While forgiving often seems like something that you do for others, it is, in reality, something you do for yourself.
Forgiving benefits the person who receives forgiveness, and it benefits the person who forgives even more.
Many times, the person that has not received forgiveness has forgotten the event while the person who refuses to forgive continues to harbor anger and bitterness. Holding on to anger and bitterness harms the angry person more than it harms others.
I have heard many people say that they have experienced events in their lives that they cannot forgive. I suggest that line of thinking makes two common mistakes:
- Confusing forgiving with forgetting, and
- Confusing can't forgive with won't forgive.
You can forgive someone for their actions without forgetting what happened. If the harm really is severe and you believe that it will come back again in the future, you can choose to let go of the anger and negative thoughts about the other person without forgetting that they cannot be trusted in certain situations.
If someone has harmed you, you can forgive them in order to move forward and remember that you do not feel safe trusting them in the future.
Choosing to let go of anger implies an act of will. It is a choice, and most people (with only a few exceptions) really are free to choose how they think.
Initial anger might be beyond control, and that moment is temporary. Continuing to be angry is a choice.
To free yourself to build healthy, happy, productive personal and professional relationships, choose to forgive.
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This is so true and such good advice. Having worked previously for 10 years doing custody investigations for the family courts, I saw many children emotionally harmed because one of both of the parents could not let go of the anger and hurt in order to forgive the other and co-parent effectively. Instead, the children were caught in the middle of their parents hatred and vindictiveness. And as you said, while forgiving the other person helps the situation and the other party, it helps the forgiver so much more. When they’re stuck in their own anger and bitterness it affects their own health and relations with others. Forgiveness allows them to move on with their own lives in a more productive and peaceful manner.
Rhonda – Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Excellent point about forgiveness allowing people to move on with their lives in a productive and peaceful manner.
Guy
Guy, you know I think the toughest part of forgiveness is the letting go part.
I also think that one aspect of forgiveness is entertaining the possibility that we in some way might have contributed to the problem in the first place or at the very least perpetuating the problem.
I had the privilege of spending a day with Ken Cloke a while back, Ken is a thought leader in conflict resolution. he talked a lot about forgiveness and introduced a really useful ‘5-step forgiveness process’. I’ve tried it and it’s powerful! I wrote about it in this post if you you’re interested. Team Conflict
Thanks
Aled
Aled – Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Excellent points. I also enjoyed your blog post. Great to “meet” you here, and I’m glad that I now know about your blog. 🙂
Guy