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Effective Communication Skills: Use And More than But

By Guy Harris

This is a simple, straightforward communication technique that you can use immediately to improve your ability to connect and communicate with others:

Use “and” more than “but”.

Imagine that you and I are in a conversation and that you have just shared your opinion with me.

Compare these two responses that I might make:

  1. “You know, that's a good point, but …”
  2. “You know, that's a good point, and …”

With the first reply, it almost doesn't matter what I say. I have probably triggered a natural defensive mechanism. Even if what I say is positive, you probably have a bit of a defensive posture in receiving what I am about to say.

The second reply creates a more positive lead-in to the second part of the statement. Even if I offer a slightly different interpretation of the facts, I have avoided triggering defensiveness  early in the process so that you might receive what I have to say with an open attitude.

As I think about the times I am tempted to say “but” rather than “and”, I see that the vast majority of the time my real message is an “and” message rather than a “but” message.

One little word substitution can yield huge benefits in communication effectiveness.

So, remember to use “and” more than “but”.

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Filed Under: Communication Skills, Persuasion Tagged With: assertive communication, communication effectiveness, Communication Skills, communication technique, effective communication skills, perception

Trackbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Effective Communication Skills: Use And More than But : Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer -- Topsy.com says:
    May 18, 2010 at 9:35 am

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Edward Wiest and Guy Harris, Mass.LOMAP. Mass.LOMAP said: RT @erwiest: RT @recovengineer: Effective Communication Skills: Use And More than But http://goo.gl/fb/NeH0R […]

  2. Three Words to Guarantee Conflict Escalation says:
    September 21, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    […] have written on the dangers of this word previously. Today, I’ll share three other words that have essentially the same impact: however, except, […]

  3. Three Power Phrases to Disarm a Verbal Aggressor says:
    November 4, 2011 at 6:18 am

    […] and. It would look like this: “You may be right, and…” (Important note: beware of the tendency to use but in place of and in your […]

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