• Communication Skills
  • Resolving Conflict
  • Leadership Skills
  • DISC Model
  • Recent Posts

Guy Harris: The Recovering Engineer

Reflect, Respect, Reengineer, and Reinvent

This blog is about learning to take a close look at your thoughts, feelings, responses, and reactions to find better and more effective ways to resolve conflicts, lead teams, and clearly communicate to build and maintain both professional and personal relationships...[Read More]
  • Home
  • About This Blog
  • Archives
  • Great Reading
  • Contact Me

Noticing Others To Be True To Ourselves

By Guy Harris Leave a Comment

Tweet

According to research cited by Daniel Goleman in a video recorded at a TED conference last year, humans have a natural bent towards compassion.

Reflecting on this video, Tammy Lenski over at Conflict Zen says:

“We’re wired for compassion — our default setting is to help. But sometimes we turn off that part of ourselves.”

Tammy's comment and Goleman's video got the wheels spinning in my head. I immediately thought of the concept of self-deception that I first learned from the book Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute.

I'll paraphrase from the book to set the stage for my observation:

  • An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another is called an act of “self-betrayal.”
  • When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.
  • When I see a self-justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted.
  • I then become self-deceived.

Once I am self-deceived, I:

  • Inflate others' faults.
  • Inflate my own virtue.
  • Inflate the value of things that I perceive will justify my self-betrayal.
  • Blame others for my original act of self-betrayal.

So, if we are “wired for compassion,” any time we act in a way that is not compassionate we betray ourselves. The act of self-betrayal then sets off the chain of events leading ultimately to self-deception. Once I am self-deceived, I get angry with others, blame them, etc. I suddenly find myself in conflict with someone, and the conflict started with me.

Towards the end of the video, Goleman points out that we can turn off our compassion drive. He also says that we can choose to turn it on by simply noticing the needs of others.

Let's work this backwards. If I notice the needs of others. I then act on the drive to show compassion, and I never betray myself. Since I do not betray myself, I never need to justify my betrayal. If I do not need to justify my betrayal, I do not need to blame others. So, I find myself in fewer conflicts.

If that is so, then maybe a key to resolving workplace conflicts starts with the choice to notice others' needs so that we can show compassion.

I wonder: if we are willing to make that choice, do we find ourselves in fewer conflicts that need resolution?

The Anatomy of Peace is another book that expands on this concept.

 

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Google+ (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)
  • Click to print (Opens in new window)

Posts Like This One

Some Other Posts You Might Like

  • Three Ways to Deal with an Angry Person
  • Three Communication Strategies Guaranteed to Irritate Others
  • What a Diverted United Airlines Flight Can Teach You about Conflict Resolution
  • A Collection of Conflict Resolution Quotes

Filed Under: Communication Skills, Leadership Skills, Reflections, Resolving Conflict Tagged With: Communication Skills, conflict resolution, effective communication skills, emotional intelligence, self control

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CAPTCHA
Refresh

*

Featured Video

The Recovering Engineer YouTube Channel

Get Email Updates

Article Series

  • Connecting With People
  • DISC Model FAQ's
  • Take Charge of Your Life
  • Motivation

Articles By Date

Free DISC Test

I Recommend…

The Top 7 Secrets for Resolving Personal Workplace Conflict
7 Secrets to Resolve Conflict
Free DISC Assessment
Bud to Boss Workshop

Blog Stats & Badges

Leadership Digital
FAQ Engineering Tips 2010 Workshop More >>

The Online Self Improvement and Self Help Encyclopedia

Important Links

  • Guy Harris
  • My Business
  • Sitemap
  • Contact Me
  • Privacy Policy

Find Your Conflict Style

Copyright © 2019 · Magazine Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

loading Cancel
Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
Email check failed, please try again
Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.