invested after you learn the concept.

Related posts:

1. The Secret to Mastery is in the Transitions
2. Beware of Labels
3. Effective Communication Skills: Acknowledge Emotions Before Solving Problems

Sometimes, life gets messy — as shown by the picture of the living area in my home this morning.

When I first walked through this area on my way to get a cup of coffee and some breakfast, I felt a bit stressed.

My family was still asleep, and I had a full day of work planned in my home office. The mess felt a bit overwhelming and out of control.

If you look carefully by the rocking chair near the middle of the picture, you will see an insulated coffee cup. That cup represents the time I spent reading, reflecting, and planning before starting my day.

My morning reading included Today We Are Rich by Tim Sanders, and my reflection included writing in my Gratefulness Journal (an idea I got from the book).

As I wrote a list of things for which I am grateful, I looked around the mess in my home, and I saw evidence of:

• One daughter’s recent high school graduation and the celebration that followed
• Another daughter’s four day HOBY leadership seminar experience
• Two daughters who love listening to and playing music
• My dad’s hastily celebrated birthday while my parents visited our home for graduation ceremonies
• A community service project that my wife helped to organize
• A wife who worked hard to keep up with laundry during the last three action-packed weeks
• The opportunity that my wife and I had to work at the HOBY leadership seminar
• People who came home at the end of long days of serving and working with others too tired to put away the mess
• Business projects and opportunities that I have worked on while my wife kept everything else moving forward

As I re-framed my view of the mess in terms of the lives, relationships, and experiences that it represented, it transformed from stressful to soothing.

The lesson in this for leaders is to, at least for a short time, embrace messiness because of what the mess represents.

Your mess might by physical, like the one in my home this morning, or more intangible, like a long to-do list or a hectic project schedule. In either case, learn to embrace the temporary disarray, disorganization, and messiness because of the growth and progress it represents.

You can’t live with the mess forever — eventually you’ll have to clean it up. In the meantime though, find a way to frame it positively so that you can find the energy and enthusiasm to lead positively.

Now, I think I’ll go take another look at the mess and the memories it represents before my wife and kids get it cleaned-up.

Related posts:

1. Commit to Continual Learning – Life Lessons From Cal Ripken, Jr
2. Rules Without Relationship Breeds Rebellion
3. Conflict Resolution from John Wooden – What’s Right Not Who’s Right

During the week between Christmas and New Year’s day, my wife and I went to the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina. Near the end of the day, we stopped in one of the gift shops, and we found the plaque shown in the picture with this post. We immediately loved it, and I knew that it would become the object of a series of posts inspired by the message on it. This is the first of those posts.

Accept differences. What a simple, yet powerful concept.

By accept differences, I do not mean tolerance. I have already written about why I don’t want to be a tolerant person.

When I say accept differences, I mean that I see the power in understanding how other people develop thoughts and feelings about certain topics that are different from my thoughts and feelings without lapsing into criticism, condemnation, and moral judgment about them as human beings.

As I see it, accept differences means that I can…

• Accept the person even when I do not accept his ideas, thoughts, and beliefs
  
• Be friendly, cordial, and respectful despite our different viewpoints
• Work with someone to solve a problem even when we disagree about issues unrelated to the problem we are solving.

One day recently, my wife told a teenage girl that she disagreed with the teenager’s choice and the teenager replied: “Mrs. Harris, don’t be hatin’.”

Does disagreement really have to imply hate?

I do not think that my disagreement with a persons behaviors or choices means that I hate her, and I don’t believe that a person hates me simply because she disagrees with me.

Accept differences.

Related posts:

1. The Difference Between Doing and Mastering
2. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
3. The ABC’s of Life: Express Thanks

A few days ago, I posted about the tragic death of a young lady who was part of my life when I was in college and she was a toddler. You can read that post here.

Sadly, I was unable to attend her funeral. I learned of the accident that took her life late on Thursday night and the funeral was on Saturday. I live in Indiana, and her funeral was in North Carolina.

My inability to get to North Carolina to lend my support to people who were a big part of my early adulthood saddened me equally as much as hearing of Krystal’s death.

In reflecting on the events of the last few days, I see that the problem is one of margin.

To explain what I mean, I’ll lean on my background as an engineer.

In my engineering design classes, I learned about the concept of design or safety margin — a factor built into design calculations to allow for minor errors, miscalculations, under estimations, and other variables that are difficult to accurately determine.

While I was in the Navy and learning to become an Engineering Officer, I learned about the specific margins that were built into both the submarine and the engineering plant to ensure safe operation.

Later, when I was working as a research engineer in the chemical industry, I used the concept of design margin as I developed new products and worked with customers to get our products qualified for their applications.

Safe engineering design always considers, allows for, and builds in some margin for safety.

This weekend, I became eminently aware of the lack of margin in my life. I didn’t have enough time margin to safely make the 12-hour one-way drive in the time I had between learning of Krystal’s death and her funeral. I didn’t have enough financial margin to jump on a plane and go.

Do I have enough time to live up to my immediate commitments? Yes. Do I have enough financial margin to meet my financial obligations? Yes.

And having enough to meet the minimum requirements does not create margin.

Just as the concept of margin applies to our schedule and our budgets, it also applies to our personal and professional relationships. For example, do you have enough margin in your relationships to…

• Withstand a communication error?
• Make it through a misunderstanding of intention?
• Survive a missed appointment?
• Last beyond a forgotten task?
• Etc.

I don’t propose that I have a “silver bullet” answer for creating more margin. I do find myself thinking about it a lot the last few days.

I suppose that each person has to find his own way to create margin in his life. So, as we prepare to end 2010 and begin 2011, I’ll share the question with you that I’ve been asking myself:

What will you do, starting now, to create more time, financial, and relationship margin in your life?

This is a big question to consider, and it relates directly to how you set your goals for next year.

If you have suggestions for me or others reading this post that might help in this process, please leave a comment below.

If you have specific questions about setting better goals, my friend and colleague, Kevin Eikenberry, is leading a free teleseminar on December 21 to address goal setting issues. You can leave your question for him and register here.

Related posts:

1. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
2. Conflict Resolution from John Wooden – What’s Right Not Who’s Right
3. Learning to Embrace Messiness

To take charge of your life, focus on controlling what you can.

As a practical matter, there’s not much you can control. So, you might as well control what you can.

You cannot control:

• How other people treat you
• How other people respond to you
• What other people say
• The weather
• Company policies (for many people)
• Laws (again, for most people)
• etc.

You can control your own words, actions, reactions, and interactions.

That’s it.

When I discuss this idea in training, I often say that of the 6+ billion people on the planet I can only control one of them. And he doesn’t always cooperate with me.

Still, controlling myself is all I’ve got.

For example, I can’t control whether or not people read this blog. I can control how often I post.

I can’t control if people treat me with respect. I can control if I treat them with respect.

And, the list goes on in like manner.

The point is this:

By focusing on what I can control, I become less concerned with what I cannot control.

With this as my focus, I can take charge of my life. You can choose to do the same.

Related posts:

1. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
2. Commit to Continual Learning – Life Lessons From Cal Ripken, Jr
3. Victim or Victor – You Decide

As I reflected on what he had to say and I considered some of the questions I receive in workshops, seminars, teleseminars, and coaching calls, I realized that part of what I hope to accomplish with my work is to help people get free of thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors that trap them in bad situations — bad work relationships, bad personal relationships, bad partnerships, etc.

So, I’m starting a series of articles targeted at specific things you can do to take charge of your life. I haven’t mapped out a detailed plan at this point. The series might be 6 articles or 16. I don’t know right now. I’m just going to write them and keep adding to the series until it is finished.

The general principles that come to mind as I start are:

• Control what you can
• Influence who you can
• Forget about the things and people you can neither control nor influence
• Stay focused on what you can do rather than what you can’t do
• Take responsibility for your situation.

I might think of some others as the series progresses. I would certainly be open to input on what to include on this list. Please let me know if you see a core, guiding principle for taking charge of your life that I missed.

The general principles are sort of like the airplane control panel in the picture above. They give you a way of looking at and evaluating your life to see what you either need or want to change. I’ll be exploring each of them individually and some related ideas in future articles. I hope you’ll stop by again and check the series out as it unfolds.

Related posts:

1. Take Charge of Your Life – Control What You Can
2. Commit to Continual Learning – Life Lessons From Cal Ripken, Jr
3. The ABC’s of Life: Accept Difference

If you’re willing to listen, you can learn all sorts of lessons from all kinds of people.

Today, I had the chance to see Cal Ripken, Jr speak at a conference in Baltimore, Maryland. Just in case you don’t know him, he played many seasons with the Baltimore Orioles baseball team. He holds the Major League Baseball record for the most consecutive games played (2632).

He spoke about his personal perspective on perseverance and success. At one point, speaking about the need to continually learn, grow, and improve, he said:

The ones who become satisfied with who they are have short careers.

What a powerful way to make the point about the need to constantly invest the effort to become better. He was speaking specifically about baseball players, and the lesson applies to all of us: leaders, team members, co-workers, parents, and spouses.

I encourage you to take this wisdom to heart and to commit yourself to lifelong, personal growth.

Related posts:

1. Take Charge of Your Life – Control What You Can
2. How to Take Charge of Your Life – General Principles
3. Learning to Embrace Messiness