Apology is a powerful — and often under used — conflict resolution tool. One reason for not apologizing that I often hear in my work with clients is the concern that apologizing either totally admits fault for the conflict or reveals a weakness.
While these concerns may be legitimate in some situations, they are overblown in most cases.
The perception of threat is the primary reason for conflict escalation, and removing this perception is the leverage point for conflict de-escalation. Apology works so well because it makes you less threatening to the other person.
Here are three tips for apologizing in a way that leads to de-escalation…
- Only apologize for your behaviors, words and actions, and never apologize for the other person's feelings or interpretations.
While it can happen, I seldom see situations where a conflict starts and escalates due solely to the actions of one person. So, there is likely some word choice, tone, or action that you contributed to the conflict escalation. When you are willing to take responsibility for your contribution, you tend to reduce the perception the other person has that you are a threat to them.Likewise, when you apologize for the other person's feelings, you subtly imply that you are in control of their emotional state. For many people, when you claim ownership for their feelings you convey a threat signal.
- Maintain appropriate eye contact.
Appropriate eye contact conveys respect and trustworthiness. As a result, good eye contact is a critical component of an effective apology.
- Make sure your tone and body language match your message.
In his often quoted (and misquoted) communication study, Albert Mehrabian found that body language and tone are the majority contributors to the received message in face-to-face communication. For the purpose of this post, the key observation is that when the message conveyed by tone and body language does not match the message sent by your word choice, the listener tends to believe the tone and body language in preference to the words.
With these tips in mind, here are some suggested ways to successfully phrase an apology…
- “I apologize for the tone I used.”
- “I am sorry that I spoke in a way that was offensive to you.”
- “I am sorry that I said/did ______.”
Please add your tips and suggestions in the comments section.
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Great article Guy!
What would you recommend for an apology by telephone where you can’t make contact? How do you convey trust when not face to face?
Hi Dougie,
Thanks for stopping by!
I think the key consideration for making an apology by phone is to pay close attention to your voice tones and inflections. Since the body language/facial expression part of the communication is removed from the equation, tone takes on extra importance. I’ll assume that the apology is offered in actual conversation rather than in a voice mail message, and I’ll add that listening and careful attention to pauses and breaks in the conversation become more significant. I’ve noticed that phone conversations can tend towards more interruptions (I assume because the visual clues we use to decide when it is time to speak are gone). So, I think you have to work extra hard to listen to what the other person is saying and to also be aware that they might not be listening all that carefully to you.
With regard to the trust question, I think that is tied to the listening piece as well. One way that you can convey trust is to give the other person a chance to speak without interruption. In some cases, you might state that you trust the other person’s intentions or motivations. How you would phrase that depends a great deal on the specific situation and the relationship you have with the other person. So, the details of how to phrase your trust will be different, but the concept is the same. Give trust using your words, and you will likely receive trust by the principle of reciprocity.
I hope that helps.
Guy