As I mentioned in my post about why conflicts escalate, bad things can happen when we perceive other people's words or actions to be a threat to us in some way.
As a result of this perception of threat, we often get angry. Then, we behave in ways that they perceive as a threat, and the conflict escalation cycle begins.
Our natural responses to conflict often begin with this perception of threat. This perception triggers our “fight-or-flight” response, and our adrenal glands kick into high gear. At this point, our bodies get flooded with adrenaline and logical, rational thought pretty much stops (at least for a moment).
When we perceive others to be a threat, we generally act in two ways that can be incredibly effective at protecting us from physical harm and terribly detrimental when it comes to resolving most workplace and family conflicts.
How the “fight” response contributes to conflict escalation is pretty straightforward. With this approach, we usually come on too strongly and too aggressively for the vast majority of normal relational situations. As a result, the other person feels a direct threat from our response.
How the “flight” response contributes to conflict escalation is a little more subtle, and still just as powerful in its affect on the conflict escalation cycle.
The flight response often leads us to disengage, remain quiet, and withdraw from the person we perceive as a “threat.”
Depending on the other person's perspective, withdrawing from the situation can signal a number of things that actually contribute to escalating rather than de-escalating the situation (if not immediately, then over time).
For example, they might view us as being unmotivated, unconcerned, or unwilling to engage. In any of these cases, they can feel compelled to pursue interaction in an effort to settle the issue. They pursue, we withdraw, they pursue some more, we withdraw further, etc.
Our withdrawal, rather than helping the situation, has escalated the conflict.
To avoid either of these negative responses, I suggest an approach that starts this way:
Question the story you are telling yourself about the other person.
For example, you can question whether or not they actually intend to be a threat to you by re-framing your internal dialogue this way:
- “Do they mean to harm me in some way, or did I just misunderstand?”
- “Are they really on the attack, or are they just tired and having a bad moment?”
- “Are they an evil person, or did I say something that offended them?”
Alternative stories can stop our perception of threat and lead us to a more positive, rational, and engaged response than either a heated attack or an icy withdrawal. We can act to resolve the communication breakdown rather than act to escalate the conflict.
Please share your thoughts on the steps you can take to move conflicts towards resolution and away from escalation.
Three Ways to Deal with an Angry Person
What a Diverted United Airlines Flight Can Teach You about Conflict Resolution
A Collection of Conflict Resolution Quotes
Conflict De-escalation Strategies: Control Your Tone and Body Language
What’s your opinion on the difference in the conflict resolution styles between a male or a female leader of a board that consists for 80% of men.
Do you agree that the gender issue makes a difference?
Hi Dorothy,
I do think that men and women tend to have different natural approaches to conflict resolution, and I think there is value in both approaches when used in the right circumstances.
I also think that both men and women can learn better, more effective conflict resolution skills.
Other than that, I’m not certain where to go with my reply. If you could give me some more context that would help.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.
Guy
Great suggestion about coming up with “alternative stories” when we are having a fight or flight reaction.
If we did what you suggest more often we would become aware of how much second-guessing we engage in all the time.
Thanks for the sharing your insights
Hi Imelda,
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. It’s always good to know that people get something from this blog.
I hope to ‘see’ you again sometime. 🙂
Hello Guy,
Where were you when I made all of these mistakes over and over again?! The good news is I managed to learn to breathe through my first response, and remember to suspend judgement and ask for clarification – listening to the other person’s point of view.
Even better, I learned to enter every conversation with a sense of optimism, partnership and curiosity – rather than frustration, anger and blame.
I have also learned to control my fear about uncomfortable feedback. It takes practice, and, as you state in your blog, a re-examination of the story I am telling myself about the person or situation.
A good example: Your boss appears at your cubical and says, “Can I talk to you for a minute?” What is your first reaction? If you are like most people, you might think, “Oh, oh, now what’s wrong?” Now, my boss has only, and gently, raked me over the coals 3 times in 2 years. So I should not have this automatic reaction, but I do. So do my own direct report employees – as they have told me.
So we work on this together. I tell them what I want to meet them about when I ask them if we can talk privately for a few minutes. If it is a team issue, we hold a ‘camp fire’ in the middle of our cubicals for no longer than 10 minutes. Thus we reduce the time it takes to get over our first reactions.
Thank you for your valuable information. I’ll be passing it along to my followers!
Valerie – Thanks for the feedback and for your additional comments. Your example is a really good one. I also like the approach you suggest for breaking through these first reactions. Great to ‘meet’ you here.
Thanks again.
Guy