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Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Reflect, Respect, Reengineer, and Reinvent

This blog is about learning to take a close look at your thoughts, feelings, responses, and reactions to find better and more effective ways to resolve conflicts, lead teams, and clearly communicate to build and maintain both professional and personal relationships...[Read More]
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Resolving Conflict Lesson: Watch Your Step

By Guy Harris 2 Comments

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When it comes to conflict, none of us is immune to our emotional triggers.

Just yesterday, I had an interchange with someone close to me (not in my family, but still close) that didn't go very well. This person asked me a question that I perceived negatively, and I got angry.

His wording was a little off, and he got mildly put-off with me as well. However, he didn't mean to irritate me. He had no intention of asking the question that got me going in a way that I would perceive as an attack. Still, I perceived it as an attack, and I got mad.

Yes, I was a bit tired from working some late nights. It is true that I have been sick for the last two days, and I wasn't feeling well. It is also true that his request came to me when I was working under some deadlines to get projects done that were rather pressing. All of these pressures probably made me a little more on edge than usual. And still, I overreacted.

Fortunately, we met face to face shortly after our text/phone interchange, and we quickly resolved the issue. That was good.

Here are the key learning points for all of us (me included):

  • Pick the right time and place to confront a miscommunication – on a cell phone while both of you are driving is probably not a good idea.
  • Be on guard at all times for misperception – yours and theirs. (In this case, I should have been doubly on-guard given my physical state at the time.)
  • When things go astray, be ready to meet personally with the person to work it out.
  • Be willing to apologize for whatever you did to contribute to the conflict.

The reality of life is that you will have conflicts and that knowing intellectually how to resolve them will not make you immune to them. They will often happen when you let your guard down and allow your emotional “buttons” to get “pushed.”  That is certainly what I experienced in this event.

As I get farther away from the event, I begin to wonder: “How did I let myself get so angry so quickly?” The answer, I think, is that I was reacting to a question rather than thinking about the person asking the question and the whole situation. I was judgmental rather than curious. In short, I let my buttons get pushed by someone who had no intention to do so.

So, as I work to get over myself, I encourage you to do the same. Know your emotional triggers, be aware of how they could get unintentionally triggered, and watch your step in communications with others. I don't propose that you or I will ever be perfect at doing this. We can work at it and attempt to get better.

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bludgeoner86/ / CC BY 2.0

Road Rage, Interpretations, and Workplace Conflict

By Guy Harris 1 Comment

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As I returned home from taking my daughter to school last Friday, a gentleman in a van pulled out in front of me and forced me slam on the brakes to avoid hitting him.

When we passed each other, he looked at me sheepishly and waved. Clearly, he did not see my car. I'm guessing that he did not intend to create a heart stress moment for me. It just happened. He's human.

After I waved to him to let him know that I understood, I thought of the times I have seen other people react totally differently. In fact, I thought of times when I have reacted totally differently. I thought of people yelling, honking the horn, and offering a one-finger salute rather than a friendly wave.

At that moment, I saw a connection to workplace conflict. The anger and escalation of road rage often begins by misinterpreting another person's actions.

When someone pulls out in front of you, cuts you off, or stops short; they either did it for the purpose of annoying you or they didn't. If they didn't do it to annoy you, they probably just reacted to what they thought they saw as they decided to pull out, change lanes, or stop.

Since I have pulled out, changed lanes, and stopped in ways that frustrated others without meaning to do it. I think it's fair to say that not everyone who does something to cause you stress in traffic intended to do so. In fact, I don't recall ever intentionally driving my car in a way that annoyed another person. I'm guessing that most people don't intentionally annoy others either.

What, you might ask, has this got to do with workplace conflict?

Everything.

It's all about the interpretations we place on other people's words and actions. In the situation I mentioned at the start of this post, I assumed that the other person did not see me. I assumed that he had good intent and just made a mistake. As a result, I didn't get angry with him.

In other situations (when I have been less under control), I have thought that the other person saw me and pulled out despite the fact that they saw me coming. I assumed negative intent, and I got angry.

The same thing happens in the workplace. Someone does or says the wrong thing. Or, they don't do or don't say the right thing. Whatever the situation, it happens, and we assume that they “meant to do that.” With that assumption about their intention, we get angry, and conflict begins to grow.

I have noticed that the vast majority of people seldom do things for the purpose of causing other people frustration and aggravation. It usually happens unintentionally.

When things go wrong in our interactions with others, we have a choice. We can choose to assume that they meant to frustrate us, or we can assume that they made an innocent mistake.

I suggest starting with the later assumption.

I'm not talking about naive, polyanna type assumptions. I realize that some people actually do enjoy frustrating others. I'm just saying that most people don't.

Why not start with the assumption that applies to most people, and minimize the risk of conflict even beginning? You can always adjust if necessary rather than starting with the negative assumption and escalating a conflict without reason.

Image by wherisat on Flickr.

We Have To Find A Way To Make This Work

By Guy Harris Leave a Comment

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I am pretty reserved and definitely task-oriented. I care about people, but I expect people to behave logically. When I work, I focus very intently on the work in front of me. Distractions and interruptions frustrate and annoy me.

My wife is outgoing and more task-oriented than people-oriented. She likes to move fast. She tends to make decisions on-the-fly and to work in a stream-of-consciousness fashion. She finds it easy to jump from topic to topic or from task to task.

My oldest daughter is much like me with a female perspective. She is a bit more sensitive than I am, but not much. She recently told me that she often does not like people because they do things that do not make sense. We have a running joke between us that one of us hurt the other’s feeling (Yes, feeling is singular and not plural.)

My youngest daughter is a lot like my wife. She moves fast, talks fast, and decides fast. She is different from my wife in that she tends a little more towards the people-oriented side of life. She loves to laugh, have fun, and play. She often leaves clothes on the floor or dishes on the counter because she “forgot” about them in moving on to the next thing.

I struggle with understanding the three female perspectives on life that live in the same house with me. I struggle to shift mental gears when either my wife or my youngest daughter makes a request of me with an “oh, by the way…” start while I’m working on a project that requires focus.

My wife struggles to find ways to communicate with me that respect my need to stay focused on my current task-at-hand without interruption. She struggles to slow down and allow my oldest daughter the time she needs to process requests before answering. She also struggles to restrain her frustration when my youngest daughter fails to follow-through on a task.

My oldest daughter struggles to understand and value her sister’s more light-hearted perspective on life. She has to guard against her own perfectionism when she comments on her sister’s singing. She also struggles with her mother’s intensity and drive when tasks need to be finished in a short period of time. To her, her mother looks angry, and she often responds accordingly by withdrawing from rather than engaging with her mother.

My youngest daughter struggles to allow me to work without interruption. She finds it difficult to stay quiet or to work without music when I am working on business matters. She can run afoul of her mother with her occasionally too quick wit and mouth. She really gets frustrated with her sister’s performance expectations.

In a nutshell, that is my team, my family, my work unit. And somehow we have to find a way to make this work.

We all understand the DISC model of human behavior. We all work to understand each other’s perspective. We work (almost) every day to apply what I have learned professionally to our family dynamic. It’s still hard work.

How different are we from your family or your business team?

I would guess, not very.

We are all similar, and yet we are different. We have different levels of maturity, different levels of knowledge, different levels of skill, and different perspectives on the “right” way to do things.

Still, we have to find a way to make this work.

All the knowledge and skills in the world don’t make a difference in the functioning of a family or a team without a desire and willingness to make it work. As one of my mentors taught me, “commitment and compatibility are two different things.”

As you move forward in your business and personal life, I encourage you to focus more on commitment than on compatibility.

After all, we have to find a way to make this work.

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