Communication Skills | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for Communication Skills – Page 2

Jun
25

Relate to Your Opponent – A Lesson in Tact

by Guy Harris

Francois-Marie Arouet Voltaire, 1694-1778

In a conflict, it is often tempting to go on the attack in an effort to make your point. In fact, it’s a natural response to a situation you perceive as physically or emotionally threatening in some way.

In most workplace situations, none of us will be in an imminent physical threat situation when we are in conflict. Most of us will, however, experience what we perceive as an emotional threat. We feel threats to our position, our expertise, or our experience. We feel disrespected, disliked, or unheard.

All of these situations feel threatening, and they are not physically threatening. Thus, our natural response is not likely to be the best response.

This weekend, I read about a situation where the French author and philosopher Voltaire was in actual physical danger, and he used the power of relating to his opponents to turn the situation.

In 1726, Voltaire was exiled to England as the result of a conflict he had with a powerful and influential French family. At the time of his three-year stay in England, there was a great deal of friction between France and England. This friction between the two nations occasionally put Voltaire at odds with the people he met in his new host country. Sometimes, he was in truly physically threatening circumstances.

One day, he found himself caught in an angry street mob1 that shouted things like: “Hang him. Hang the Frenchman!”

Confronted with this challenge, Voltaire replied: “Men of England! You wish to kill me because I am a Frenchman. Am I not punished enough in not being born an Englishman?”

The crowd then cheered and escorted him back to his home.

In a moment of physical threat, Voltaire won the crowd and his safety by connecting and relating with them. If it worked for Voltaire, it just might work for you in much less challenging situations.

Learn to use the power of tact and relationship to turn conflicts towards resolution and away from escalation.

1 Fadiman, Clifton; Editor. The Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes. Boston. 1985. 566. Print.

0 Categories : Conflict Resolution Tips, Persuasion

Jun
21

Not Every Question is a Threat

by Guy Harris

“What religion are you?”

The question hung in the air between the two teenagers engaged in a conversation about family rules and expectations. While I do not know this to be true, it appeared to me that they come from families with different expectations and limits in the area of movie and media consumption.

As I observed the interaction, I heard a question asked out of genuine curiosity. I thought that it was just a question with no other implications attached to it. It was merely part of the young man trying to understand the young lady’s family perspective.

Considering his tone and the context of the conversation though, I realized that it might be perceived as carrying an element of criticism or judgment.

I watched, listened, and waited for the young lady’s response.

Would she hear a threat and respond defensively? Would she flash anger and go on the attack? Or, would she simply answer the question?

“I’m a Christian,” she said calmly and confidently. No sign of defensiveness. No indication of aggression. Just calm assurance.

The conversation continued without incident. It stayed friendly and interactive. No one became angry. No one argued. It came to a friendly conclusion.

Success – a potential unnecessary conflict avoided.

I was impressed. While I do not know exactly what was going on inside this young lady’s mind or exactly what she felt, I do know what I observed. She dealt with the question as a question and not as a threat.

Many conflicts begin or escalate because one person or the other perceives a threat in the interaction. Once our natural threat response kicks in, most of us do not respond well. Often, our response is downright negative:

We get defensive.
We get angry.
We attack.
We retaliate.

We can all learn from what I observed in this interaction between two young people. In the end, they both showed a level of emotional maturity I often see lacking in people twice their age.

Not every question is a threat. Questions are often just questions.

0 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips, Resolving Conflict

May
21

Assume Benign Intent

by Guy Harris

My anger was rising. Every time he spoke, I grew more frustrated and irritated. I could feel my blood pressure rising, my face flushing, my lips tightening, and my shoulders hunching forward. I knew that I was furrowing my brow and that my voice was growing flatter and more menacing with each verbal exchange.

While I did not physically fear for my safety, I did feel threatened. I felt ambushed, cornered, and criticized. I was not happy. My greatest desire was to make the conversation end — quickly.

And, I was falling prey to a common problem in conflict resolution.

I was responding to my fight-or-flight response rather than responding logically and rationally to what was happening. I was withdrawing into my own perspective without objectively hearing the other person’s.

I was assuming that he had the intention to verbally attack me. When I heard his words through the filter of intentional attack, I could not find the focus and ability to remain objective. I became almost totally self-protective, and I went on an attack of my own.

Was his voice volume elevated? Yes.

Was he leaning forward? Yes.

Was his face flushed? Yes.

Did his tone sound like aggression to me? Yes.

Did his body language look like aggression to me? Yes.

Did he intend to be aggressive? I didn’t know.

Assuming a person’s intention is a pretty dangerous thing to do. In reality, we don’t know the other person’s intention unless they tell us. In most cases, we only know what we assume to be true about their intention based on our past experiences and our own emotional filters.

The leverage point for better self-control lies in recognizing that we have the power to choose our assumptions.

In the example above, I could have assumed that the other person was passionate about the topic rather than angry with me. With that one shift in perspective, I would have changed my focus from self-preservation to problem solving. I could have listened better and kept my responses more controlled.

By making the assumption of benign intent, I could have moved the conflict from escalation to resolution.

In this case, sadly, I did not make the switch. I chose a negative interpretation, and I escalated right along with my partner. The conversation did not end well.

Fortunately, we spoke again on a different day, and we had a more positive outcome. It ended well, but it took far too long to get there. My contribution to the excessive time investment started when I assumed that he meant to attack me verbally.

It turns out that he did not intend to attack me. He was merely frustrated over the situation, and I saw it as an attack.

The fight-or-flight response that causes our bodies to respond under the influence of adrenaline is a wonderful thing when we face a physical threat. And few of us face a physical threat in most conversations.

Choosing to assume that the other person has benign intent can help you to control your response so that you can be the one to move towards resolution by showing empathy and understanding rather than anger and judgement.

Assuming benign intent could prove to be wrong. The other person might actually mean to verbally attack you. If that is the case, you can escalate if necessary. Even in many situations where the other person intends an attack, you can deescalate the conflict by making the positive assumption and responding kindly.

The assumption of intended threat almost always leads you to respond in ways that escalate even minor misunderstandings. The assumption of benign intent can give you the time and self-control you need to respond in a way that resolves the conflict.

If you want to do everything that you can do to move a conflict conversation towards resolution, remember to assume the other person has benign intent.

(Check this post on Why Conflicts Escalate for further insights on this topic.)

0 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips, Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Parenting, Resolving Conflict

Mar
31

Using the DISC Model: Four Steps to Success with Others

by Guy Harris

The video pretty much says it all for this post. It quickly gives you four steps for applying the DISC model for success with others.

In a nutshell, the four steps are…

Understand the DISC model
Understand your style (where you fit in the model).
Understand the other person’s style (where they fit in the model).
Adjust your words, behaviors, and tone to best fit how they receive information.

The video is about 7 minutes long.

If you would like insights for how to apply these four steps better, you can check out my Connecting With People and DISC Model FAQ’s post series. For even deeper insights, check out my products. If you really want to master these four steps, take a look at The Ultimate Communicator Workshop.

4 Categories : Communication Skills, DISC Model, Video

Feb
2

Four Ways to Improve Your Communication

by Guy Harris

If you want to become more effective as a leader, more successful in meetings, or more confident while resolving conflicts, become a better communicator.

On the high end of the communication skill spectrum, you find that great leaders — like Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King, Jr — are often great communicators. On the low-end, research indicates that poor communication skills can contribute to family disputes escalating to domestic violence. (Check the discussion section of this article.)

Evidence from research, experience, and anecdotal observation points to higher levels of success and satisfaction and lower levels of stress and frustration as your communication skills improve.

With that backdrop, here are four ways you can improve almost all of your communications (presented roughly in the order I suggest you follow):

1. Learn how other people might hear, see, or interpret your messages

One concept that often surfaces in my communication workshops, is that communication comes from the Latin word that also gives us the English word common. This observation implies that communication makes ideas, thoughts, and concepts commonly understood — even if not agreed upon — between two or more people.

In order to make ideas common, it becomes important to understand both sides of the communication. You need to understand both how your idea sounds to the other person and what the other person means with the words they use. What you say might mean something other than what you intend to the other person. What the other person says might mean, to them, something other than what you hear.

Long-time readers of my blog know that I use and recommend the DISC model as one tool for accomplishing this step. There are factors to consider other than communication style (e.g. – culture, gender, age, etc.). Still, it’s a great place to start.

The goal of this “step” is to get a clear picture of how the differences between you and the other person might affect your communication efforts.

2. ”Observe” your perspective

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I have not yet mastered this concept. It’s really hard to do, and I’m not sure that any of us will ever truly perfect it. It’s a good goal nonetheless.

Here’s the idea, learn to step back from your first interpretation of a statement or behavior and look for how your perspective, or filter, might be affecting your response. There’s more to this one step than I can effectively cover in this post, but David Rock shares exercises you can do to build your skill in this area in Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long.

As you develop this skill, the next two steps become easier to do.

3. Listen actively

If the goal is to make an idea common, you must work to understand the other person’s thinking before you can truly communicate. Active listening involves much more than just hearing the words. It involves total focus on what the other person is attempting to communicate. For more thoughts, you can check this post on listening skills.

4. Get and give feedback during the communication process

It’s easy to say something and assume that the other person heard what you meant. It’s also easy to hear something and to assume that you understood what the other person meant. Until you confirm mutual understanding, you will be operating on assumptions and interpretations rather than on facts.

Well phrased questions (combined with some active listening) form the basis for effective feedback, and a mis-communication could happen in either direction. A few weeks ago, I wrote a post with some ideas for confirming that the other person understands your words the way you intended them. To confirm that you understood the other person they way that they want to be understood, you can use the questions listed here.

Frankly, communication can be difficult. We do it virtually every day, and we often do not communicate as clearly as we think or intend. One of my favorite quotes on communication (I think I have quoted it before on this blog) is by George Bernard Shaw: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

I find that I have to frequently remind myself of key communication concepts in order to apply them with any consistency. For the next week, I encourage you to consciously focus on these four ways to improve your communication and watch the positive difference they will make in your communication effectiveness and the reduction they will make in your stress and frustration levels when you interact with others.

(I recently wrote a special report that amplifies these ideas a bit and presents a five step model for better communication. You can get a copy here.)

1 Categories : Communication Skills, Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Resolving Conflict

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