Understanding People | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for understanding people

Nov
14

Five Questions to Make Sure that You Understand Others Correctly

by Guy Harris

Have you ever taken an action – either immediately or at some later time – based on what you heard someone say only to find out after you acted (or spoke) that you did not accurately understand their statement or request?

So far, everyone I have asked this question in a face-to-face conversation answers pretty much the same way. In effect, they all say: “Yes, of course I have.” And, the truth is, so have I.

As the Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw, said:

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

The illusion that you accurately understand another person’s intended message based solely on your interpretation of his words, tone and body language is a trap that can hinder your desire to become a truly remarkable communicator. You certainly have an interpretation of what he intended to say, and you never really know if you understand correctly until you confirm it with him. Confirming mutual understanding is the feedback loop often missing in situations that lead to misunderstanding and frustration.

When you develop the ability to check your own understanding of the messages you interpret from what another person says by consciously inserting a feedback loop, you improve the odds of effectively communicating with her. Well phrased confirmation questions can help you do this gracefully and with ease to improve the odds that you get positive replies rather than snarky comebacks.

Here are five ways you can phrase a confirmation question:

“Let me say back to you what I think you just said, so that I can be sure I understood you correctly…”
“Please correct me if I am wrong. I understood you to say ________. Is that correct?”
“If I hear you correctly, you are saying _____________. Is that right?”
“I hear you saying ____________. Is that right?”
“It sounds to me like you feel/think ____________. Did I understand you correctly?”

If you look closely at each question, you will see a common thought: if a miscommunication happened, it’s my problem and not the other person’s.

You can probably find other ways to express the same idea, and I encourage you to do so. You do not want to say the same thing over and over again in the same conversation to the point that you sound like an inauthentic automaton.

This list is a good place to start your own list of confirmation questions. I suggest that you think of others to add to your communication toolkit so that you can have many of them to pull on when you find yourself in the middle of a high-stakes conversation.

If you have other ways of confirming that you understood correctly, please add them in the comments section below.

1 Categories : Communication Skills, Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Resolving Conflict

Jul
15

Applying the DISC Model: Breaking Through A Common Frustration

by Guy Harris

Today, I led a DISC communication skills workshop that ended with a role-play exercise to allow participants the opportunity to practice the skills we had been discussing.

For many of the people in the class, this was their first in-depth exposure to the DISC model and how to use it to more effectively communicate with others. The class was lively, engaged, and energetic with everyone in the room displaying a highly positive approach to learning. And, the role-play exercise brought to the surface a common frustration many people feel as they learn to apply the concepts I teach for becoming a better communicator.

As people attempted to “put on” the style of another person during the role-play, many of them felt awkward. Their role-play partners sensed this awkwardness. As a result, the participants attempts to connect with people with a different natural behavior style actually decreased the connection between them rather than increasing it.

They were frustrated. I was encouraged.

I was encouraged because they were making a genuine effort to connect with other people in a way that would make the recipient of the communication attempt feel most comfortable. Even though the results were not all that great initially, the effort to bridge the difference gap encouraged me.

They saw their efforts as failures. I saw their efforts as natural parts of the learning process.

A model for learning I often use speaks of learning happening in four stages:

Unconscious incompetence
The “I don’t know that I don’t know” stage.
Conscious incompetence
The “I realize that I don’t know something” stage.
Conscious competence
The “I understand how to do this, and I have to think about it to make it work” stage.
Unconscious competence
The “this has become natural to me and I don’t have to think about it any more” stage.

In attempting to apply the learning from the session, they were confronted with both the difficulty and awkwardness of learning to apply a new skill.

When I talked with them about the skills and they asked me questions, my answers seemed rather simple and effortless to them. For me, the answers were simple and effortless. In many situations, I have achieved (after much struggle and many failures) the unconscious competence level of learning for this material.

They are at the uncomfortable level of learning somewhere between conscious incompetence and conscious competence.

To break through this frustration, I encouraged them to keep at it even though the communication approach felt odd. I also encouraged them to seek feedback from other people about how their communication efforts were progressing. For example, I told people with Dominant traits to seek feedback from people with Supportive traits and vice-versa.

If you want to master using the DISC model to become a better communicator, I encourage you to do the same thing. Keep practicing and getting feedback on your efforts. You will eventually break through the awkwardness of trying to put on another person’s communication style to the comfort of authentically communicating by understanding their communication style.

0 Categories : Communication Skills, DISC Model

Jun
2

Employee Motivation Tips: Their DISC Behavior Style

by Guy Harris

In previous posts, I have written about a model for understanding what motivates behavior and three clues you can use to find what motivates another person.

Today, I’ll share some quick insights about what motivates people based on their DISC behavioral style.

A person who has outgoing and task-oriented (Dominant) traits is often motivated by:

Solving problems
Conquering challenging situations
Getting results

And they will often prefer to work at a fast pace with a focus on quick results and direct action.

A person who has outgoing and people-oriented (Inspiring) traits is often motivated by:

The opportunity to interact with others
Public recognition
Varied activities

And they will often prefer to work at a fast pace with a focus on doing things in a fun way that does not require high attention to detail.

A person who has reserved and people-oriented (Supp0rtive) traits is often motivated by:

Teamwork
The opportunity to help others
Feeling appreciated for their contribution

And they will often prefer to work at a steady pace with a focus on doing the work process in a way that minimizes risk and strengthens relationships.

A person who has reserved and task-oriented (Cautious) traits is often motivated by:

Structuring or organizing things
Researching or searching for information
Finding the “right” solution for a problem

And they will often prefer to work alone with a focus on details and proper structure.

As you work to apply this information in your personal and professional life, remember that people have varying degrees of all of these traits in their behavioral style blends and that you are likely to observe at least two of the four styles to a significant degree in most people.

The information in this post is only intended to give you a basic framework for understanding what might motivate another person. It is not intended as a complete and exhaustive description of how the DISC model might reveal motivational patterns and preferences.

This article is from the Motivation series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

The 5 Be's of Motivation
The Positive Runs Out
A Simple Model for Understanding What Drives Behavior
You Cannot Punish People into Good Behavior
Three Clues You Can Use to Find What Motivates Another Person
Employee Motivation Tips: Their Personal Life
Employee Motivation Tips: Their DISC Behavior Style

1 Categories : Leadership Skills, Parenting

May
7

Employee Motivation Tips: Their Personal Life

by Guy Harris

Many leaders struggle with finding ways to motivate people to higher level performance.

I have already written that you cannot motivate another person. So, let’s set aside the idea that the leader provides the motivation and move on to the idea that a leader can learn to identify the things that do motivate the people on his or her team.

In previous posts, I wrote about Three Clues You Can Use to Find What Motivates Another Person and A Simple Model for Understanding What Drives Behavior. In this post, I’m offering a thought to expand the idea that you can look at a person’s hobbies and interests to find clues about what motivates him and then apply that insight as you assign and delegate tasks.

Current motivation research, like the research Daniel Pink shares in Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, indicates that excessive reliance on extrinsic motivators — rewards, praise and prizes — can eventually have a negative impact on overall motivation.

A quick look at the model I shared previously could lead to the conclusion that the consequences referenced in that model refer only to externally applied rewards, prizes, bonuses, recognition, etc.

A deeper look reveals that a consequence is anything a person experiences as a result of her behavior. So, the emotions and personal satisfaction that people experience from their behaviors can be consequences that drive behavior. These emotions fall into the category of intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivators, and it is these emotions that people’s hobbies often reveal.

For example, I like woodworking, writing, building websites, working on my house, landscaping, and cooking. These activities show that part of what motivates me is analyzing and solving problems. When I do things that give me that opportunity, the work itself becomes a motivator because it gives me the emotional satisfaction of analyzing and solving a problem.

These hobbies also reveal that I tend to like working alone. I can (and do) call on customers and socialize with people. However, these activities are work to me.

My hobbies are play to me.

Work tires and play energizes.

A wise leader hoping to “motivate” me to higher performance would, as much as possible within the confines of the business need, give me assignments that maximized my ability to analyze and solve problems.

As you look for what motivates your team members, remember to look at their hobbies and interests for clues you can use to work with them in a way that taps their intrinsic motivation as much as possible.

Side note – Parents can use this idea with their children as well. What activities energize your kids and which ones drain them?

Photo by prettydreamer.workshop.

This article is from the Motivation series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

The 5 Be's of Motivation
The Positive Runs Out
A Simple Model for Understanding What Drives Behavior
You Cannot Punish People into Good Behavior
Three Clues You Can Use to Find What Motivates Another Person
Employee Motivation Tips: Their Personal Life
Employee Motivation Tips: Their DISC Behavior Style

0 Categories : Leadership Skills, Parenting

Mar
26

A Simple Model for Understanding What Drives Behavior

by Guy Harris

The diagram above shows a simplified model for better understanding what drives behavior.

Since people often spend their lives studying and understanding what really drives our behavior, I am pretty confident that I cannot hope to fully cover the topic in this short post.

I can provide a quick overview you can use to diagnose what’s happening in your interactions with other people and how you might be able to modify your approaches to get better results, have more fun, experience more satisfying relationships, and make sense of what you see people do.

Here’s a simplified description of what the model shows:

We enter a situation.
We anticipate the outcome we want from that situation.
We choose the behavior that (we hope) gives us that outcome.

This description leads to the following implication:

We choose our behaviors based on what we expect to happen after we do them.

The consequence is what we expect that we will experience as a result of our behaviors. In this context, a consequence is anything that we experience as a result of our behavior. A consequence might be some external thing we receive or get because of our behavior. A consequence can also be the feelings we get from the behavior.

As you might guess, we tend to avoid negative consequences and to pursue positive consequences. As a result, negative consequences (like punishments) tend to discourage repeating behaviors and positive consequences (like rewards) tend to encourage behaviors to repeat in the future.

Part of the challenge with applying this model in practice comes from a common error known as perception error. Perception error happens because not every person sees every consequence the same way. What one person sees as a reward; a different person might see as a punishment.

You can use the DISC model to gain insights to avoid perception error.

For example, public recognition might be a reward for an outgoing, people-oriented person and it might be a punishment for a reserved, people-oriented person.

You can also apply the 5 Be’s of Motivation as you work with other people to encourage better interactions and results.

Remember, this is a very quick, very simplified description of this model and it’s implications. I’ll offer more insights in future posts.