Parenting | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for Parenting

Feb
28

People are a Package Deal

by Guy Harris

Nearly everyone irritates me to some extent. Even the people close to me — my wife, my kids, my friends, and my professional colleagues — irritate me from time to time.

All of them have body gestures, word choices, and tones that get under my skin because I see them as rude, impatient, inconsiderate or pushy. Everyone, and I do mean everyone, frustrates me some of the time.

And I’m okay with that.

The reality is that I probably frustrate, irritate, and aggravate them to some extent as well. As I think about it, probably is the wrong word. Let me rephrase that last sentence.

I definitely frustrate, irritate, and aggravate the people close to me.

I can say that I irritate them with a certainty because I am a human being, and people are a package deal.

A few months ago, I was speaking with my friend and colleague JJ Brun, and he said that he had come to the conclusion that when he was in any kind of relationship with a person, he had to accept the frustrating and challenging parts of their behaviors if he was going to enjoy the positive parts.

JJ said he realized that the good and the bad in a person are inseparable because people are a package deal. The phrase is pure JJ. And it’s brilliant.

I’m okay with the fact that people close to me sometimes irritate me because I choose to focus on the good things that they bring to the relationship rather than on their annoying behaviors. I realize that they are a package deal — just like me. I want them to accept me with all of my frustrating, irritating and aggravating habits. So, I have to accept them as well.

The next time you find yourself focusing on a negative attribute that another person brings to your relationship with them, shift your focus and look instead at the good they bring.

Remember, people are a package deal.

0 Categories : Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Parenting

Jul
27

Employee Motivation: Compliance or Commitment?

by Guy Harris

Whether you are trying to resolve a conflict, coach an employee, or correct your child’s behavior; you have to wrestle with your real goals. You have to ask yourself, “Do I want compliance or commitment?”

Many people might say, “As long as they do what I asked them to do, I don’t really care whether people are compliant or committed.”

I would say that if you want one-time action and results in a situation where you do not have to continue working or living with the other person, then compliance is fine. After all, in a one-time event, you don’t really care about the long-term impact on the relationship.

If, however, you are in a relationship with someone, either personally or professionally, I would say that compliance is bad goal.

In Why We Do What We Do, Edward Deci argues that compliance is really silent retaliation. I agree.

Deci’s comments remind me of the story of a young boy who insisted on standing up in class. After the teacher spoke with his mother, his mother made it clear that he would experience severely negative consequences if he got in trouble with his teacher again on this issue. The next day, as he sat in his seat, his teacher said something to him about how nicely he was sitting. He replied, “I’m sitting on the outside, but I’m standing on the inside!”

With compliance, we can get apparent cooperation and bare minimum performance while we are with people. With commitment, we get cooperation even when we are not present, and we create the possibility that the other person will work with extra, discretionary effort to get even better results.

The issue of striving for commitment over compliance is one that I sometimes struggle with as I work with others, and I believe that in most cases making the effort to connect and communicate in respectful ways to build commitment is far better than applying strong negative consequences with the hope of gaining compliance.

3 Categories : Leadership Skills, Parenting

Jul
6

Conflict Resolution Tips: Don’t Assume You Know What Someone Will Do

by Guy Harris

Have you ever seen or been involved in a conflict conversation where one person said: “I knew that you were going to say that!”

If you have, you probably noticed that the conflict intensity escalated from that point forward.

This type of statement is aggressive. It says that how you anticipate another person will react is a forgone conclusion rather than an expectation. It leaves no room for the other person’s autonomy and self-control. It subtly places you in an intellectually and emotionally “superior” position relative to the other person.

Saying that you “know” what someone else will do or say is like saying that you can unzip his head and know what’s going on even before he does.

If you want to create more conflict and escalate the emotional level of your conversation, tell someone that you “knew” she would react however she did.

If you want to leave room for conflict resolution and effective communication, strike this type of comment from your conflict repertoire and apply these seven ways to improve your communication during a conflict.

0 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips, Parenting, Resolving Conflict

Jun
15

The Difference Between Doing and Mastering

by Guy Harris

A few months ago, I bought a guitar and started the process of learning to play. A few days ago, I wrote a post about what my motivation to purchase a guitar can teach leaders of all kinds.

Today, I have another lesson drawn from my recent guitar playing endeavor for people of all ages and roles.

First, the story behind the lesson.

As my daughters and a friend of mine patiently teach me scales, chords, chord progressions, hand positions, and strumming patterns; I have learned to struggle through a song or two. I don’t model the ease and beauty of playing that you might see in a true guitar master like Eric Clapton or Jim Croce (yes, I am showing my age), I can manage to, generally, make sounds that resemble music.

I know how to make my left hand create a number of chords. I know them by name, and I know a few simple variations. I have even learned what it means to hammer on and pull off. It’s great fun even though the finger tips of my left hand alternate between painful and numb.

In the process, I have learned that…

The concepts of playing a guitar are relatively simple, but playing a guitar well is not easy.

I quickly learned some fundamentals, and, using those fundamentals, I can fumble through a few songs. I am a looong way from true proficiency with the guitar. Still, I believe that with effort, practice, study, and the willingness to fail in the process; I can achieve some level of mastery.

The same is true for anyone working to apply the communication and conflict resolution principles that I write about and teach. It takes effort, practice, study, and the willingness to fail in the process to master them.

Becoming a great leader, communicator, conflict resolver, parent, or anything else, depends on the work done in the process of becoming proficient. It does not happen without study and focused practice.

The difference between doing something you have heard or seen someone else do and doing it with mastery is in the time and effort invested after you learn the concept.

Photo by seriousbri.

5 Categories : Communication Skills, Leadership Skills, Parenting, Resolving Conflict

Jun
8

Employee Motivation Tips: The Why Matters

by Guy Harris

There are two musical instruments I would like to play. One is the saxophone and the other is the guitar.

When I was in the fifth grade, my parents placed an order to rent a saxophone for the following school year so that I could join the band and learn to play. Over the summer, we moved to a different city where band started in fifth grade. I was out of sequence with the school system, and I wasn’t able to take private lessons.

I didn’t learn to play the saxophone that year.

Somewhere in my teen years, I thought about playing the guitar. I eventually got one — I think I was about 18 or 19. It sat in my closet until I was in the Navy and I had a roommate with a guitar.

With my roommate’s coaxing and help, I learned to play — a very little bit. We were assigned to different submarines, and I put down the guitar. I have no idea where that guitar is or what happened to it.

That was about 25 or 26 years ago.

This past Christmas, my youngest daughter asked for a guitar, and she got one.

She will be leaving home this fall to attend the residential honors high school that her older sister graduated from a few weeks ago. In short, both of my girls will be out of the house starting in August.

As I thought about my youngest daughter leaving home to attend school, it occurred to me that she would only be with me full-time for about eight more months. If I wanted to do something with her to build memories and relationship, the time was short.

When she got her guitar, I also thought about my goal of learning to play the guitar.

Suddenly, the goal that first surfaced over 30 years ago had a new meaning. It was now about something I could do with my daughter.

The “why” of the goal moved from the sort-of-a-neat-idea category to the I’ve-got-to-do-it-now-because-it’s-very-emotional category.

The guitars in the picture with this post are ours. My daughter’s is on the right. Mine is on the left.

For leaders of any kind — managers, supervisors, business owners, coaches, teachers, or parents — the lesson in this story is key to understanding what might motivate someone to take action.

It’s the “why” not the “what” that gets people moving.

I had a new guitar in my home as quickly as I could make it happen when the emotion behind the goal got big enough. That emotion wasn’t about money, recognition, or any other externally applied consequence. And buying the guitar was not, ultimately, about the guitar. It was about time with my daughter and memories.

When you find ways to communicate with people about issues bigger and more emotional to them — to them is the key point here — they will move to action to accomplish the goal.

I am not suggesting that external motivators have no impact.

I am suggesting that looking for the personal, emotional hook and clearly communicating the connection between the task or goal and that emotional hook will get you more high-energy, discretionary effort than anything else you can do as a leader.

In a post about finding what motivates other people, I shared some insights that might help you in the process of finding that emotional hook. It’s not always easy. It can often be done.

By the way, I still don’t own or know how to play a saxophone. I guess the “why” isn’t big enough yet.