Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Reflect, Respect, Reengineer, and Reinvent

This blog is about learning to take a close look at your thoughts, feelings, responses, and reactions to find better and more effective ways to resolve conflicts, lead teams, and clearly communicate to build and maintain both professional and personal relationships...[Read More]

The ABC’s of Life: Forgive

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While forgiving often seems like something that you do for others, it is, in reality, something you do for yourself.

Forgiving benefits the person who receives forgiveness, and it benefits the person who forgives even more.

Many times, the person that has not received forgiveness has forgotten the event while the person who refuses to forgive continues to harbor anger and bitterness. Holding on to anger and bitterness harms the angry person more than it harms others.

I have heard many people say that they have experienced events in their lives that they cannot forgive. I suggest that line of thinking makes two common mistakes:

  1. Confusing forgiving with forgetting, and
  2. Confusing can't forgive with won't forgive.

You can forgive someone for their actions without forgetting what happened.  If the harm really is severe and you believe that it will come back again in the future, you can choose to let go of the anger and negative thoughts about the other person without forgetting that they cannot be trusted in certain situations.

If someone has harmed you, you can forgive them in order to move forward and remember that you do not feel safe trusting them in the future.

Choosing to let go of anger implies an act of will. It is a choice, and most people (with only a few exceptions) really are free to choose how they think.

Initial anger might be beyond control, and that moment is temporary. Continuing to be angry is a choice.

To free yourself to build healthy, happy, productive personal and professional relationships, choose to forgive.

This article is from the ABC's of Life series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

The ABC’s of Life: Express Thanks

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As I continue this post series inspired by The ABC's of Life wall hanging pictured above, I am again struck by both the simplicity of the concept and the apparent difficulty many of us have with living out these powerful thoughts.

Today's thought is to express thanks.

It's not really that hard to do. Or is it?

When we are tired, thinking about other things, or feeling awkward, we can overlook the idea of expressing thanks. I'm not talking about thinking thankful thoughts or giving someone a quick nod of acknowledgment. I'm talking about actually saying the words thank-you. For example:

  • When my wife fixes dinner, do I always say thanks?
  • When my daughter gets me a cup of coffee in the morning, do I always say thanks?
  • When my colleagues and co-workers do something to help, do I always say thanks?
  • When my neighbor cuts a bit of the grass in my yard when they are doing theirs, do I always say thanks?
  • When a stranger waits a moment to hold the door for me, do I always say thanks?

Sadly, the answer to all of these is: no.

I think I do a fairly good job of expressing thanks, and today's thought reminds me that I could do better. I know that I have missed opportunities to thank people in my life.

Some of them, I have mentioned above, and there are others. There are mentors, old friends, and family members who have done acts of kindness and service for me that I have not fully and properly acknowledged with a spoken thanks. I'm getting better as I mature, and I still have some catching up to do.

It's not too late.

For example, a few weeks ago I thought of something a friend of mind did for me in high school, and I had never thanked her for it.  We were friendly in high school, but not really close friends. She was pretty, popular, and very outgoing (at least that's how I remember her). I was geeky, awkward, and terribly shy around girls (that's how I remember me).

One day in the gym she stepped in to stop some people from slapping the sunburn on my back. Because of my embarrassment and shyness, I never thanked her. I appreciated what she did. I just didn't say anything about it.

When I remembered again, I found her on facebook, and I sent a thank-you message thirty-something years after the event. Based on her reaction, I'm guessing it was a pleasant surprise to her.  As I suspected, she had not remembered the event. It was a small event out of four years of high school. There was no reason for her to remember.

It was important, though, to let her know that I had remembered, and that her kindness made a difference for someone. In the end, it cost me almost nothing, and it was encouraging to her. I would call that a great return on investment. I am really happy that I remembered the event and that I took action on the memory.

Has anyone ever done something for you that you haven't yet thanked them for? If the answer is yes, find them and thank them. You will both be glad that you did.

This article is from the ABC's of Life series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

The ABC’s of Life: Dream

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As I continue this post series inspired by a plaque I purchased while visiting the Biltmore House this past Christmas, I keep getting challenged by both the plaque and the process of writing about each word in succession.

Today, I'm tackling a topic that does not come naturally to me. Actually, dreaming seems a bit flaky from my perspective. (Remember, I call myself The Recovering Engineer).

For me, dreaming triggers thoughts of unrealistic expectations, false hopes, and illogical pursuits. These are the first thoughts that come to mind based on my naturally analytical, logical, fact-based view of the world.

My second thought is that this view is a bit sad.

It's sad because it limits possibility. It's sad because it extinguishes hope. It's sad because it's so logical.

I am not suggesting that we give up logical, rational assessment. That would violate my natural view of the world.

I am suggesting that we give logical, rational assessment a holiday on occasion so that we can see possibilities.

When we fail to see possibilities, we are stuck only what we currently have. Without a dream, nothing ever changes for the better.

Without someone having a dream, we would not have

  • Air travel
  • Automobiles
  • Personal computers
  • Smart phones
  • Music
  • Buildings
  • Indoor plumbing
  • Sporting events
  • Concerts
  • Museums
  • And the list goes on.

Do I believe that dreaming alone will make good things happen? No. I do believe that good things will not happen without a dream to get the ball rolling.

Do I believe that a dream will get you through every obstacle you face? Nope. I don't believe that either. I do believe that the dream gives you the energy it takes to do the work to anticipate and overcome the obstacles you will inevitably face in pursuit of the dream.

Yesterday, I listened to an audio program by Dan Kennedy. Some people love him. Some people hate him. Anyone who studies his business track record will agree that he has been very successful.

In that program, he said that he was optimistic about the big picture and pessimistic about the details. In other words, he operates with the hope and expectation of accomplishing big things even though he realizes that he might experience set-backs and challenges in the pursuit. To deal with the set-backs and challenges, he anticipates and plans for anything he can envision going wrong. Then, when he encounters a problem, he has a plan for dealing with it rather than being defeated by it.

In short — dream big and plan for problems.

I think his approach is a great idea.

Today, despite my natural tendencies, I encourage you to dream.

This article is from the ABC's of Life series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

The ABC’s of Life: Count Your Blessings

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Count Your Blessings

Bad stuff happens to everyone.

We all face illness, the death of loved ones, financial crises, job setbacks, relationship challenges, and mechanical malfunctions. All of them are real, and all of them can breed frustration. When faced with these events, we often view them only in the negative context, and we ask the question: “Why me?”

Recently, I read a quote by the great tennis player Arthur Ashe:

If I were to say, “God, why me?” about the bad things, then I should have said, “God, why me?” about the good things that happened in my life.

— Arthur Ashe

If I understand correctly, he said this sometime after he was diagnosed with AIDS — after he was confronted with and had to live with “bad” news.

After this diagnosis, he went on to speak out for AIDS awareness rather than quietly retire to a private life.  Shortly before his death, he founded the Arthur Ashe Institute for Urban Health.  He kept using his blessings to help others even when he had received what many would call a curse.

Here's what I propose, don't ask “why” questions when confronted with adversity. Instead, ask “what” questions. Ask:

  • What lesson have I learned from this experience?
  • What will I do now?
  • What good is there in this situation?

“What” questions give you power. “Why” questions sap your strength.

And, I come back to the title of this post: Count Your Blessings.

Despite any hardship, all of us have some blessing.

If I have a co-worker who drives me nuts, I have a job. If my car has a broken water pump, I have a car. If my furnace breaks, I live indoors.  If I lose a loved one, I had the privilege of knowing them.

I do not suggest that counting your blessings during a crisis or hardship is an easy thing to do. Nor do I claim to always execute this thought perfectly.

I do know that when I have found the strength and wisdom to look past the challenge to see the blessing, the challenge seemed less daunting, and I had the energy to persevere. When I have focused on the challenge, I have felt hopeless and without energy.

So, to have energy, enthusiasm, and happiness — count your blessings.

This article is from the ABC's of Life series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

The ABC’s of Life: Be Kind

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Be Kind

What a simple concept, and it is so often violated.

It does not seem that being kind should be difficult. Yet, I see examples of unkindness all around me.

  • Parents yelling at their kids.
  • Kids ignoring their parents.
  • Bosses interrupting employees.
  • Employees gossiping about their boss.
  • People cutting each other off in traffic.
  • Customers getting impatient with store employees.
  • Store employees failing to listen to customers.
  • And the list goes on.

It's really not so hard to be kind. What is hard is remembering to do it when you are stressed, tired, rushed, or frustrated.

Today, my encouragement for you is to be kind.

Let someone go first at an intersection. Stop and listen to your employee, co-worker, spouse, or child. Let the person who is rude to you finish what they have to say. Take your neighbor's garbage can to their garage. Hold the door for someone.

Do something today to be kind to another person.

I think it will make their day — and yours.

This article is from the ABC's of Life series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

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