Archive for Resolving Conflict

Face-to-face anger

The perception of threat is the primary cause for conflict escalation. The most important word in the previous sentence is perception. If you have no intention of causing the other person harm (either physically or emotionally) and they perceive that you do intend to harm them, your real intentions do not matter. With regard to the affect your actions have on the conflict, it only matters that they perceive you to be a threat.

The leverage point for de-escalating the conflict is their perception, and the strongest impact you will likely have on their perception is your tone and body language.

One commonly referenced study on the impact of non-verbal clues in the communication process comes from Albert Mehrabian. In this study, Mehrabian found that when we communicate about feelings and attitudes the received message (the receiver’s perception and interpretation of the message) is based on a combination of word choice, vocal tone, and facial expression. Meharabian expressed this observation with his “Liking Formula” that says:

Total Liking = 7% Verbal Liking + 38% Vocal Liking + 55% Facial Liking

Mehrabian’s study has been misquoted, misapplied, and misconstrued by many people to say that 93% of every message we convey to others comes from our tone and body language, and that interpretation is simply not true. What is true is that in ambiguous situations where we are conveying like-dislike and other emotional context messages to others, people place more emphasis on the tone and body language than they do to the words. The practical implication of this observation is this:

If your words do not match your tone and body language, people will believe your tone and body language before they will believe your words.

To become a master of conflict resolution, you need to learn more than a basket of tips, techniques, strategies, and phrases. You need to develop the ability to observe your tone and body language to identify inconsistencies between the words you are using and the non-verbal messages you are conveying.

When you find yourself in a conflict and you are working to resolve it successfully, choose non-threatening tones and body language so that your words of resolution will match the non-verbal messages you send.

photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar via photopin cc

This article is from the De-escalation Tips series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

sorry-sky-writing

Apology is a powerful — and often under used — conflict resolution tool. One reason for not apologizing that I often hear in my work with clients is the concern that apologizing either totally admits fault for the conflict or reveals a weakness.

While these concerns may be legitimate in some situations, they are overblown in most cases.

The perception of threat is the primary reason for conflict escalation, and removing this perception is the leverage point for conflict de-escalation. Apology works so well because it makes you less threatening to the other person.

Here are three tips for apologizing in a way that leads to de-escalation…

  1. Only apologize for your behaviors, words and actions, and never apologize for the other person’s feelings or interpretations.
    While it can happen, I seldom see situations where a conflict starts and escalates due solely to the actions of one person. So, there is likely some word choice, tone, or action that you contributed to the conflict escalation. When you are willing to take responsibility for your contribution, you tend to reduce the perception the other person has that you are a threat to them.Likewise, when you apologize for the other person’s feelings, you subtly imply that you are in control of their emotional state. For many people, when you claim ownership for their feelings you convey a threat signal.
  2. Maintain appropriate eye contact.
    Appropriate eye contact conveys respect and trustworthiness. As a result, good eye contact is a critical component of an effective apology.
  3. Make sure your tone and body language match your message.
    In his often quoted (and misquoted) communication study, Albert Mehrabian found that body language and tone are the majority contributors to the received message in face-to-face communication. For the purpose of this post, the key observation is that when the message conveyed by tone and body language does not match the message sent by your word choice, the listener tends to believe the tone and body language in preference to the words.

With these tips in mind, here are some suggested ways to successfully phrase an apology…

  • “I apologize for the tone I used.”
  • “I am sorry that I spoke in a way that was offensive to you.”
  • “I am sorry that I said/did ______.”

Please add your tips and suggestions in the comments section.

photo credit: butupa via photopin cc

This article is from the De-escalation Tips series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

uderstanding-wordle

A common reason that conflicts escalate is the perception of threat one or both parties see in the conflict escalation cycle. Taking an action that makes you non-threatening to the other person is a powerful step towards de-escalating the conflict.

In many conflict situations I have observed a tendency by some people to minimize, criticize, or demean the emotions expressed by other people. I have also seen people attempt to tell other people how they should feel about a situation.

All of these actions trigger the perception of threat that tends to escalate conflicts.

If your interest is in de-escalating a conflict, I suggest that you do the opposite. I recommend that you accept and acknowledge the feelings other people express whether you agree that they should feel that way or not.

As I said in my post about Listening as a Way to De-escalate Conflict, the need to be heard and understood is a strong motivator in our relationships with other people. Accepting and acknowledging other people’s feelings goes a long way towards showing people that they have been heard and understood.

This article is from the De-escalation Tips series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

Listening intently

 

Recently, I read this statement: “They keep yelling at me that I’m not listening.” I would love to give credit to the person who said it, but I’ve lost the source. I think I saw it as a tweet in my twitter stream. I’m just not sure of that. In any case, I thought it was funny.

Funny? Yes. A good perspective for conflict resolution?  No.

When said in a tongue-in-cheek way while observing the irony, the statement is, at least to me, really funny. When said as a way to escape responsibility,  to  deflect the damage we do to others and to our relationships, or to blame the other person when we fail to listen, the statement reveals a pretty natural consequence of not listening to what others have to say.

In fact, failing to listen actually invites the other person to “yell at you.” Why?

Because failing to listen violates a need almost universally expressed by people in all cultures: the need to be heard and understood. Failing to meet another person’s need — or worse, violating a need — sends a threat signal through the other person’s mind that triggers the conflict escalation cycle.

In Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior Ori and Rom Brafman reference several studies that point to the need to be heard and how it affects people ranging from convicted felons to venture capitalists.

The specifics of the people’s lives and the events they are evaluating are different, and people on both ends of this cultural spectrum report higher levels of satisfaction with events — without regard to the quality of the objective outcomes — when they feel that the other person involved in the situation with them spent time with them and listened to their concerns.

For the prisoners, the other person was their attorney. For the venture capitalists, the other person was running the company where they invested money. Two completely different situations with completely different measures of success, and one primary human need cited as the driving force for satisfaction with the outcome: the need to be heard and understood.

In a previous post, I listed listening as one of Five Ways to Ee-escalate a Conflict. The reason that listening works so well is that it meets a human need. Looking for ways to meet the other person’s needs helps to take the perception of threat out of your interaction so that you can move the conflict towards resolution.

Will listening guarantee conflict resolution? No, it won’t.

Not listening, though, virtually guarantees conflict escalation.

Become conflict confident!

This article is from the De-Escalation Tips series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

No Threat

Reversing the course of an escalating conflict is a topic that surfaces frequently in my work with coaching clients and workshop participants. I have received emails, blog comments, and twitter requests for help with this topic. While full treatment of the topic goes beyond what I can completely cover in a single blog post, I thought I would collect what I would consider the most powerful and most universal tips for conflict de-escalation.

In a previous post on why conflicts escalate, I wrote on the perception-anger-behavior pattern that often contributes to conflict escalation. The leverage or trigger point of the pattern that leads conflicts to escalate is the perception part — specifically the perception of threat. That leverage point is the focus of this post.

The big idea to remember when you want to de-escalate a conflict is…

Make yourself non-threatening to the other person.

In the interest of giving you specific steps to accomplish the goal of making yourself non-threatening, I suggest that you…

1. Listen

Listening is a powerful tool. When other people think that you have not listened to their concerns, they will almost invariably see you as a threat.

2. Acknowledge and accept they’re emotions/feelings

Building on the idea of listening, I recommend that you acknowledge and accept the other person’s feelings without passing judgement on them. As I said when I wrote the tongue-in-cheek post about how to make a conflict worse, I don’t recommend telling them how they feel. It is usually okay to ask them how they feel and then to acknowledge it.

3. Apologize for your contribution

This is a point I have made before, and I think it is worth making again: very few conflicts are entirely the fault or responsibility of only one party. There is almost always something that you have done to make the conflict worse. To de-escalate the conflict, accept responsibility for your contribution and apologize for it.

4. Control your tone and body language

A significant portion of the message people receive from you in face-to-face communication is conveyed through your body language and your voice tone. If you look threatening, you are threatening. If you want to de-escalate a conflict, remember to control your tone and body-language.

5. Focus on the future

Getting hung-up in the past is a sure-fire way to make conflicts worse. When you shift the conversation to the future, you engage both you and the other person in a problem solving activity rather than a fault-finding exercise. You create hope, and you make yourself less threatening.

In future posts, I’ll share practical strategies and tips for applying these five ways to de-escalate conflicts. In the meantime, remember the key point, to de-escalate a conflict you need to make yourself non-threatening to the other person.

Become conflict confident!

This article is from the De-escalation Tips series. Use the links below to read more from this series.

confidence-thermometer

At one time, I thought I taught conflict resolution. Over time, I have come to realize that I don’t really teach conflict resolution as much as I teach conflict confidence.

To resolve a conflict, you need the other person’s cooperation. Since you cannot demand or force cooperation, you have no control over how the other person will respond to your efforts. As a result, you cannot single-handedly resolve a conflict. You can, however, learn communication, influence, and conflict resolution skills so that you can confidently engage in a conflict conversation with the hopes of leading to a successful outcome.

As I work with clients and help people work through conflicts, I see lack of confidence as a major impediment to successful conflict resolution. In fact, I see it as a major driver leading people to communicate either too passively or too aggressively. Depending on your natural behavior style, lack of confidence might cause you to go either direction. Assertive communication strategies call for you to respond confidently and calmly in tense situations to preserve relationships and to resolve conflicts.

People who lack conflict confidence tend to either retreat or attack when the pressure hits, and those approaches lead to:

  1. Distractions that take the focus off of work that needs to get done
  2. High levels of stress and anxiety
  3. Lost time as people avoid each other or delay conversations
  4. Damaged relationships
  5. Reduced esteem for the other party
  6. Lack of respect for different viewpoints
  7. Distrust of motives and intentions

People with conflict confidence, though, realize that conflict resolution usually lies on the other side of a successful conflict conversation between two people with different viewpoints. They seldom see conflict as a battle between right and wrong. They are able to confidently plan for and engage in the dialogue without attacking the other person or retreating prematurely. As a result, people with conflict confidence….

  1. Get more done
  2. Feel less stress
  3. Save time
  4. Have better relationships
  5. Are more admired
  6. Gain more respect
  7. Build deeper trust

As you continue to learn and grow as a leader, I encourage you to develop true conflict confidence so that you can become a conflict rock star.

Become conflict confident!

Join me in Indianapolis or Las Vegas to build your Conflict Confidence

The Food Table

Last month, my wife created  a miracle. She planned and pulled-off a wedding reception in seven days.

Yes, you read that correctly — seven days from decision to wedding and reception.

Many things happened leading up to the decision, but the simple answer for the question “Why would you do that?” comes down to my daughter’s fiance (now husband) receiving orders to Germany following the completion of his training as an Army medic in March. Since she is a sophomore in college who intends to finish school before joining him permanently in Germany, the break between semesters was the best time for them.

The lessons from the family decision-making process reveal some great communication, conflict resolution, and leadership lessons; and those are stories for other posts on other days. For now, I’m focusing on what happened in the seven days starting December 16th and ending on December 22nd.

We chose to keep things fairly simple, and still it was amazing. There was a wedding dress for the bride, a bridesmaid’s dress for her sister, and a new dress for my wife. There were flowers for the bride, the bridesmaid, and the groom’s best person (his twin sister). There were church sanctuary and fellowship hall decorations. There was a cake. There were heavy hors d’oeuvres chosen to match the first meals as married couples for the new couple, my wife and I, my parents, and my grandparents. There were photographs. There was special music. The beautiful bride (yes, I’m biased) danced with both her husband and her father.

As one friend said, “If you didn’t know the story behind this wedding, you would think you had been planning it for months.”

It was amazing. It was beautiful. And despite the many opportunities to have conflicts and arguments caused by the stress and pressure of the short timeline, everyone came through the process with relationships intact.

At one point during the day of the wedding, another friend asked me how we managed to pull it all together so quickly. I replied: “Some people say this wedding came together in seven days, and it really took fourteen years.”  The comment that came to me spontaneously in response to my friend’s question gets to the learning point of this experience.

You see, we have lived in this rural, Indiana community since 1998. In that time, we have made great friends in churches, businesses, and community organizations throughout the county. We have no immediate family here. We do have great friends.

The wedding reception came together in seven days because of the depth of relationships built up over the course of those fourteen years.

Yes, my wife is great at organizing and delegating. And, her skill would not have mattered without the willing, discretionary effort of the people around her. No amount of ordering and coercing would have gotten the job done. Good will, common focus, and strong relationships did.

The lesson for leaders is this:

To accomplish great things in a short amount of time, invest in relationships before you need something done.

This post would not be complete without saying thank-you to our friends from all over Montgomery County. To us, it doesn’t seem like enough to just say thank-you, and we are so overwhelmed with your generosity, we don’t know what else to say. Thanks.

(If you’d like to see the wedding, there’s a video and pictures at www.adamandlydiawedding.com)