Communication Skills | Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Archive for Communication Skills – Page 2

Nov
14

Five Questions to Make Sure that You Understand Others Correctly

by Guy Harris

Have you ever taken an action – either immediately or at some later time – based on what you heard someone say only to find out after you acted (or spoke) that you did not accurately understand their statement or request?

So far, everyone I have asked this question in a face-to-face conversation answers pretty much the same way. In effect, they all say: “Yes, of course I have.” And, the truth is, so have I.

As the Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw, said:

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

The illusion that you accurately understand another person’s intended message based solely on your interpretation of his words, tone and body language is a trap that can hinder your desire to become a truly remarkable communicator. You certainly have an interpretation of what he intended to say, and you never really know if you understand correctly until you confirm it with him. Confirming mutual understanding is the feedback loop often missing in situations that lead to misunderstanding and frustration.

When you develop the ability to check your own understanding of the messages you interpret from what another person says by consciously inserting a feedback loop, you improve the odds of effectively communicating with her. Well phrased confirmation questions can help you do this gracefully and with ease to improve the odds that you get positive replies rather than snarky comebacks.

Here are five ways you can phrase a confirmation question:

“Let me say back to you what I think you just said, so that I can be sure I understood you correctly…”
“Please correct me if I am wrong. I understood you to say ________. Is that correct?”
“If I hear you correctly, you are saying _____________. Is that right?”
“I hear you saying ____________. Is that right?”
“It sounds to me like you feel/think ____________. Did I understand you correctly?”

If you look closely at each question, you will see a common thought: if a miscommunication happened, it’s my problem and not the other person’s.

You can probably find other ways to express the same idea, and I encourage you to do so. You do not want to say the same thing over and over again in the same conversation to the point that you sound like an inauthentic automaton.

This list is a good place to start your own list of confirmation questions. I suggest that you think of others to add to your communication toolkit so that you can have many of them to pull on when you find yourself in the middle of a high-stakes conversation.

If you have other ways of confirming that you understood correctly, please add them in the comments section below.

1 Categories : Communication Skills, Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Resolving Conflict

Nov
10

Three Critical Factors to Consider Before You Choose a Communication Technique

by Guy Harris

Before you start looking for the right communication technique or words to use to convey an idea, you must consider three critical factors. They are not complicated. They are important. Failure to include them in your thinking, could lead to a failed communication.

Proper consideration of these three factors coupled with understanding the underlying principles of communication and conflict resolution will lead you to successful, powerful, and effective communications.

The general principles, concepts, and mindsets of effective communication are simple to say. In fact, they pretty much reduce to:

Assume the other person has benign intent until you definitely learn otherwise.
Communicate in ways that do not project a threat to the other person.
Make it easy for the other person to receive your message.
Close the loop on your communications to make sure you understood correctly and that the other person understood you correctly.

This list is probably not inclusive of every key communication principle. It does include the basic, underlying ideas for most of the techniques and approaches that I teach in workshops, help coaching clients to implement, and that I work to apply in my personal life. They are simple enough to express, and they are often difficult to apply.

Application becomes difficult because of the three critical factors I mentioned above. The foundational principles and core ideas combined with the three factors accounts for the wide range of possible communication strategies you could apply in a given situation.

The three factors are:

Your Message

In many cases, this is the first factor that most people consider, and they often consider it only from their perspective. If stated out loud, most people’s thinking would probably sound like this: “Here’s what I want to say.”

In reality, your message has two parts:

The message you are attempting to deliver, and
The message that the other person receives.

The second part of your message – the other person’s perception of it – is at least as important as the message you intend to deliver. As you choose your approach, make sure you consider both sides of the message.

Your understanding and consideration of the next two factors significantly influences how the other person receives your communication.

Your Relationship

The nature of your relationship with the other person must figure in your thinking as you communicate with him or her. While the general principles remain the same, the specific strategy for communicating with your supervisor is different from the strategy you would use with your colleagues or with people who report to you.

If there is a power mismatch between you and the other person, it could increase the perception of threat felt by either party. Keep this in mind as you plan your communications. If you are the “superior” party, you might have to work a little harder to take any subtly implied threat out of your communications. If you are in the “subordinate” position, you might hear threats that are not intended.

The Context

Where are you during the communication? Is it spoken or written, on the phone or face-to-face, one-on-one or in a group setting? Each of these situations – contexts – calls for a different consideration as you choose your communication tactics and techniques.

The bottom-line is this: if you are looking for silver-bullet, one-size-fits-all communication strategies – look no further. You will not find them.

Work on building your communication tool kit, develop and practice multiple approaches and phrases to use in different situations and with different people, and learn to read situations so that you can choose the best communication tool for the job. Do these things well, and you will become a remarkable communicator.

As you look for the right tool for the job in various situations, remember the three critical factors to improve your odds of success.

4 Categories : Communication Skills, Family Relationships, Leadership Skills, Resolving Conflict

Nov
4

Three Power Phrases to Disarm a Verbal Aggressor

by Guy Harris

When you feel that you have been verbally attacked, it is incredibly difficult to think of the right words to calm the situation and disarm a verbal aggressor. Developing power phrases for use in various situations can help you get past this mental roadblock so that you can respond calmly and quickly in a wide range of situations.

In working with workshop participants and coaching clients to find good ways to address specific, emotionally charged situations, I have learned three power phrases you can use in a wide range of situations to disarm a verbal aggressor and turn the direction of an escalating conversation.

Here they are…

If I were you, I would feel exactly the same way.

Let’s say someone expresses a strong emotion and it looks like that emotion could be a barrier to effectively communicating with them. Acknowledging their emotion is a powerful tool to show that you understand their perspective even if you do not necessarily agree with it.

Part of the power in this statement is that it is absolutely true in all cases. If you were the other person, you would feel exactly like they feel because you would have their life experience, education, culture, gender, etc.

You may be right.

When someone comes at you with strong words of criticism or condemnation, you can often disarm the attack by acknowledging that they may be correct in their judgement. You do not necessarily have to agree with their assessment to say that they may be right.

If necessary, you can add to this statement to also offer your counter perspective by bridging from your acknowledgement of their position to your position with the word and. It would look like this: “You may be right, and…” (Important note: beware of the tendency to use but in place of and in your statement.)

Of course I am.

This statement is a new addition to my verbal toolkit by way of my colleague John Little. In a recent Ultimate Communicator workshop, we were discussing how to respond to strong personal attacks. For example when someone says: you’re an idiot, you’re totally wrong, etc. In our discussion, John suggested the phrase: “Of course I am.”

I love it! This approach totally removes the push back you offer the other person when they verbally attack you, and it gives you room to turn the tide of the aggressive conversation.

As is true with most communication techniques, the specific words you use will depend a great deal on several factors. For example, some of the considerations are:

The relationship between the two parties
The political or social environment surrounding the communication, and
The physical setting of the parties during the communication.

So, while I do not believe that these phrases are completely universal, they can be great additions to your communication repertoire that help you better respond to verbal aggression in a positive way that leads to resolution rather than escalation.

Do you have some phrases that help to turn a heated conversation in a positive direction? If you do, please share them in the comments section below.

6 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips

Oct
20

The Difference Between Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Communication

by Guy Harris

Communication breakdowns are a common cause for conflict, and poor communication strategies can lead to rapid escalation. Likewise, effective communication strategies can help you correct these miscommunications to move conflicts quickly towards resolution.

One idea that can help you choose the best communication strategy for the situation comes from what I call the communication continuum.

The continuum runs from passive strategies on the left to aggressive strategies on the right. In passive strategies, you communicate in a way that protects the other person’s interests at the expense of yours. Aggressive strategies represent the other extreme where you communicate in a way that protects your interests at the expense of the other person’s.

Assertive communication strategies lie in the middle. These strategies depend on approaches that protect the interests of both parties in the communication – yours and the other person’s.

Assertive communication approaches represent a range of techniques rather than a single point on the continuum. Some of the approaches lie a little to the left of middle – they are a little more passive – and other approaches lie a little to the right of middle – they are a little more aggressive. Wherever they lie on the continuum, all assertive strategies have this in common – the interests of both parties are protected. Depending on the situation, you might choose to go a little more passive or a little more aggressive within the assertive range.

Whether it sits a little left of center or a little right of center, the guiding principle behind all assertive communication techniques is that the technique allows you to effectively express your needs and concerns in a way that respects the needs and concerns of the other person.

Here are some guidelines for communicating assertively…

Use “I” statements.
State your perspective as your perspective or interpretation without resorting to statements that blame the other person. For example, “You made me angry” is aggressive while “I felt angry” is assertive.
Focus on behaviors.
Avoid the desire to slip into interpretations like calling the other person rude or insensitive. Comment on their behaviors or words without labeling them.
Keep your responses short.
The longer you talk, the more likely you are to slip into either passive or aggressive techniques.
Monitor your tone of voice and non-verbal messages.
You can choose just the right words and ruin it with a sharp tone or aggressive posture.
Listen.
Pay close attention to what they have to say as well. If you do not listen, you will become aggressive.
Maintain appropriate eye contact.
Too little eye contact and you could be perceived as dishonest. Too much eye contact and you could come across as aggressive. In most situations in North America, relatively steady eye contact with brief breaks every few seconds is probably appropriate.

Here are some ways you can apply the general guidelines to communicate assertively without slipping too far into either passive or aggressive communication:

“When you (their behavior), I feel/felt (your feeling/interpretation).”
“When you said/did (their words/actions), I understood that to mean (your interpretation).”
“I see/perceive (a behavior, tone, or word choice), to mean (your interpretation).”

1 Categories : Communication Skills, Conflict Resolution Tips, Resolving Conflict

Oct
10

Do This If You Want to Guarantee Conflict Escalation

by Guy Harris

Today, as I sat in an airport business lounge waiting for a flight, I overheard bits and pieces of another traveler’s conversation. I wasn’t trying to overhear. I just couldn’t help but overhear because his volume kept getting progressively louder.

From what I could tell, he was engaged in a bit of a conflict conversation.

I could also tell that he was making a common mistake that rarely, if ever, leads to conflict resolution and almost always leads to conflict escalation. Based on the bits and pieces of conversation that I overheard, I think the person on the other end of the phone call was making this mistake as well.

The symptoms of the mistake manifested as:

Justifying behaviors
Explaining why he was right
Showing the other person why he was wrong
Rehashing what had already happened
No focus on what to do the next time this situation occurred to make it turn out better

The root cause of the problem stems from focusing on the past rather than the future. I wrote about this challenge previously in my post about the 7 Deadly Sins of Conflict Resolution.

If you want to guarantee conflict escalation, keep revisiting the past — past statements, past actions, past reasons, past thinking, etc.

Talking about the past is like throwing out an anchor. It stops forward progress and keeps the conversation stuck in problem discussion rather than problem solving.

Problem discussion becomes negative and accusatory, if it goes on too long.

Problem solving is about finding ways to set and meet mutual expectations and how to interact with and behave towards each other so that conflicts do not recur.

If you want to productively resolve conflicts, move quickly to a future focus. Only stay in the past long enough to understand how the miscommunication or misunderstanding happened, and then look for ways you can interact with the other person in the future to stop the problem from happening again.